...and I Stole Your Hat, Too:

Maybe I Should Give the Hat Back.

2009-03-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

I find it really interesting that as Mr. Pazienza takes his "self-imposed sabbatical" over at DXM, I find myself in a similar predicament. It's not the same reason- I understand his general exhaustion after the election- mine is just a little more personal (and simple- I won't be around a computer for awhile). I think I need to get my priorities straightened out and start figuring out what I want to do when I grow up. I turn 26 on the 24th and I'm just kind of confused right now.

I'll probably be back in a little while- maybe a new name and look for AISYHT.

In the meantime please go to any of the sites listed to the right or check out my friend, Alisha, who is a Navy wife.

http://navywife8888.blogspot.com/

She's funny and I think you guys will like her. (We used to work at Temps X together!)

TTYL! I'll come back with stories, I promise.

Coping with breaking up.

2009-03-05T11:38:00.000-08:00

Things that you must absolutely not do when being dumped (and I should know):

1. Do not call the dumper. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CALL THIS PERSON. Nothing you say, no amount of bargaining you do, and no amount of hot sex you promise them will make them want you again. And in the mean time, you lower your self worth. At this time, 2:40 PM EST, mine is worth less than the Somalian shilling (yes, I had to look that up).

2. Do not watch "Say Anything" over and over again. Lloyd Dobbler does NOT exist. And even if he did, you'd probably walk all over him and take him for granted anyway. So just get over it.

3. If you have a choice, do not listen to music that reminds you of this person. DMB for Empty Soul, TI and Lil Wayne for John. Three great artists that I happen to like- all ruined because I need to be more selective when it comes to those I "lay down with."

4. Do not eat. Trust me. I mean, eat, but really - don't over do it. This is not a bulimia thing or an anorexic thing or a body image thing. Well maybe a body image thing. It's perfectly natural to want to stuff your face after you break up or your heart's been smashed into a million unusable pieces. Ice cream, Hershey's chocolate, cheeseburgers (it's an addiction and I'm working on it). Just don't do it. You'll feel like a heifer afterwards and no one there to tell you you aren't fat. Is this shallow? I think this is shallow. But feeling bloated and miserable and heartbroken just really sucks. So don't eat... too much. Or at least have a banana instead.

5. Do not go out and spend money like it is going out of style (read: no shopping). Especially in this economy. I have to say, my first instinct after John was to go buy a new Coach purse. I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way. I wanted a "See, I'm fine on my own and will buy this to show you that" symbol of my independence. First of all, $250 is NEVER ok to spend on a purse and second of all, no that's it. Don't make yourself go broke to one up that person.

DO: go out and have safe unattached sex. Is that bad that I'm recommending this? Probably. Physically, you need to stop missing that person that just said you weren't good enough for them. If you aren't into random sex- at least get out there and flirt. Get back on the horse! Fuck the loser. If you let it get to you, you will never recover and the next guy you date will suffer for it.

DO: tell yourself that you are an awesome person. It sounds lame. Trust me, I know it sounds really stupid and futile to do this. However, if you say it and start believing it to be true- then it really doesn't matter what happens. It doesn't matter who dumped who. You have to be ok with you.

DO: watch movies like "Point Break," "Shaun of the Dead," "Die Hards 1, 2, 3...and the other one." (Or whatever floats your boat in that arena.) Watch horror movies, action movies, thriller movies. Especially ones were people get shot up in the most elaborately staged ways- "Face/Off" and other John Woo movies are great for this. Stupid explosions with little talk of love and feelings. And, also, go see movies that you wouldn't go see otherwise- like "Rocky Horror" or "The Big Lebowski" at a local cinema with all those weirdos! (Sorry, I love those weirdos, but they are definitely weird.)

DO: take up a hobby. I'm starting ballroom dancing tonight. Seriously! So, join a gun club or take karate or take a nude drawing class (although, I'm warning you- those models aren't nearly as good looking as your would like them to be). Keep busy. Like I said before, Fuck the loser. You are an awesome person. You might not want to take it to the extremes of jumping out of a plane (three weeks!), but just do something you always wanted to do but put off.

There ya go, another advice column for someone who has no license to dole out advice. Sometimes it just helps to manifest the thoughts into something productive.

Amusement.

2009-03-05T07:25:00.000-08:00

Ron Winter Drums

Quite possibly the best thing ever. (BWE.tv)

I've already made two tracks that are ten times better than anything Kanye has put out this year. I personally like the George Michael "UGH!" paired with the David Bowie "Let's Dance" thing. And all the day-glo. This is better than anti-depressants. Kalyn is already plotting my death.

Classics in Neuroses.

2009-03-04T10:56:00.000-08:00

So, I was driving home last night in my "new" busted Cutlass Cierra (blogging does not make you rich). The thing has pep for a car that is fifteen years old. Before I knew it I was gliding up and down and around the back roads of Geauga County, Ohio and enjoying the fact that the sun sets later and later every day.

(So yeah, I have a nasty habit of joyriding. I'm a huge fan of "Left, Right, Straight." My car is a gas guzzler. I am probably the number one cause of global warming since I like to drive around aimlessly- I did when gas was at $4/gallon too.)

Back to last night. Driving along, listening to local pop radio and then... T.I. comes waltzing into my life again. I don't have a problem with T.I. and I hope he doesn't end up going to jail for the rest of his life on whatever bogus weapons charge they are using to make an example of him. He didn't beat his girlfriend (that we know of) and he didn't shoot anyone (that we know of).

And another backtrack: When T.I. first got big it was with "What You Know" back in 06. I had transferred from Miami of Ohio (aka Lilly White University) and was going to school at Kent State. I had met a boy the previous fall while visiting one of my best friends, it was her brother. It was the biggest thing to have happened to me up to that point. He would become my first love and, for while, the most important person in my life other than family. I'm sure you see where this is going- that boy was the infamous John, of stolen hat fame. T.I. and his string of inescapable hits off of King became the soundtrack to our summer.

Last October, the last time John and I saw each other and the brief 2 hours where we both reconsidered starting up again, it was "Whatever You Like" playing on the Honda stereo as we both looked at each other and wondered where to go next and if it would be together. It sounds really melodramatic and it probably was a scene worthy of the OC, but I will always consider this the turning point between us. Before I got out of the car he hugged me- holding on like he would never see me again. I couldn't understand why.

As you may have guessed, hearing T.I. on the radio is pretty tough for me.

So, there I was in the Cutlass and 96.5 starts up with the opening to "Whatever You Like." And I can't help but go back to that day in the car. "Do you love him?" he asked me (regarding PVille). "I think I could," I said. "Or at least owe it to myself to try." We rode around Mentor and Willoughby and Eastlake, where he's from. Half-joking, I suggested we go to the beach- the scene of one of our first hookups. We started out in that direction before deciding to turn back. It was a literal road that would only lead to more heartbreak. "Do you love her?" I asked about FCOG. He shrugged. It was the calm before the storm, to borrow a cliche.

Of course now, in my rusty Oldsmobile, in March of 09, I am fleeing back to my house. Frantic to get home. Frantic to talk to him. Tears streaming down my face, I run through a stop sign. I just needed to say something- anything- just hear his voice again. I forgot about everything that had happened and all the fights. It's an incessant need- an urge- a craving just to know that I'm still in his universe. A thought in the back of his head. I ran into my house and dug my cell out of my purse.

I looked at the number. (It's his house number.) Took a deep breath. Pressed send. No one was there.

And then, I realized the insanity of what I was doing. Why was I calling him? What good would this bring, if any? At the best it would be a casual conversation, peppered in small talk. At the worst- and heartbreakingly so- he would tell me to "Fucking go to Hell." So, of course, I immediately texted my sponsor.

ME: Having a meltdown here... Just called John's house. WTF is wrong with me?

ALANNA (were you expecting someone else?): WHY did you call his house?

ME: Idk. Idk. Idk. (Sorry, but that is my favorite and most used text lingo.) No one was home. I was driving home and I heard TI. Damn TI. And I started missing him and the next thing I knew I was home and dialing the number for his house...

ALANNA: You need to break your unhealthy relationship habit. C-U-T-O-F-F. CUT OFF. Go ahead and miss him but contacting him will only result in heartache.

ME: I know... I don't know why I did it. It was like an alcoholic not realizing they are actually drinking a beer...

So, yes. I freaked out. And yes, I still think about John. All.the.time. I hope this gives you people out there an insight either to just how messed up I am or to how bad breakups and their resonance really are. My sister says that I'm still in the "1/3 Zone"- a rule that says you can lament about someone for 1/3 of the time you were with them. I always thought it was the "1/2 Rule"- guess even that downsized. So I guess that means I can be like this until next September/October. I don't want to be like this until October. I hate going for weeks thinking I'm ok and then, because some T.I. song comes on, I go into withdrawal.

UGGHHHHH.

(Although it's funny I have everybody and their brother suggesting setups for me. I really just think I need to be alone and get through this without hurting anyone else.)

Dance Party!

2009-03-03T08:40:00.000-08:00

Back in college, we decided to go prude. Yes, that kind of prude. It was a decision made after a lot of drinks and the realization that maybe we were all just big sluts. I don't recall the details, just that in the end none of us really adhered to the Prude Movement of 04. So lately, after E. Soul and all, I'm thinking it's time to make a Prude Tour comeback.

So here's a song to listen to while you ponder that.

"So come on baby, why don't you show some class? Why you wanna move so fast?"

Sing it, Jermaine.

You know what's really sad about this song? He died of complications caused by AIDS (liver cancer, I believe).

Ode to the chemically imbalanced.

2009-03-02T07:13:00.000-08:00

So, I suppose I should explain myself a little more rather than post a cryptic tattoo shot with my death wish to jump out of an airplane (which, by the way, is not related to any drama- I just have always wanted to do it). PVille (now Empty Soul) and I never really officially went our separate ways. Although, looking back, that should have been the first thing I did when he came back. Actually, the first thing I should have done was tell him to go fuck himself when I first met him. Hindsight is always 20/20.

In an effort to report this issue as fair and balanced as I can, I'm just going to give you the straight facts. Followed by commentary. I admit, this post may go a little into Fox News territory when it comes to reporting the truth. Like always, bear with me.

Empty Soul's excuse was that he was not ready for a relationship. That it wasn't me, it was him. I said I would wait until he was because, stupid stupid hormonal girl that I am, I actually just thought that meant "our timing isn't right now, but maybe in a month or two."

Guys who are reading this, I understand what this all was. This was all guy talk for "I don't like you." Which I had my guesses about before, and when I asked him for a straight answer- just to tell me straight out so I could go on with my life, he said that it "wasn't the case." Ok, was I wrong to ask flat out what our status was? And why couldn't he just say "It's not working with you, I don't really have any feelings for you at all, go about your life." Why, knowing that I have strong strong feelings for him, would he string me along? Help, please?

A couple of weeks ago, I had asked if he had any spare time in his busy schedule of working a crap job and being with his son that we could possibly go out. He said he'd try. I trusted him when he said he was busy and backed off.

So................. Friday night he comes right out and tells me he has a date. With someone else. Who is not me. Because, in all of his busy busy time, he could not find a few minutes to say "I don't think we should see each other because I don't like you." (I'm not made of glass, I would have rather he told me that, it wasn't like I was going to shatter). But instead he found enough time to take someone else out. Which really, I don't care. (Although, I flipped out on Friday, but that was because this all hit me like a tidal wave). But why, why when I ask you if you like me or not, why when I just want the truth, can you guys not give it? Girls are stronger than you all give us credit for. Straightforward-ness gets you a lot.

So those are the facts of the situation. And yes, I had a really really really low point in calling him a million times and begging him to come over because I was distraught. It was pathetic and horrible and I cringe to think that I went that craz-o. I didn't get any sleep, I still haven't eaten that much. I made myself physically ill. The next day, instead of talking to me and explaining, he basically texted me with "Do not ever contact me again." Also with "You are crazy, you have an acidic tongue and violent moodswings."

I may have a sharp tongue, but most people wouldn't categorize it as acidic. Also, I may be crazy- but that is the pot calling the kettle not only black, but round and useful for boiling water. I have an email that supports this fact.

So, that's where we are. I would feel bad for the millions of calls and hurtful things I said if he had shown any sympathetic bone in his body (thereby attributing the new moniker Empty Soul- thank you, Kalyn). Since he didn't, I see now why he is where he is in his life and I am where I am in mine. IF that makes any sense at all. A lesser person would post the emails that he wrote and remind everyone of the things he used to say... but I'm going to salvage any dignity I have left and let it go.

After watching Rush Limbaugh's ignorant and trite speech at the CPAC convention this weekend, I realized an important life lesson: playing their game isn't worth it.

I know that I overreacted. I know I overreact for a lot of things. I know that I probably could use a Xanax every once in awhile and the things I say are pretty awful, things that I don't really mean after a day. If I could go back and change Friday, I would have let this all go then. However, like my mom says, God never throws us anything we can't handle. Maybe this was just what I needed to find the strength to get up and say "fuck off."

Crazy.

2009-03-02T05:38:00.001-08:00

So, this weekend was crazy. Emotionally and physically. The result is the picture above- a 3 inch tattoo of a dove on my forearm to remind me what a tough, strong person I am (I know, it's lame. But it's better than a butterfly).

Also, I'm jumping out of a plane for my birthday. :)

And if any of you are wondering, yes it (the drama) had to do with PVille guy- now renamed Empty Soul thanks to Kalyn. His name will never be mentioned again on here. My heart has been ripped out for the last time.... fucker.

Dream a Dream (and what you'll see will be).

2009-02-26T09:08:00.000-08:00

HOLY CRAP. Seriously, this no less than the third time "The Neverending Story" has come into my life this week. I cannot explain the ire I have after reading this. Like "WHY THE FUCK DOES HOLLYWOOD RUIN EVERYTHING I GREW UP WITH" mad. The only only only way this could possibly work is if the guy who did "Hellboy" gets all his "Pan's Labyrinth" weirdos on it. Otherwise, just don't do it. Seriously, what is with this town's infatuation with resurrecting things? There is dignity in death! I realize dignity is one thing Hollywood doesn't really value, but COME ON! Leave it alone.

What made this movie so great was the fact that it is so weird. Weirdness, mind you, that cannot be replicated by a big studio budget of today. I just have this awful feeling that it will be sanitized and starring someone like Drake Bell as Atreyu.

So, that's the only time I'm going to show my true dork colors this week.

Read this article and get angry.

On a lighter note, Ang Lee is going to direct "Life of Pi," my favorite book ever. So when I get really pissed off about the previous atrocity, I will think of this to calm me down.

I sell (sold) flesh.

2009-02-26T07:38:00.000-08:00

I used to be a pimp. Kind of. I know right now you're asking yourself "Oh Jesus, how is she going to explain this one in a cute way and pull it together with a lesson she learned?" Bear with me.

Yes, I used to be a pimp. Well first I was an assistant, then I was promoted. I worked for one of the top local staffing agencies in the Cleve. Seven offices, 200 employees on staff, and thousands of temporary workers in our database. I used to like to say that everyone in Northeast Ohio had their profile in our computers at one point in our 20 year history. It was true too, because I used to look up old boyfriends and classmates, usually finding them.

The way it worked was the agency (we'll call it Temps X) would put out generic ads in the paper. Something to the tune of "Must be fluent in Spanish and English, conversational, read, write. Position located in Bainbridge. Must be comfortable with MS Word and Excel. 20-24K to start on a permanent basis, depending on exp. Full Benefit Package! Great foot-in-the-door opportunity!" This is standard practice in the staffing industry. Generic ads are posted to sound like actual jobs (and at one time, usually were) with the aim to rope in applicants.

Ok, so great. Every Monday (after Sunday ads were printed), I would get an influx of calls. "What about that job in Bainbridge?" My training instructed me to bring these people in for our screening process with the idea that there was a job like this in store for them at the other end. Of course, that "job" stood at the other end of 3 hours of skills testing and paperwork and there was little to no guarantee that they would be awarded that position. Fine print, fine print.

At first, I really enjoyed my job. I got to find people jobs. The economy was struggling but not collapsing just yet. (We did get a lot of mortgage brokers, though.) There were still people hiring. I felt like maybe I was doing something good and earning good money on the side as well. It wasn't great money, but for a 23 year old it was ok. Recruiters and reps earned commission off of how many hours a temp worked- so the bigger the job (temp to perm), the higher the payout. It gets a little more complicated than that, but that's the gist.

My coworkers were great (kind of- more on that later) and a camaraderie was developed. We were rewarded with bonuses, trips to Put-In-Bay, contests with trips to the Bahamas, and a Christmas gala at the end of the year in which we rode to a ballroom in limos provided by the company. It was lavish and extravagant... and a big waste of money the company didn't really have. Sound familiar? And the best part was at the end of the day, I had drinking buddies to go out with. Of course, this only led to problems- something that often happens when you mix men, women, alcohol, and a sophomoric atmosphere. There was gossip everywhere (the Trainer who had a illegitimate kid with the president or who slept with who at last year's XMas party). It was High School II. It was unprofessional and crazy. It was sales.

And that was a problem. When you are selling something like refrigerators, you know the fridge will do its job and keep things cold. You know that if it breaks, you can send someone to fix it. You know that the delivery man will eventually get there and you know that it won't get sick or have babies or steal from you. You can't really say the same thing about people. And when it came to what I had to do, I was pretty much selling people. To say you needed a thick skin was an understatement.

When I first got to Temps X, I met two people right off the bat. The first was a coworker who I would have a total misguided fling with (misguided seems to be my word of the week) and the other was Alison. Rude, brash, loud. Think of other words like that and you've got where I'm going with this. On my very first day (a working interview, really) I heard her get into squabbles on the phone with temps, with her supervisor (The Dragon Lady), with other offices. I should have run from this (and if I had a time-traveling DeLorean, I would), but I was oddly interested in this position. It seemed challenging and adventurous. And, as it turns out, it was. If you could put your feelings for humanity in a lockbox and bury it somewhere far, far away.

Hiring people is easy. Firing people because their car won't start or telling someone they lacked "front desk appearance" (ie, cornrows) and therefore you would not hire them was not. Having to fetter out what someone's intentions were- were they taking this temp job to screw you later? Were they planning on starting a family and would therefore be needing maternity leave? If they didn't work those hours, you didn't get paid. You found yourself thinking that the whole world was out to screw you over. It was a very delicate dance to not violate practices set out by the Equal Employment Opportunities Commission or the Equal Rights Act or FMLA or a whole host of other Employment laws that no one there was really educated on, but you had to find out if this person was physically and mentally prepared to work all of the days you promised your client.

It didn't help that my GM, Alison's supervisor, and overall scary witch, The Dragon Lady, was a literal incarnation of the Devil. In her book, there were NO EXCUSES. If you were sick, you came to work. If you had a baby, better find someone to take it because you were coming to work. If you were in a car wreck, you were coming to work (there's a longer story to this too, but off point). Basically, "We need your arm to pick up the phone and your head so you can talk. Anything else is expendable." If your temp couldn't get to their job, it was your fault. Red sheet 'em (to be put on a somewhat illegal blacklist known as the "Do Not Use")! You would get yelled at later. And all the bonuses and contests and parties in the world were not worth feeling like you were two inches tall.

After my promotion to pimp, I got yelled at a lot. Maybe I had a Grinch-like moment where my hear grew back, maybe my conscience just resurfaced. All of a sudden I just felt bad for people- for our temps. Things were spiraling out of control. I was losing sleep at night. I couldn't handle firing people, I couldn't handle yelling at people on the phone. I told a coworker that I was making myself ill, that I didn't need the trouble. The Dragon Lady had pulled me into her office more than once. Then one morning, I got a call to meet her in the break room. And, a week after I turned 25, I was let go. The worst thing about it was, after months of yelling at me and stressing me out- she still made me feel like I did something wrong.

Of course, she wasn't done yet. Because when you piss of The Dragon Lady and betray Temps X, they go out for blood. She appealed my unemployment- basically making it impossible for me to collect any money at all and stating I was "Incompetent and unable to perform the duties necessary." AKA, I wasn't willing to sell my soul. Don't worry, I was a tough broad even back then. There was a strongly worded letter and a couple other things I may or may not have done that settled the score. Again, a story for a later date.

The relevance of the whole story is this: today I was informed that Temps X has closed my former office in addition to three they closed in December. The former staffing giant is now down to three offices. No one is hiring in the Rust Belt and more and more people need jobs. When you have more supply than demand, something's gotta give. There are a lot of good people who worked there, people I still like to call my friends. With a potential buyout to another agency in the works, these people will be screwed while the president and his family profit. It's what's going on everywhere right now- this one is just hitting closest to home.

So yeah. Not as exciting as a CNN news producer or a Mormon web designer who used to date celebs, but it provided me with quite the eye opening experience and life lessons I will take with me through life. Lessons like: treat others as you would want to be treated, look out for yourself first and others later, and don't trust anyone at work. Ever. Also, be thankful for what you have and maybe everything does happen for a reason. I love my job now and I'm not getting laid off. And I get to write this thing everyday!!

Do I miss my life as a pimp? Not in the least. Was it fun? While it lasted. Am I happier now? You bet.

Scary headline of the day.

2009-02-25T07:22:00.000-08:00

I wish Yahoo!News could have fudged this a little and said, oh I don't know, "over 650 people sickened" or "nearly 700 people sickened" instead of threats of the coming Apocalypse. Just a thought.

I knew this wouldn't be good!

2009-02-24T13:11:00.000-08:00

Yeah, so we are officially on hour 16 of this cleanse.

And I would just like to come up with a list of things that don't suck nearly as much as both the raging irritability and hunger pangs I feel right now. Please note the sarcasm as it is listed below:

1. Definistration- It just doesn't look fun.
2. Getting your hair cut into what you think is a really cute, stylish bob- and then seeing your ex boyfriend with his new girlfriend that has locks and locks of gorgeous hair worthy of a shampoo commercial.
3. Spraining your neck while having jack rabbit sex (I'm looking at you, Carrie Bradshaw).
4. A traffic jam... when you're already late. (All apologies to Alanis. Especially since your old man is now with some new hussy.)
5. Flipping through the stations, seeing your favorite movie ever is on- the one you haven't seen in years, realizing it is on Telemundo.
6. Mosquitoes.
7. Work-related things that I cannot list here for fear of becoming unemployed during the worst economy since the Great Depression.
8. Young Republicans.
9. All of the Oscar nominated films this year that weren't also nominated in Sci-Tech categories. (Sorry, but this year I think the big action movies kicked the asses of pretentious award-bait movies in terms of relevance, entertainment, and everything else.)
10. My biweekly incapacitating migraine headache.

Food for thought.

And fuck you, Gwyneth Paltrow, and your cleanses.

Well if Beyonce did it, it must be safe!

2009-02-24T05:44:00.000-08:00

SO! I had the brilliant idea yesterday that I was going to try the Master Cleanse diet. Made famous by Beyonce, the Master Cleanse is a quick way to drop about 20 lbs and clean all of the toxins out of your body. Yes, I know that most of the weight will be water weight and quickly packed back on... but I figured I could try it and at least make you guys all laugh along the way. I will post pictures (as soon as I find my USB thingy for the camera) and keep you updated on my status. If a week goes by and you haven't heard from me, it is because this killed me.

I'm serious.

No, not really. I don't think you can die from lemons, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup but I will be cranky. So if by Friday I'm posting a blog in all caps and calling for a fatwa on everyone at Krispy Kreme, please don't hold it against me.

Betcha thought I would do an Oscar post...

2009-02-23T11:05:00.001-08:00

... but you were wrong (I hated the Oscars last night and fell asleep during them for the first time ever- but I did try to make a real time blog, I just got bored). Anyway, I will have my grandparents lovable and hilarious comments on the occasion later in the week. If you really need Oscar, go to Pajiba or Deus Ex Malcontent. Those are funny.

Instead, with 1 month to go until the dreaded 2-6, I would like to post random birthday cakes that amuse me.

(Debbie Does Cakes)

Aaaaaaand that's about it.

(I would like to have it brought out to me by a guy in a Doc Brown costume. Or, you know, Christoper Lloyd since he's not doing too much these days.)

I'll tell you where you can put your "issues"...

2009-02-19T09:42:00.000-08:00

As I have hinted in the past few previous posts, this weekend was another rough one for me. Yes, I got drunk (not as drunk as I was in Boston) and yes I had a great time (still not as good as Boston, as it did not involve a cabbie affectionately named Bootleg). And then something weird happen: the girl I was out with, the one I actually really like because she was older and therefore supposedly more mature, decided that everything that I was doing was morally reprehensible.

Morally. Reprehensible. Followed by ??????

Keep in mind, this is a woman that had her crazy days in her twenties as well.

Among such lovely quotes as "I don't respect you for using guys to get your free drinks" (I spent lots of money on buying everybody else free drinks but the one or two I got for free was what really pushed her over the edge) and... well actually I'm just going to copy and paste in this situation:

"I have no respect for someone who does not respect themselves. If you want to pound drinks and flirt...your prerogative. There is a huge maturity difference between 25 and 35. And frankly, you flirting with my EX...is completely uncalled for and I won't put up with it from you or anyone in my presence. If you need a guy's attention to make you feel good...by all means...get your 'therapy'. Just know it is in the end unhealthy, gives you a bad reputation, and loses friends."

I know, I know. I'm a horrible person for posting this. Just like I'm a horrible person for posting John's MySpace message and PVille Guy's emails. I just think this is funny.

The biggest reason is that (and I know that most of you out there don't know me) this could not be further from the truth. I had quite a charmed life, that I won't deny, but I had to grow up really quickly. "Immature"*** is not a word I would think to describe myself, but more importantly it isn't a word that most of my family (who watched me go through a lot of heartache and suffering with my mother and her long list of problems) would consider calling me either. About my "bad reputation," bad rep with who? I have like four friends out in here. Well, probably three now after this debacle. So, I'm not too too worried about having rumors flying around about things I didn't or did or was thinking about doing. As for "threrapy," I have my therapy: THIS BLOG.

I don't like to blame the way things happened to me for the way things are. As I've survived two major heartbreaks (John and Pville) in a row, I learned that using your past to justify your present doesn't get you anywhere. So I'm not going to go into what "I've been through" to convey the message that as far as level-headed 25 year olds go, I'm pretty good.

(Also, this excerpt makes me sound like the town floozy. I've slept with a small, small selection of men in the past few years and I drink only when I'm out with friends. I can pretty much always get my ass home and up out of bed the next morning so I'm not planning on joining The Program anytime soon- even though I think it is a wonderful, wonderful thing that saved my mom's life.)

In case you were wondering, I did manage to fire a few rounds back at her. Don't worry, it's not Alanna and this person will not be receiving her own tag much less a knick-name on this blog.

***VERY IMPORTANT: I realize that this blog was devised on the premise that I'm not the bigger person and I do childish things... but this actually made me realize how crazy I was acting before with John. I don't take any of it back, because it still makes me laugh, but I will think twice about how I act towards him in the future. It's almost like there's a big mirror in front of me and I'm like "OOOOOH, that's FUUUUUGLY." Except on the inside. So more like an x-ray. Of emotional health. I'm confusing myself now. Long story short, if it makes me a hypocrite or not, this lady's off her rocker.

UPDATE: I have been threatened with a restraining order. So... not quite sure how that's gonna work.

Amazing.

2009-02-19T05:19:00.000-08:00

So I got to work horribly early this morning and in my half-awake/"why-the-fuck-am-i-here-right-now" state, I came across this quote on Alex Blagg's blog. (Alex, as you will read on his blog, used to write for Best Week Ever tv.)

"When I die, someone had better fucking BLAST this at my funeral (it’s only meant to be played at the highest possible volume).

As you listen to it, try to think of me on the bow of a small yacht, flying across the Miami shoreline, high on cocaine and shooting an Uzi into the air while screaming at the top of my lungs."

I'm still in the throws of giggle fits. If you grew up with this movie like I did, you get it. And after the horrible few days I have just had- this is the best thing ever. Hands down.

UPDATE: I just came back to listen to this song again. And again. I have to say, picturing myself in Alex's fantasy- AWESOME.

I think I need help.

2009-02-18T12:15:00.000-08:00

Here it is everybody, the one thing that will make everyone NOT want to read this blog anymore...

Well, wait. Before I come right out and say it, I need to build up to it. Of course.

Every year about this time for the past seven or eight years, there's a cultural phenomenon that takes over the TV sets of Americans everywhere- though really not a surprise given the history of America and more specifically, America's obsession for talent. I could get into how it is a flagship for capitalism and bla bla bla, but like I always remind you all- intelligent conversation is best found somewhere else.

Aaaaaanyway, "American Idol" is everyone's guilty pleasure, rock star fantasy, and train wreck come true. As much as most people hate it, they don't get the ratings they do from no one- someone is watching it. And someone is buying up all those Kelly Clarkson CDs and Carrie Underwood iTunes(es?) and googling David Cook everyday (wait, am I the only one who does that?). So, you know what I'm talking about and chances are you've seen an episode or two if you aren't in a complex awaiting the return of the messiah.

So. What I have to say to you is this:

I really like Ryan Seacrest. Like in an awkward uncomfortable sort of way.

It happens every year when Idol starts up. He smiles into that camera and says something corny and I get chills. I was jealous when he was mauled by Bikini Girl this year and I want to reach through the TV when he hugs those bubbly girls who come out of the room clutching their golden flyer.

Maybe it's that familiar face I see every night on E! that reminds me that things are going to be ok as long as he's around and bringing me the latest details about Suri Cruise. Maybe it's his witty repoirte with Simon Cowell as he walks the line between friendly and flirty. I don't know what it is, I don't know what is wrong with me. But...

Seacrest is hot.

Awkward and questionably gay, too.

But so, so hot.

Just another bitch.

2009-02-17T12:10:00.000-08:00

So, when I was in school I had a guy say to me: "I jack off while thinking about you." I pretended like I didn't hear it and went about hooking up with him. Whatever. Then when I heard it again from a different guy after I was done with school, I had to start to wonder if it was coincidence. I have heard it from over five different guys now (in different variations of the phrase). So I have to ask:

Do you really all think that is something a girl wants to hear?

Ok, so i tried to understand all of this. Maybe you guys think that you are paying us a compliment? Like "I think about you so much when you aren't around that I just can't control my physical desires and have to whip it out and make love to a tissue." I think I would rather the more traditional "You are really pretty."

I have to say that I do not want to hear about your masturbatory practices in relationship to me. Maybe some girls dig that and that's their prerogative. Personally, I think it is a little gross (actually, a LOT gross). You jack off to porn and strippers and prostitutes. That's like equating me with that. Not to mention the whole act itself, while natural and perfectly normal, is a little ridiculous looking. No thank you, sir.

That's it. I was just wondering aloud.

Only the Lonely.

2009-02-16T07:53:00.000-08:00

Happy Valentine's Day, Romantics!

So, I'm thinking I should probably recap my Valentine's Day for those of you who are curious. (It did NOT include me giving the masterpiece of a mixed CD to PVille Guy.)

It actually started with me getting d-runk, t-rashed, and other such variations of the word, while bowling in Parma. Yes, Parma. For those not in the know (international friends), Parma is pretty much the Ohio equivalent to... um... Chino. I hate to go all OC here, but I would never- NEVER- date someone from Parma- or Chino. Pretty much all of the westside of the Cleve (with the exception of Lakewood) is just a waste of space. Ohio ends at Cleveland for me. (But what about Cedar Point you say? I don't consider that part of Ohio, really.) Anyway, I could go on and on and on about how much I detest Parma and how the eastside of Ohio is the lesser of the two evils (Ohio is just lame all around).

Aaaaaaanyway, I realized that I was the cutest person at the bowling alley. This was a double-edged sword. Great because everyone needs to feel like they're the hottest in the room at least once in their life, not so great because there was not really any one worth my time and effort there (think the cast of "Napolean Dynamite). Of course this led to the increased imbibing of several drinks- including a standby man for any girl, Jose Cuervo.

None of this is relevant if not for the Cuervo that led to the Horrible Hangover of 2009. Not only was I wishing for death, I was hoping it would be quick and painless- like death by French Swordsman or something. Of course, the days you wish that you were laying in bed relaxing/recovering are always the days before you have twenty of your mother's closest AA friends coming over for a brunch.

I made cookies and cake and not once did I think of how sad it is that I would be sharing these not with a sig-o*, but a group of recovering alcoholics (actually, on second thought, they probably appreciated it a lot more than a guy would anyway).

And yes, I did watch Romantic "Girl with unrealistic job and salary meets guy with unrealistic job and salary in New York city and then fall in love, but wait! there's a problem, but no- they're ok because now they're running toward each other on a street" Comedies. "Must Love Dogs," "Somethings Gotta Give" (really disturbing for younger people, by the way. I had nightmares of Jack Nicholson wanting to date me.), and "How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days" (the most annoying, by far). Oddly enough, by the end of all of this, I was actually NOT curled up in the fetal position and singing "All By Myself" on the floor.

It was weird. Because, really, I didn't feel anything. Not upset or angry or sad. Hungover, yes, but other than that pretty damn good. It was like a reassuring "You're gonna be ok" from some unseen voice somewhere. And gosh darnit, I was!

Why can't they make a movie like that? Girl with realistic job, crap car, and underpaid salary meets guy with too many issues to count, falls in love, he breaks her heart, she realizes she's ok- no running toward each other on the street. The end. Roll credits. I can understand why the "Friday the 13th" remake did so well this weekend, I guess. Guy meets girl, guy kills girl, guy kills another girl. It's the same idea.

For next year, or really any time that you feel the need to immerse yourself in that lovey-dovey feeling, skip the Matthew McC/Goldie Hawn's daughter drivel and go for "Say Anything." You will love it and respect yourself in the morning. And that right there reminded me that there's still hope for finding a real Lloyd Dobler.

*Significant other.

"You know what really grinds my gears?"*

2009-02-11T09:30:00.000-08:00

I've got to say it: every time that I decide having children wouldn't be the Hell that I've made it up in my mind to be, I get seated in front of one on a plane.

This particular monster was a four year old red head in a green sweater. He was trouble from the moment I saw him, grinning ear to ear when his mother let him sit by himself in the single seat row.

It started almost immediately after take off. The kicks.

"Stop," his mother whispered. "The lady doesn't like it."

Of course this brat wasn't going to listen to her and she probably knew it, smiling to herself the more exasperated my sighs became.

Which brings me to my point: PARENTS- CUT IT OUT WITH THE SMUGNESS. Seriously folks, I'm not planning on having kids so don't even start thinking "Oh she'll feel differently when she has her own" or "You can't know what it's like until you have one."

I DON'T WANT ONE. OR TWO. OR EIGHT.

Do you know what most economical experts will tell you is the best way to save money? Well, besides buying a boat. NOT HAVING CHILDREN.

And I'm sorry if my life doesn't include picking old Cheerios out of my car or wiping up drool or buying Disney Princess bedroom sets only to have the brat turn around and say that she only likes Hannah Montana now- but that was your stupid choice (and if it wasn't, it's called contraception- look into it).

Really, babies are darling as long as they aren't mine and as long as they don't grow up to be little snots who don't listen and take you for every dime you have.

I'm on to you, children. I get what you're doing... and I don't like it.

*"You, America. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck you."

I'm shipping up to Boston.

2009-02-10T06:09:00.000-08:00

So, if you want to know how I was feeling after a weekend of partying hard in Boston, play this video as loud as it goes, bang your head against your desk or a cabinet, and wake up next to a strange (but kind of cute) Asian kid from LA. And this was just my Saturday morning.

To try and recap this night would be a little tricky considering I'm not even sure what happened myself- especially since I was in a completely different place than the rest of my group for about a half an hour (I call it the Lost Cab Ride). Alanna and I used to recap our nights at Miami of Ohio but it really just ended up confusing everyone trying to read it who wasn't there. I can tell you this: I got back on the horse when it came to flirting with guys (and making out with random people), I didn't get back to my hotel until 5 am, and I met a cabbie named AJ who all of us white kids insisted on calling Bootleg (for his lack of a meter).

We may or may not have gotten in a bar brawl- my knuckles are mysteriously skinned and feeling like I connected with someone's jaw. We may or may not have killed a hobo- I'm not sure; it's Boston, crazy shit happens.

We DID have fun though and if I could remember more, I would certainly tell you if I thought you'd understand any of it.

Horror: The Remix.

2009-02-04T07:44:00.001-08:00

Everybody (and by that I mean every self-proclaimed expert on any give subject) has a rant lately. Since politics, Obama's family, the job market, and the Economic Stimulus package are all taken, I would like to go off about a not as important but just as prevalent topic:

Horror movie remakes.

I know I could tell you about my adventures of the last week (singing Mr. Big to a sports bar full of white trash stereotypes while flirting with a girl- yes a girl- and wondering if I might have this whole guy thing entirely wrong) or my list of things I'm going to do the next four days in Beantown. But I'd rather do this and it's my blog. If you're bored, you can go somewhere else.

Inspired by both the thirtieth viewing of Michael Bay's newest remake "Friday the 13th" and an article by the wise talent of Pajiba.com, I realized that we are quickly becoming a generation of remakes and remixes and unoriginality. But before I get to that conclusion, let me tell you why I'm so peeved at horror movies in particular.

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "The Amityville Horror," "The Hills Have Eyes," "Friday the 13th," "Halloween," and the upcoming "Last House on the Left" have all been totally redone. "Christine" is also on it's way too. Now, I'm not sure exactly as to the why but I think it's cheaper and therefore guaranteed profit at the box office- but I could be wrong. I'm not a movie producer- I'm a respectable human being.

I've seen all the originals. They're good. Of course they aren't OSCAR good but that's because they are an entirely different category of film making and therefore have their own rules and standards, etc. Cheap thrills, guts and blood, tits and ass. Whatever. One thing they aren't: pretty. Even the film that they are shot on is old (because this new shit wasn't available back then) and there was no such thing as IMAX or HiDef. They are sickening and hard to watch. You are discomforted by it. I never thought that evisceration could be pretty anyway.

And then I saw the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." And Jessica Beil running around, still looking hotter covered in blood than I ever will. I thought "Damn, this is gross but there's something not right... it feels..." And the word I was looking for was contrived. All remakes feel contrived. Because it's already been done and some hack in Hollywood wants to do it all again to make a quick buck (I think, like I said, I'm not sure).

One of my favorite stupid things Bravo ever did was a list of the top 100 scariest films of all time. I thought it was a pretty cool waste of time back in school because it a)it was five hours long and when you're hungover on a Saturday, you don't really care and b) included movies I had never even heard of before. One of those films was "Last House on the Left." Wes Craven explained that as a peace-loving hippie, he felt the best way to make an anti-violence film was to make violence so revolting that no one would want to do it.

Cut to a week ago when I saw the flashy new trailer for the remake. With a accoustic cover of "Sweet Child of Mine" sung by a girl and flashy cuts between Monica Potter, Tony Goldwyn, and CJ from the "Dawn of the Dead" remake* and a slogan that goes something like "What would you do if someone hurt someone you love? How far would you go to hurt them back?". I admit, it had my heart racing and I was excited. If it could stand alone as its own movie and not be "Last House on the Left," that would be awesome.

Except that "Last House on the Left" is a revolting, gory movie that leaves you with a feeling of both disgust and... no that's it, just disgust. Actually, anger. You'll get pretty angry too. At your friend who wanted to rent it, at Wes Craven for making it, at the actors for doing it. It's that disturbing. Read: it doesn't need to be remade! It did a pretty good job of achieving its goals the first time around!

So that really just brings me to the point: my generation has been scarred by many things; namely reality TV, the Bush Administration, and the need to remake and rehash everything that used to be good. There are some exceptions- like some examples of sampling by superior hip-hop artists (actually, that's the only exception and even that fails most of the time). And as far as other movies go, I love Steve Martin- but does he do Peter Sellers any justice by remaking "The Pink Panther"? (The answer is no.) Also, why is "Knight Rider" still on? The original SUCKED ENOUGH! Yeah, I said it.

Is it that hard to come up with something new? I don't want to have kids and tell them that all of the movies that came out when I was younger were just remakes and all of the songs I liked in high school were just ripped off of old songs. Because then I'd have to be like "You need to talk to your grandma, because everything I used to like was already stolen from her generation."

Also, I think it's time to petition Hollywood to STOP raping the Asian Horror film market with their crappy remakes- "The Uninvited" being the most recent, with "Oldboy" being the next victim (even though I'm holding out hope, Mr. Speilberg, I really am), and "The Ring" the only, ONLY, decent one of the whole bunch.

So, in conclusion: Movie Producers please quit while you're not even ahead and spare us from your "inspired" remakes of "Leprachaun" and "Killer Klowns from Outer Space." Hip-hoppers, keep sampling but use with caution and proceed judiciously. And TV. I gave up on you last year because I'm sick of "The Bachelor," I don't care about how much weight Fattie loses at "The Biggest Loser" and I'm still pissed that you cancelled "Swingtown."

*By the way, "Dawn of the Dead" the remake is exempt from this rant (only because I think it is way better than the original. It's just so good. And yes it's pretty, but I don't care. Zombie movies are different.

Oh Phil.

2009-02-02T10:10:00.001-08:00

Grr....

I don't think I could take two more days of winter, much less 6 weeks.

Ben!

2009-02-02T05:29:00.000-08:00

Congratulations to my former classmate at Miami on his second championship ring!

Also, I found out that Ryne Robinson, another Redhawk, is currently playing for the Carolina Panthers. He holds a special place in my heart because he hit on me at a party once.

ME (in text to Alanna): Why didn't I sleep with Ryne Robinson when I had the chance? I could have had NFL babies and been a real housewife of Atlanta or something!

ALANNA: OMG those are the only acceptable babies.

ME: I'm gonna go ahead and dream that.

ALANNA: Me too. I'm going to dream about visiting you, your hot husband, and your biracial children in your warm weather mansion.

Southside.

2009-01-30T11:20:00.000-08:00

Here's a sign of age:

You know when you're driving along in your car and all of a sudden a grrrreat song comes on from when you were in your glory days in high school or at college and you're all, "Yeah, yeah! I love this song. Good tune, gooooood tune" and you go to turn it up (perhaps in an effort to recapture how you felt at 18 or something), and you start singing... only to realize that you don't really know any of the words? But you keep singing over them, changing mid lyric so that there's some resemblance to the correct one or continuing on with the wrong verse? And by the end, you pat yourself on the back because you feel cool like you just fit back into your high school jeans, even though you still managed to fuck up every single word...

I think that happened to me today.

Lonely Hearts Club. (the original soundtrack.)

2009-01-30T07:45:00.001-08:00

Yeah, yeah- I'm temporarily back. I've been a little distracted as of late between looking for Boston apartments, trying to figure out the mindfuck that is "Lost," and tax season (which is done for me as of 9:00 am EST this morning- I like to file ASAP). In all of this I decided to create a Valentine's Day mix. Originally for PVille guy, meant only as a "Here's some cool music in the form of a cheap homemade mix cd to tell you on this Valentine's Day that I enjoy occasionally having sex with you when I'm bored." Although the less interested (read: more bored) I become with him, the more I seem to be making this cd for my own benefit to assure the fact that I can still organize good songs that share a similar theme into a cohesive playlist with a rise and fall, blending together effortlessly. Alanna has perfected this art and only a couple of my efforts ("Going Home for Turkey Day 2003" and "Miami Graduation Present/Goodbye Alamo") have come close to a seamless compilation.

The goal of the mix cd/tape (depending on how old you are) is to make the recipient listen to the whole cd without wanting to skip ahead or turn it off. Also, it should be said that the art of the mixed tape is oft abused by mopey boyfriends and horny college frat boys (who think that any combination of DMB, John Mayer, Guster, and whatever the college band du jour is will get them laid). Case in point, a friend of ours at Miami of Ohio asked if Alanna would craft a "lovemaking" cd for him and his girlfriend (one of our other roommates). In an act of rebellion and disgust (and an earlier example of an exercise in childish behavior), we "accidently" slipped "Closer" by Nine Inch Nails to "spice" up the moment with his virginal girlfriend. Nothing says love me tender like "I wanna fuck you like an animal." *

So, getting back to me- it's still a work in progress but here's what I got so far (with accompanying liner notes):

1. "Sometime Around Midnight" by the Airborne Toxic Event (it's awesome)

2. "Crush" by Dave Matthews Band (which I really debated on due to its college dorm room feel)

3. "Satellite" also by Dave Matthews Band (because it's my favorite song- sorry, but I still have some Miami girl left in me, also when this was originally for PVille guy it was important because that's his favorite band)

4. "Stolen" by Dashboard Confessional (I heard this song on "Scrubs." I liked it. This does not, NOT, mean I like the band.)

5. "Put A Little Love In It" by Ike Reilly

6. "Commie Drives A Nova" also by Ike Reilly (ok, I understand that one of the unspoken rules of mixes is to try to not repeat artists but I love both of these songs and think they add some levity to the whole cd. also, If i need to cut somebody, then I can choose between the two).

7. "Squeezebox" by the Who (again, another PVille guy reference because he hates them but I think this song is funny and somewhat relevant to the bra size I wear).

8. "Every Little Thing She Does" by the Police(an addition made after thinking I didn't want to give this cd away. this song makes me happy)

9. "Sex on Fire" by Kings of Leon (title self explanatory)

10. "Good Feeling" by Violent Femmes. (to give myself indie "street cred". also love it because it is marshall and lily's "song" on "how i met your mother.")

12. "Don't Panic" by Coldplay (not exactly a love song, but definitely an important track on the soundtrack of Pville and I)

13. "All I Want Is You" by U2. (it's not Valentine's Day without Bono. it's not meloncholy without Ireland).

14. "La La Love Song" by the Pixies. (I love the Pixies. That is all. Actually, "Where Is My Mind" would have made more sense in it's nonsense, if you can make sense of that.)

15. "Lovesong" by the Cure. (again, Valentine's Day + Melancholy.)

Like I said, it's still a work in progress (I have 14 days + to go so I'm not worried). As for who gets it, maybe PVille Guy but probably not. I totally want to use the above piece as cover art. The site listed below is where I'm still finding inspiration:

Indie Selections for Your Erection

Any thoughts???

*I apologize for the amount of " " in that sentence- now I feel like that guy everyone hates who always uses them in casual conversation.

Nothing.

2009-01-23T11:35:00.000-08:00

....aaaaaaaaaaand I got nothing.

Sorry, folks. I'm tragically uninspired today. All of my "Lost" presupposing really got in the way of my creativity.

I told you I'm crazy.

2009-01-22T11:49:00.003-08:00

“So we can go back and kill Hitler?” to which Dr. Chang shot back, “Please…there are rules. Rule #1 - You can’t go back and kill Hitler. Everyone was always like ‘oh, let’s go kill Hitler’ and we were never getting any work done, so we banned that one right off the bat.”- bwe.tv recap by Dan Hopper.

I know, I know. I keep making "Lost" posts. BECAUSE IT WAS THAT GOOD. Here are my reflections from the episode:

In a totally non-BWE.tv Lost Recap related statement, Alanna joked that it was "Weekend At Bernies 2k9."

Ben and Jack's bromance is both pretty gosh darn cute and alarming. Especially how 1) Ben flushed his pills and 2) stuck up for him ("The man's been through a lot!") in the end.

Sun is one manipulative beeeeotch. ("I don't blame you" while thinking "You bitch, you are the real reason my Jin is dead. YOU YOU YOU.)

I love that Sawyer is so desperate to get a shirt on. You love it, you know Juliet is checking you out. Admit it. Seriously, he was just short of breaking out into an all out Chippendale's routine last night.

Is there anything more adorable than Hurley? Especially that scene with his madre.

HOLY CRAP, THERE'S THAT DAMN DOG.

That annoying guy is too annoying. He's so gonna die.

Hmmm, Dr. Hanso is oriental. So is Miles. So is Dr. Hanso's woman. And there's a baby in the beginning. Coincidence?

Does anyone care that Claire is still missing? Anyone?

Aaaaaaaand whadya know, that annoying guy died (in a totally "Troy"/"Braveheart"/every historical battle movie you've ever scene way).

The commentary in the pre-show recap was priceless. "Jack's an unhappy guy. He's grown this horrible beard. So you can pretty much guess he's unhappy."

And could someone please tell me why the hell Michelle Rodriguez (as dead AnaLucia) is giving Hurley advice to "not get arrested?" Hello, kettle? Pot calling.

That's all. Oh, and that it was literally the best two hours of my life. LITERALLY.

"So where's all this change, Obama?"

2009-01-22T07:54:00.001-08:00

Not to continue on the political tip, because there are much better sites for that, but I have to say that I really love the guys at 23/6. I'm going to have to cast my vote for "Where's all the new jobs? Mine still sucks."

Although I really do miss being smarter than the President.

Heavy.

2009-01-22T05:38:00.001-08:00

ALANNA: "They could really use a Doc Brown on that island."

ME: "That would be the most amazingly retarded thing ever. As in both amazing and completely ridiculous. And therefore they must do it. It will be the happiest day of my life."

If you saw "Lost," I'm sure that in a way this makes sense to you. If not, it was AWESOME.

I must confess.

2009-01-21T09:54:00.001-08:00

Since this blog was started in November (long after it ended its fourth season), I have had no need to let you all in on this:

Ready?

I'm obsessed with "Lost." Pretty much to the point where I watch episodes of "Intervention" and think, Gee, I know how that feels! (only with less Meth and more Sawyer). So you can imagine how incredibly psyched I am that it premieres its fifth season tonight on ABC (international fans, sorry- I think you guys are like only on season 3 or something). I'm pretty much forcing myself to sit down and actually do work today in an effort not to jump around and do kartwheels. Let's face it, this is the highlight of my month (you know, besides Obama and all that). So, in no particular order, I thought I would tell you the rules that I have imposed on my home on this particular night of nights:

1. You do not talk during "Lost." This one is directed at YOU, Mom. (actually, this rule is a revamped version of the Symmes Hall "Alias" Act of 2001 from Miami University).

2. No questions. Really just an addition to rule #1. If you don't understand something, watch the DVDs. I really just cannot explain everything to you and hope that you'll understand.

3. No criticizing "Lost" before, during, or after broadcast. It pretty much goes without saying that this is the best written show (EVER) when it comes to plot, character development, and complexity so your nitpicking will not change that.

4. No phone calls. This one is for you DAD. I don't really care about the weather in Arizona.

5. No boys, no drama. There is no gossip time during "Lost" nor are there any problems with boys. For one hour a week, there are no man issues. They only serve as a distraction from the real issue at hand: What the hell is with the four-toed foot?

Lord knows, I love a lot of TV. However, "Lost" is just something more than TV. And for the next 5 months (or however long the season runs), "Lost" is life.

I've invested four years of my life in this show- much longer than any relationship, job, or house I've ever lived in as an adult. With two seasons left, I shall give it my undivided attention.

I'm sure this post has only confirmed that I am a crazy person.

"It's a beautiful day."

2009-01-20T12:25:00.000-08:00

"America. In the face of our common dangers, in this winter of our hardship, let us remember these timeless words. With hope and virtue, let us brave once more the icy currents, and endure what storms may come. Let it be said by our children's children that when we were tested we refused to let this journey end, that we did not turn back nor did we falter; and with eyes fixed on the horizon and God's grace upon us, we carried forth that great gift of freedom and delivered it safely to future generations."

Happy Obama Day to you!

Current Events.

2009-01-19T10:05:00.000-08:00

TEXT FROM ME: "All those people on the plane survive the same week as Obama becomes president. Coincidence? Let the miracles begin! No one is going to die this year!"

TEXT FROM ALANNA: "What plane?"

ME: "Dude, turn on the TV."

ALANNA: "WHOA."

Things to do in Ohio when it's below 0... (part 1)

2009-01-16T07:17:00.000-08:00

I told you I would try and get more drinks out here.

Here is my "Geauga County Snow-ball" (a new take on the traditional whiskey highball)

2 oz blended whiskey
carbonated water
1 twist lemon peel

and here's the best part, REAL GEAUGA COUNTY SNOW!*

Pour blended whiskey into a highball glass over snow. Fill with carbonated water and stir. Add the twist of lemon peel and serve.

*Only real Geauga County snow works for this. You could try Upstate New York varieties for a similar smoothness and taste, however I suggest you get the original shipped.

SAT Words.

2009-01-14T11:50:00.000-08:00

I recently realized that after all of the wasted time obsessing over the John situation, the many chemicals I use to get that "flat and shiny" look for my hair, and the hours of "90210" reruns I've watched in an effort to distract myself from said John situation, I've killed my brain. This isn't like "after four years of college maybe I killed some brain cells," this is like "I don't remember state capitals and I am quickly losing my once extensive (see, that's not even a really good word to use here!) vocabulary that I enjoyed in high school, oh God am I senile already?" brain-mush.

That being said* from now on, in an effort to retain what has been lost, I will be doing vocabulary words every month (or whenever I remember to do them). Ironically, this was my least favorite part of junior year honors English. Now, as I struggle to write your basic "strongly worded email" to my insurance company, I see what Mr. Siedlecki's point was.

Here are your January 2009 words and sample sentences.

1. excogitate: The idea that Heidi and Spencer are celebrities excogitates from the idea that "The Hills" is a popular show.

2. ruminate: I ruminated my gum. (Ah, it works word snobs- look it up!)

3. maudlin: Many accused me of being maudlin after John and I had our falling out.

4. lachrymose: It's true, I was a little lachrymose.

5. adept: Sarah Palin is very adept at making herself look like a churl.

6. sagacious (sagacity): I wish I was sagacious, but I'm just aloof.

7. sapient: Barack Obama won the election because of his sapient nature and dulcet speaking tone.

8. sybaritic: I would love to find a man who can keep up with my sybaritic lifestyle.

9. epicurean: My epicurean nature makes it ok to get wasted on good wine.

10. choleric: I have a choleric temperament due to Republicans and Evangelists.

11. irascible: Maybe it's the weather, maybe it's FCOG. Lately I've been pretty irascible.

12. churl: Sarah Palin.

*"That being said" is my favorite transition of all time. You could basically create any non sequitur you choose with it. "I think you are a fat idiot. That being said, I'm hungry for pancakes." Also, it makes insults sound less, I don't know, insulting. "You're lazy, worthless, and you have shamed this family for years. That being said, I think you are wonderful dancer." Although I use it to do none of these things here and I am now only realizing that just because you can make a humorous point, doesn't mean you should do it. I thought maybe I should go back and choose a different transition but then I realized I'm tired and it's snowing and while it doesn't prove my point, it still works in this situation. SEE WHAT I MEAN? I'VE LOST MY MIND.

Smart: it's the new Hot. (And neurotic is the new charming.)

I wonder what they named the dog?

2009-01-14T11:37:00.000-08:00

This is going with the "Man sells daughter for cash, beer, and meat" story from yesterday. What is with the horrific parenting plague sweeping America lately?

I mean, come on. Raising a kid is not hard. Make sure you have a fenced in yard, newspaper on the floor, and plenty of water in their dish. Am I right?

Paparazzi.

2009-01-14T07:18:00.000-08:00

While the rest of the world is obsessing over Britney's "comeback," Kelly Clarkson's new single, and Christina Aguilera's Target Commercial, this chick keeps pumping out BRILLIANT pop songs. BRILLiant. It could be because this song was used in the Hamptons episode of "Gossip Girl" with a kiss between Serena and Nate (and for those who watch this show, I think it's time that Serena and Nate reunited. I'm so bored of Dan "Pansey" Humphrey). It could be because the beat is just awesome and I can't help not to start dancing at my desk. I don't know. All I know is that this song is hypnotic. AND I LOVE IT.

I'm sorry, but I had to post this song. I don't want to post songs because that's ripping on Chez's thing over at DeusExMalcontent.com (and really, I agree with him 99% of the time). However, I think if you like pop music, then you should listen to Lady Gaga.

Oh, and I totally think that Aguilera ripped off her style.

Today on MSN.com...

2009-01-13T09:57:00.000-08:00

Does anyone see anything wrong with this? Like say the top story of the hour?

David Letterman used to have a segment on his show called "Is this something?"

Yes, this is definitely something.

Leaving on a Jet Plane.

2009-01-13T09:21:00.000-08:00

Putting all fears of dying in a fiery crash aside, I will be taking a much needed break back "home" to Boston. I say home because until I was 11, this is the general region in which I lived before my parents sat me down and said "It's not your fault, but mommy and daddy don't love each other anymore" (and thus sending me into a downward spiral of daddy issues and intimacy problems, but I digress). I will be there for four days the first weekend of February and therefore not posting anything. So to the ten of you, I think you can survive.

I'm currently struggling with my transportation issues. I admit that I'm a terrible driver. I also admit that Massachusetts is known for two things: taxes and bad drivers (and the Red Sox, and Cheers, and Sam Adams, and Paul Revere, etc). So, it will be interesting to see how this all... plays out.

So excited to see all the Rowes (people who share my DNA AND my last name!)

At the Movies... again!

2009-01-13T06:39:00.000-08:00

Ok so, as I previously mentioned the Golden Globes were on on Sunday. This year, there is an interesting array of fare that harbors on the side of unconventional when it comes to what is considered "the best." For example, "Slumdog Millionaire," as Dan Hopper of BWE.tv points out, was neither "historical nor gay nor three hours long". It's about Indians. In Mumbai. "The Wrestler" stars someone that should be dead by now and Marisa Tomei. And that annoying as hell girl that dated Marilyn Manson.

I live in Ohio. While I would love to see these movies, I simply do not have the time or patience to drive to the Cedar Lee theater and chance getting my car stolen. So I have to pick and choose my battles when it comes time for awards season (and that's usually based, like how I pick up men, on first impressions).

"Slumdog Millionaire." Not interested, not about white people. (Of course I'm kidding. I'm not interested because it's about FOREIGNERS).

"The Wrestler." Who is Mickey Rourke? I'm told he had a career in the early nineties? I don't like wrestling so that's a con. But I DO like strippers. So that's a plus. Hmmm.

"The Reader." Looks like a downer. "The problem with doing a Holocaust film is there's no gag reel on the DVD, is there?"- Ricky Gervais

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." The title is already long enough. I'm bored.

"Revolutionary Road." It's Jack and Rose had they gotten married! Um, why are they yelling so much in the trailer?

"Rachel Getting Married." Can someone please tell Anne Hathaway that she's boring me? Thanks.

"Dark Knight." Two words: Woo and a hoo. Loved. It.

"Wall-E." Umm, can we say Best Motion Picture of the Year? Cause I just did suckas!

"Milk." This movie looks so uplifting! A gay man in office! It's the feel good movie of the year, I'm sure it has a happy ending! Wait... What?

"Vicky Christina Barcelona." Try "Vicky Christina Boring."

"Frost/Nixon." Other than the funniness in the trailer ("What did you do last night? Did you do any FORNICATING?" Oh, tricky Dick...) and the big gasp moment ("When the president does it, it's not illegal!"), I'm just not motivated.

"Doubt." I doubt it. No, for real, this is the only movie that has me somewhat intrigued. I think the Catholic Church is an interesting institution and that nuns are quite complex characters, what with giving up men for God and all. I like Amy Adams and I like Meryl Streep and I love Phillip Seymour Hoffman. So... maybe.

"Changeling." Again, I think the best parts of this movie are in the preview. SO... that saved me $8.50 right there.

Movies for sure avoided: 10 (at 8.50/ticket- current rate in Ohio)
Money saved: $85.00 (that's my cell phone bill, a new pair of pants, or a really nice Coach wristlet bag)

So, as you can see, when it comes to the cinema I have the refined tastes of a 13 year old boy. Only three of these movies have actually made it to our local theaters and I'm sure you can guess which ones I'm talking about. Cleveland is just not a big market for film... an idea that should be tipped off by the fact that the only time celebrities come here is if the Cavs are in the playoffs. Which by the looks of it this year, we're gonna get lucky.

(Honestly, it's really funny to see West 6th turn into Robertson Blvd. Two years ago, Eva Longoria, Jack Nicholson, Beyonce, and Jay Z all forced smiles as they endured our "nightlife.")

This girl is smiling because:

2009-01-12T11:48:00.001-08:00

CRAZ-O

A: She just realized her Mac at work has this fun thing called PhotoBooth and is contemplating all of the awesome X-rated possibilities.

B: She's not really smiling, just working on her "crazy eyes."

C: She's thinking about how wonderful Neil Patrick Harris was on SNL ("And thrust, thrust, thrust... double time!")

D: She just got a job as Snow White at Disney World and can't wait to get the hell out of Ohio and all this snow.

E: She is trying to figure out whether to use "Your" or "You're."

(Yes, that's your crazy heroine du jour in the picture. Do I look FAT?!)

Guaranteed to get you a man in 90 days or less.*

2009-01-12T10:22:00.001-08:00

As much as I would like to not restrain the snark on this particular post, last night I couldn't help but try and condense years of horrific dating experience/thousands spent on Cosmo and Glamour into 10 generalities that every single girl should probably know. Pretty much, after all this time, this comes down to a list of lessons from mistakes I made and shall not make again (or at least try not to make again). I swear to God, if any of you fuckers steal this and write a relationship book I will come after you. :)

1. Be yourself. Obvious, yes. Do people do it? No. I changed myself completely because I thought certain people would like me more (JOHN). The truth is you are stuck with yourself for many years so don't compromise YOU because you think a guy is worth it. If you must change, then change for the better and become the best, most smiley and upbeat version of yourself. Be articulate and make interesting points. Don't dumb yourself down.

2. Jump in With Both Feet. You will date many men in your lifetime. Unless you found your soul mate out of high school or college, which does happen but not always (good for you if you did). Chances are, your heart will be eviscerated and smashed and put in a blender until there's nothing left. But here's the tough part: You can't let that scare you away from the next guy. You have to figure out a way to move on (and you will, I promise).

3. Date "losers." This was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend last night. You really cannot have a list of requirements for potential mates. Some girls do have high standards and there is nothing really wrong with that, but don't rule someone out because they don't make a lot of money or they didn't go to college. If a guy works hard and he's honest and genuinely fun to talk to, he deserves a chance- and at the very least, a conversation.

4. Don't Look for a Husband. Now, I make no guarantees with any of this. I'm just telling you what will help you out in the long run and give you peace of mind so you don't have to beat yourself up. Charlotte York was on a quest for a husband in "Sex and The City," and I have to say it was a pretty annoying storyline. Not only did she end up with a dysfunctional marriage, but she had unrealistic goals and deadlines set for herself (ultimately causing her to almost lose her second husband). Looking for a husband really only sets yourself up for failure not to mention scares of the opposite sex (men, by nature, are commitment-phobes and slow as snails when it comes to any kind of long term relationship). Don't rush things that are good. Just take your time and the rest will fall into place. Besides, marriage should not be the goal- love should be.

5. Don't play damsel and stop looking for your knight. Girls who need to be rescued are a novelty. Once your rescued, it will all get really old really quickly. Be a strong person, change your own tires and fix your own lights- or at least know how to dial up a professional who can. Girls who fall into the damsel role so easily (and at times, I have fallen into this category, too) start to take advantage of it. And men will see right through it.

6. Say yes. This is hard for a lot of women who want to be seen as strong and independent. Strong and independent is good, but it can also come off bitchy. Say yes if he wants to hang out. Say yes if he wants to play pool (which, ugh, I hate). Say yes if he wants to see a stupid movie that you have no desire to see (Hello, "Bangkok Dangerous"? Yeah, ummNO). As long as it isn't something that will make you feel totally uncomfortable (I completely understand, and actually support, saying no to a 5-way orgy with a goat and a gallon of Canola Oil), there's no harm in trying something.

7. Smile. I know this sounds like a pageant mom's advice for her four year-old. However, it's probably the easiest thing you can do to make yourself more attractive (Didya know that in advertisements clock hands are set to the 10 and 2 to form a smile because it is a more attractive shape?) This is one I had to learn the hard way. I have a big mouth with full lips, as does my sister. When we don't smile (ie, plain work face), we look like we are scowling (as we have been told many a times by our thin-lipped mother). So I have learned to keep some degree of a happy face in social gatherings. Now, I'm not talking like Joker grin... but just something that makes you approachable.

8. Be Your Own Person. I was taught this by my twelfth grade English teacher, Miss Delassandro. However, I didn't realize it until my last long term relationship. She was criticizing "Jerry Maguire" and the famous "You complete me" line he says to Renee Zelweger in the end. "You shouldn't want someone to complete you. You should be complete on your own." It's really true. And sadly, it takes some people years and years of marriage to figure it out. You should be a fully developed and stable person, able to exist on your own and self-sustain, before you take someone on in your life. Otherwise, when that person goes away, there will be a big hole left and it will cause a vacuum effect. Trust me when I say that's really hard to come out of.

9. Be clean. Really this is just housekeeping. Always be clean. Take showers before dates. Don't do drugs. Don't go on "Rock of Love: Bus." Don't drink a lot (rule of thumb: don't get so drunk that you can't get home on your own volition). Brush your teeth. Don't kiss someone after you puke. Make sure you get tested for HIV and other fun STDs. Take pride in your appearance. This isn't shallow, it's just a function of being a human. Really, no one wants to date the smelly girl with vomit in her greasy hair.

10. And finally, care of Ludacris via Usher's "Yeah": Be a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. While I do believe that this is self-explanatory, allow me to elaborate. Guys want a girl they take home to mom. They don't want one of Bret Michaels's rejects or someone who should be on "Charm School." Those girls are fun to look at, ogle, have a quickie with in the bathroom, but they aren't "Hey, meet my parents" material. So, don't hook up with Bret Michaels in a bathroom or do porn with a midget (really, any porn is not a good idea) if you want to have a relationship with a decent man. And no, Flava Flav, Chance, Real, and Bret do not count as "decent."
Second part of this, the "that being said" transition: behind closed doors, go crazy. As long as you are both consenting and conscious, I say have a lot of fun. Keep it between you and him. It's worth it. He doesn't want to hear about things you've done with other people and really, he doesn't want you broadcasting it to everyone either. I know it's the Madonna/whore complex but it's true. Men like the appearance of their wives to be sweet and classy while their mistresses are whorey and slutty. So your goal is to find the balance between the two. I know, it's not fair. But guys are stupid and have very banal brains.

So, that was my crack at relationship advice as shotty and half-assed as it may be. Guys, feel free to disagree or add to any of this.

*I make no guarantees about any of this working.

Race relations today.

2009-01-12T09:32:00.000-08:00

I LOVE TRACEY MORGAN.

"Welcome to post-racial America! I am the face of post-racial America. Deal with it, Cate Blanchett! We'd like to thank the Hollywood Foreign Press ... especially me, 'cause a black man can't get no love at the Emmys. I love you, Europe! That's what's up!"

-Tracey Morgan with the best acceptance speech of the night. (Props to Ricky Gervais' Holocaust gag reel reference and Seth Rogen's "doing coke with Mickey Rourke" quip for the presenters- because really, that sounds like an awesome time) (and also, Kate Winslet for "Oh God what's the other one's name?" in re: to ubiquitous Jolie).*

And since we are, apparently, approaching post-racial America, I would like to share with you my new favorite website. Ever. (I'm just going to start adding Ever to the ends of things and hope that BWE.tv accepts my application for part-time writer).

Here's White Whine.

*Texts with Alanna (as we watched the WHOLE thing together via texting):

ME: "Hey Tracey's had a lot to drink...Let's let him accept the award."
ALANNA: That actually went a lot better than I would have thought.

Define 'Dancing'.

2009-01-09T08:40:00.000-08:00

As we enjoy the circus that is Awards season and do retrospectives of the best of 2008, I would just like to share what I believe to be one of the most beautiful scenes* from the whole year. Seriously, this movie had me breathless throughout the whole thing. Once again, Pixar knocked it out of the park with "Wall-E."

Sorry that the clip is ripped-off from YouTube and you could probably get better quality by actually buying the movie.

*This scene left me with the same feeling that I had when I saw Jack and Rose up on the bow of the Titanic for the first time at age 14. Say what you will, to a teenage girl, there was nothing more amazing than seeing that scene on the big screen.

Missing in Boston...

2009-01-08T06:18:00.001-08:00

I just couldn't help myself. Here's what the Boston Missing Connections had to offer this morning (I really cannot stress enough the fact that I'm running out of material right now). Click on the pictures to read them better.

"You Almost Hit My Car On the Icy Roads" m4w 25 (Allston)

I actually thought that this would be a good premise for a crappy rom-com starring Patrick Dempsey and Kate Hudson or something. With a corny title like "Cold Hands, Warm Heart" or "Ice Queen" and in the preview "These Words" by Natasha Beddingfield would be playing. Predictable, of course, because they end up together in the end (no matter the fact it doesn't make any sense for her to give up that awesome job in LA for a guy she's known for two weeks). On another day, I will go off about how much I hate all formula romantic comedies.

"I Like The Skirts You Have Wore As Of Late" m4w (Newton)

I just love this because it reminds me of something that Daniel Cleaver would email to Bridget Jones about the hem of her skirt in an exercise of inappropriate office behavior.

"Bruins Game Show-Off" m4m 31 (Boston Garden)

And finally, this gem in the M4M section of Missed Connections. I don't know why this made me laugh so hard today, maybe it was the idea of this guy (we'll call him Larry) being on a date with his girlfriend (Pam) or out with the boys from the office and wearing his Bruins jersey as he walks into the men's facilities. Then Guy #2 comes along (we'll call him Dirk) all proud of himself, reminding Larry of days past with his roommate in college (his name will be Todd) when they used to play "just the tip..."

Seriously, one could create a whole blog centered solely compromised of Craigslist Missed Connections, Rants and Raves, Erotic Services, and the NSA section. But then one could be accused of having no life.

Nipped and tucked.

2009-01-07T12:03:00.001-08:00

"Watching 'Nip/Tuck' after all this time is like doing a line of coke after rehab. You feel bad that you're doing it again but it just feel so good."- Text from Me to Alanna last night.

And so it was true. After taking a hiatus from the show and then the show taking a hiatus from television, Shawn, Christian and I had a joyous, if not a tad disappointing, reunion. Of course, this disappointment was forgotten during the last fifteen minutes with a completely unnecessary double sex scene.

Missing were Julia and Kimber... where did they go? I've tried keeping up with synopses on "Television Without Pity" lately. It was a mistake to stop watching the show after they left Miami and I admit that. Christian and I are getting through it together. It was nice that they recapped the murder attempt by Shawn's sadly pathetic manager Colleen. Lots of blood, yum. What I gather from what I've read so far is this: somehow Christian killed his ex Gina and made it look like suicide so now he has her son Wilbur who he thought was his until Wilbur's birth revealed he was, um, not and somehow Matt slept with his half sister, but only after knocking up Kimber and becoming addicted to Meth. Well now he wants to be a doctor. Rrrright. Because the best doctors are always the former meth-heads. Christian has breast cancer and him and Liz are now friends... which I find odd but comforting.

Other than the beginning (gratuitous violence) and the end (gratuitous wheelchair sex), the middle was a little lacking. Kind of like a sandwich on really good bread with only a slice of cheese in between. However, I was reminded by EW online that this was NOT a season premiere but a season continuation so we're still dealing with last year's BS. So I will give it time.

I did miss it though, a lot. Apparently "over the top" is back in style nowadays, though. So I don't feel bad about it.

6 Days into the Year...

2009-01-06T11:43:00.001-08:00

I'm gonna go ahead and be really lame and post this (because thousands have posted it before me). Only because I was singing it for no real reason at all this morning in the shower.

While Jimmy's answer was the hilarious "I'm F'ing Ben Affleck," I still enjoy Sarah's for its simple message. Plus, hers had 100% less Cameron Diaz.

Oh yeah, and this is my week thus far:

1. I bought "Point Break" on Amazon. So I can show little Johnny Utah (Your Last Name Here, Handsome Stranger) his namesake.

2. My desk was Shanghai-ed, my cubicle usurped. All of my iTunes "smart" purchases are lost. I'm back in the horrible place I was before. I'm hoping this will give me the anger that I need to do something with my life.

3. PVille Guy: Not a Douchebag (?). Startling revelation that I'm still notsosureabout.

4. I'm really sick of reruns however I did get to watch "Gossip Girl" for the first time in awhile (skipping the OSU/UT Fiesta Bowl- no thank you, sir).

5. And sadly this is the best part of it all so far: NBC is AMAAAAAZING. Thursday night, Peter Dinklage will be a guest star on "30 Rock." Now, I admit that I should watch this show a lot more than I do but... PETER DINKLAGE. If you don't know who he is, tune in at 9:30 on Thursday. THEN: Saturday Night Live has chosen the most perfect of all the guest hosts... Dr. Horrible/Barney Stinson himself... NEIL PATRICK HARRIS. Yes, the Doogie Howswer, MD kid. Never has there been a better person to host SNL. NEVER. Tune in and you'll see why.

So, that's really all I got going for me on day 24 of no nookie. BLAH.

New Year!

2009-01-05T08:20:00.001-08:00

So, to all my friends out there in Internet land, I do wish you a new year full of new experiences and good will. Personally, I'm hoping that my 09 turns out better than my 08. I will keep this blog going as long as I have something irrelevant but funny to say and as long as you guys don't mind complete BS all the time (that was my best skill in school, being able to fill up pages of a blue essay book with nothing of importance but still managing an A or B- at the worst). I'm going to try to put up more of my favorite drink concoctions since those got quite the reaction but, as for everything else, I'm not always going to have good ideas. This whole blogging thing is quite interesting and it will be my challenge to avoid the "self-serving masturbation" quality that personal blogs tend to get. So if I ever sound self-centered, just know that I am- but I'm working on that- and I do realize that there is a big world out there, one outside of my problems where people are starving and have AIDS and Malaria and horrible things like that.

I honestly didn't really expect to get to meet the people (albeit online) that I have or get the support that I've received from something that I started as a joke. So, I know that I have a very small audience, but thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Again, I know this is bordering on the schizo side... but I'm really getting a little twitchy!!!

Best. Movie. Ever.

2009-01-05T06:38:00.001-08:00

HOTTTTT.

"This was never about the money, this was about us against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human sprit is still alive."- Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) in "Point Break."

Last night I was flipping through stations, trying to figure out what I could watch to distract myself from the fact that I really really need to get laid... and soon. I was quite disappointed with the selection: "24: Redemption" was rerunning and I had already seen it, "The Real Housewives of Orange County" was also on- and I decided I would rather bang my head against the wall then watch the insipid goings-on of spoiled 40 something women, there was sports (blah), and other stuff...

... and then I came across this gem playing on our local crap station. "Point Break" is a 1991 movie about an F!B!I! agent named Johnny Utah (I'm so naming my first born son that) played by Keanu Reeves. He goes undercover to catch a band of bankrobbers known as the "Ex- Presidents" because they wear, you guessed it, masks of the ex-presidents. Lead by free spirit Bodhi (played by a buff Patrick Swayze), they are the extreme of extreme and do anything (like rob banks) to support their crazay lifestyle. Gary Busey and John C. McGinley (Perry Cox, MD from "Scrubs") also star. AND there's this awesome scene with a lawnmower.

Needless to say.... it was magnificent.

See, the "point break" is where a wave breaks on a rocky point and is therefore somehow a metaphor for life and robbing banks, I guess.

I don't care what it means, I still cry at the end when they're on the beach... in Austrailia... and Reeves just lets him go out there. Because you have to pay the ultimate price to do that. Or something.

Check it out, it is the most awesomest movie EVER MADE. I shit you not.

Also, check out "Hot Fuzz." Which just adds to the awesomeness because it is one of Danny's (played by Nick Frost) favorite cop movies ("You ever shoot your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhhhh'?") as he explains to Nick Angel (played by the love of my life, Simon Pegg). He is referring to a key scene when Utah chases Bodhi after robbing a bank and has a clear shot at him and doesn't take it... "because he loves him SOOOO much." Of course, later in "Hot Fuzz," this scene is mimiced with hilarious results. Oh those sassy Brits.

(You should watch all of it, but if you are pressed for time then fast forward to 2:03 so you can see what I mean...)

Sorry if this post seems schizophrenic. But that's how I'm feeling going on day 23 of no sex. Like a Schizo off meds.

Resolution 2009.

2008-12-30T13:13:00.000-08:00

1. Move. To Boston. To Queens. To Compton. I don't care. I just need to get out of here.

2. Learn to play guitar. Go to college parties. Drown out other annoying person playing Mayer and Dave with obnoxious renditions of the 504 Boyz "I Can Tell You Wanna Fuck" and "Candyshop" by Fifty Cent ("Everybody all together now- I'll take you to the, what what, CANDYSHOP...")

3. Marry Bill Hader (SNL).

4. Well, first I need to get the restraining order reversed. Then I'll marry Bill Hader.

5. Also, get Jon Hamm restraining order reversed, or at least lessened to 250 yards.

6. But really folks, I want to find a nice guy. And if he does a really good Vincent Price impression, that'd be ok too.

7. Train Lucky to locate drugs, er, I mean cancer. Train Lucky to be one of those cancer sniffing dogs. He really needs to pick up a skill and get a job or I'm kicking him out. Otherwise, I'm just enabling him.

8. Be completely fabulous and make sure John knows it. Related: Not have a baby.

9. Watch "Friday Night Lights" when season 3 premieres on NBC in February. Because I was told that if I loved good TV, that I really should be watching this. Also, I need to start watching more "Chuck" and less "Gossip Girl." But... Chuck Bass... and Blair... Little J... and I have to... but I mustn't. It's not going to be easy.

10. Read a book a week. This means 52 books. I realized that my brain is Jell-O recently and that's just simply not acceptable. So I will read again.

and because everyone else does it:

11. Go to the gym. I really should. I miss my 2005 Hot Waitress Bod. Not saying I'm not hot, not saying that at all, but I used to be able to run back and forth with a heavy tray without needed to stop to catch my breath. "Wall-E" was really a wake up call for me.

Oh, and one more:

12. Get my dream job: Craft Services for Saturday Night Live. I'm coming Bill.

Remember when we partied like it was 1999?

2008-12-30T11:42:00.000-08:00

BALL... hehe

To be clear, I do not think that Seacrest's Rockin New Year's Eve is, in fact, Rockin. I think it sucks. I think it sucks every year, as I think EVERY New Year's special sucks every year. I think Seacrest is an asexual Ken doll with no man parts. AND...

I think that New Year's itself is a waste of time.

"Oh, boo hoo," says the peanut gallery. "You just don't have anyone to spend it with this year."

To that I say "Fuck off." THEN I shall explain why I hate it so much.

I have had someone for the past four years to kiss when the ball dropped. (Before that, no one was good enough). Hey guess what? None of those four years were particularly good years so that throws the "But it's good luck!" theory right out the window. The Thailand Tsunami/Katrina both still happened in 05 after kissing Jeffrey on NYE 04. I kissed John NYE 05 (2006 had me dropping out of school), NYE 06 (2007 I had a nervous breakdown and also totaled my car on the way to work one morning), and NYE 07 was the beginning of the worst -WORST- year of my 25 on this planet: wrecked another car on an icey road (injuring my back), lost my job, lost my license, was jobless and car-less for six f-ing months, FCOG, the stock market crashed, a lot of good people died including Heath Ledger, the Mumbai terrorist attacks, that fuckstick Jim Pardo slaughtered his whole family on Christmas Eve, Prop 8 was approved, Sarah Palin forced her way into our lives, I'm sure Jennifer Hudson didn't really think too much about who her hot date would be, and oh yeah, in a total declaration of my self-centered-ness, John fucked me over time and time again [read About Me section].

But I digress.

I'm not complaining that this year sucked hardcore (even though it did). I'm just saying that having someone to spend NYE with is not as important as everyone makes it out to be. Bad things happen every year no matter how hot your date is that night. Actually some of the worst fights John and I ever had were spun from NYE trivialities.

It's a completely overrated holiday that can only claim any importance because it is on a list with Day Before Thanksgiving and St. Patrick's Day as one of the biggest drinking days of the year. So, excuse me if the thought of getting plastered and nearly blacking-out through what is supposed to be a "night to remember" isn't my idea of fun. But that's just a child of a recovering alcoholic speaking. Midnight happens 365 times a year (and sometimes 366). Just because we have to spend $14.95 on a new Girls Next Door calendar on 12/31, doesn't make it any different that 3/24 or 6/12 or 8/30.

The hype was over when nothing happened at 12:00 am Year 2000. Will we survive? Will the computers destroy us all? Will I have to start dressing like Neo and live in the Matrix? Do I have a generator and enough bottled water? Will I be forced to shoot someone to protect my family from crazy looters? And then... nothing. Y2K just killed it for me.

So, I'm spending New Year's by myself if you didn't catch that.

New Year's Eve plans.

2008-12-30T10:54:00.001-08:00

Things I could be doing on Wednesday night rather than sitting at home and falling asleep at 10:38:

Hmm...

I could be watching the Jo Bros and Taylor Swifty McSwifterson on Ryan Seacrest's Hijacked Pre-Recorded Rockin New Year's Eve featuring special greeting by a half-dead Dick Clark...

Writing "Fuck 2008" in kerosene on my front lawn and then dropping a match at 12:00...

Sending out a mass email blast stating that I have all of the following STDs (followed, of course by a very detailed list and description of symptoms, pictures included) to everyone I've slept with in the past 7 years of my sexually active life with subject line, "Happy New Year, And By The Way...". Concluding with the words JUST KIDDING, BUT SERIOUSLY FOLKS- GET TESTED. THIS PSA BROUGHT TO YOU BY ME, BECAUSE I CARE...

Sitting in silence in my mother's boyfriend's living room, questioning the purpose of my life and staring at the newly installed crown molding, while the old folks play a marathon of gin rummy...

Making Thank You "for turning me into an Ice Queen who will never trust another man, ultimately taking out her repressed anger toward all men on the poor schmuck who ends up marrying her..." cards to send to the last three or four guys I've dated...

Kidnapping a little kid from the daycare next door and feed him a lot of sugar and cookies and chocolate before returning him, saying "I just found him wandering in the strip mall parking lot across the street. He was like this when I found him. I swear!"...

Going to a fancy restaurant, order really expensive champagne, a really expensive filet mignon, make them break open the 20 year old scotch, and then dash/dine (give em the ol' slip)... BUT! Leave a $100 cash tip for the waitress...- of course this will be thwarted by my inherited clumsiness (big feet + top heaviness means that I can rarely get away with anything quickly).

Teaching myself how to play "Teardrops on My Guitar" and go play outside of John's bedroom to see how much he freaks out (of course substituting John for Drew- John loooooks at meeee, I fake a smile so he wooon't seeee...)...

Having a dance party. By myself. To "Jizz in My Pants." On repeat. Wait! Mix "Jizz" with "Shake It." OK, that sounds gross (ribbed for her pleasure, ewwwww). Ok, "Jizz," "Shake It," "Womanizer," and "We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off." I don't know why but I'm really liking that song again, plus it throws off the whole "2008 was all about the sex" theme I had going...

Writing my list of goals for 2009 (see next post)...

Getting in my flannel pajamas, grab a box of tissues and some chocolate and watch "Sleepless in Seattle" as I mouth the words and hold my mother's cat hostage in my lap (it's as close to masochism that I get, people)... - actually this is more of a Valentine's Day activity

So yeah. Looking at those choices, I think I'm just gonna go ahead and take some Vicodin/I mean drink a glass of wine and go to bed.

At least they have their witty signs.

2008-12-29T10:56:00.000-08:00

I usually like to avoid commenting on topical things. I don't know enough about politics to be as smart and witty as Chez at DXM and I'm not historically astute (well in relative comparison- compared to FCOG, I'm probably brilliant) like Jason at Executed. Go to CNN if you want the news, Best Week Ever if you want to make fun of (FILL IN ANY CELEBRITY HERE) or look at Spaghetti Cats, and Dooce if you want to laugh at motherhood and homelife and all that. I only know what I know and that rarely extends past the small realm in which I live and work.

That being said, BWE.tv had a series of shots at the last Detroit Lions game of the year and I just had to share number 1.

I mean, come on LIONS. Your city is DYING. You couldn't pull it together FOR ONE GAME? Why don't you just kill all of Santa's reindeer, too? I'm not saying football miraculously heals the world (makes it a better place), but you couldn't rally at all? Really? They needed this one.

I am from Cleveland. I hate the Browns. However, they at least got their shit together this year and won SOMETHING.* Heck, they even surprised everyone by beating the Giants on Monday Night Football. That was a cold day down there in Hell, but an especially joyous Tuesday morning here in Ohio.

As I told Alanna in regards to this picture: "At least you still have sarcasm, Detroit. You'll always have that."

By the way, I am a horrible fan of any sport and make no effort to hide it. This wasn't always true, though. I was a die-hard Sox fan until they won the '04 series win and then it was like "Oh-kay, so what's next?" Really, what do you do after that? Red Sox Baseball spoiled me for the rest of sports.

Ed. Note: The Browns finished their season with a 4-12 record... and as of right now, no coach. See ya Romeo.

Christmas Pooch.

2008-12-29T08:34:00.000-08:00

I think the one who really made out this Xmas was Lucky, my lab/pit mix. On Christmas Eve, he received his stocking (yes, I know that stockings are reserved for Christmas Morning but he's a dog so I don't think he realizes that a big fat intruder is supposed to come in on Christmas Eve). He got a 'kerchief that says "Good Dog," a stretch of the imagination since he is most certainly not, the knuckle bone of some poor slaughtered cow who didn't get to see one last Christmas, pig hides, and dental bones for his somewhat "stank" breath. Also, the cat gave him dog treats. (Lucky gave him a whole bag of catnip.) He was overjoyed. I could almost hear the conversation:

LUCKY: Dude, I got you a whole bag of bud. And you reciprocate with a few lousy biscuits? Gee, thanks man.

TOMCAT: (licking his paws in indifference) And I'm supposed to care why...?

Oddly enough, it sounded a lot like conversations between my sister and me.

Missed Connection.

2008-12-29T05:43:00.001-08:00

One day Kalyn at work asked me if I ever really read the "Missed Connections" portion of Craigslist. I will continue with this story before telling you the prologue. My answer for her was "Not really, why?" And thus she turned me on to the poetic glory that is Missed Connections.

Reading better than any piece of modern literature I can think of to date, Missed Connections is the reality TV of reading. Interestingly enough, these people kind of have it right with short, to the point, honest requests.

"To the person in the purple skirt, thank you for your smile tonight." So many questions come up! Crocker Park? Borders? What brought him to Crocker Park? Christmas shopping for his wife and kids? And Borders Books specifically? Was it a coffee table book of Ansel Adams for his teenage daughter who has shown a recent interest in photography? This person, the one in the purple skirt, what did they look like? Why not the word "woman" or "girl"? Was it a transgender so he wasn't sure? Was he oddly attracted to this transgender? Their smile, why was that so important? Did it make him feel attractive again after 19 years of marriage to an Ice Queen that banishes sex to Tuesday nights for 12 minutes only, no blow jobs, and two lousy unappreciative teenagers that would rather spend their nights in front of a computer rather than with their family? Of course who would want to with all the yelling that goes on at the dinner table lately. Or was he depressed after having lost it all in the stock market crash and his AmEx platinum card had just been declined by a twenty year-old brat with hipster glasses and a pretentious smile? From two lines and a title, this story goes so many ways.

Then there's this one, another Bookstore Love Affair at Mac's Backs in Coventry (basically our tiny midwest version of Haight-Ashbury). It was a Saturday. She had a brimmed hat and overcoat, reading a graphic novel. He couldn't keep his eyes away from this beauty, not doubt smart and interesting for having picked such an unfeminine reading choice. He lurked in the stacks, waiting, watching her in his soggy brown wool trench coat and black driving cap. Outside the world was so cold and bitter in the Cleveland winter air, but in here, in this tiny bookstore, if only for a moment, she was his. If only he could talk, what would he say? She glanced up- like a deer in the meadow aware of the hunter. Something was out there amongst the shelves of dusty books. She waited a moment for the feeling to pass before returning to the colorful pictures below. She liked colors. They comforted her on these gray days when the stress of making sense of the symbols beside them hurt her imbecilic brain. He watched her laugh and flip through the pages. Who was this beautiful siren that could understand the dark, ironic humor of modern graphic fiction?

(Yes, I'm saying she's a slow person and he's an idiot.)

Of course, I am not mentioning the most important of all the missed connections ever listed on craigslist.com. Yes, it is true. I myself have posted amongst the despaired and hopeless romantics of cyberspace. To the guy with the Patrick Dempsey eyes, we met while we were both working in Mayfield...

Stop laughing. For one, it actually worked. And two, it was during a very long unemployed summer where the thoughts of the day were made up of "What cereal shall I eat today?" "Should I even bother to shower?" and the ever popular "Eh, these clothes don't smell that bad, what's another day?" So, a little excitement that was cheap and accessible was really just something to keep me from jumping off my roof. (Don't worry, said roof is like 15 feet off the ground.)

Christmas!

2008-12-23T11:02:00.000-08:00

I will be "out of the office" to celebrate the holidays with my family for the next five days. To everyone out there, have a great time and merry christmas!

Daily frustrations.

2008-12-23T08:04:00.000-08:00

While I am not shy about expressing my distaste of all things Ohio, one of the things I could always say was "At least it's not West Virginia."

Apparently, I can say that no longer. Exhibit A:

This blazer has been mysteriously "parked" in front of my house now (inexplicably) for over three weeks. I have no clue where it came from (although the Native American rally stickers plastered over the rear window lead me to assume it's one of my hippie new age landlady's friends) and really do not like the fact that every one of my friends who passes by has to bring it to my attention.

Yes, I know it's there. No, I do not know where it came from. Yes, officer, I will tell them to move it if I ever see anyone near it.

Didya go to Drug Mart across the street and just get too lazy to get back in the car? Are you still over there in the plaza- possibly eating the world's largest Won Ton noodle at Hunan? Or maybe you moved into abandoned pizza place? Other theories offered: the roads were bad and they slid off and opted just to leave it there, parking was limited at the neighboring daycare and they decided just to leave it there, they are selling it- sans for sale sign. Or, my favorite, they were finally zapped up by the Wheel in the Sky that I'm sure they pray to every night in the sweat tent on the edge of the property (no, I kid you not).

If the weather was nice, I probably wouldn't be so ornery. Let's face it though, I'm always ornery and the snow just exacerbates the situation. Worsened by the fact that my tires are balder than a waxed va-jay-jay, it is a daily challenge to keep from sliding off my own driveway into the damn thing (at a rate of 5mph).

Hot stuff.

2008-12-23T07:55:00.000-08:00

Umm, can I just say that President-Elect has a hot bod? Good. Lord. I don't care which way you vote or swing- the evidence is RIGHT THERE. The man has a six pack! This is a presidential first for America, to be sure. I know this isn't very intelligent- but blogging when you're sick is hard.... LIKE BARACK OBAMA'S BODY. (See what I did there?)

Housekeeping note.

2008-12-23T05:46:00.001-08:00

Because it's winter, I am sick once again. Don't worry, I'm working on some really "hot shit" for y'all (do I sound like the kids?). I just need the room to stop spinning first.

Stylista.

2008-12-19T11:50:00.001-08:00

So my hero, Dooce, likes to put up a piece of Daily Style every day on her website. Emmy does this too, although it's not so much Daily Style as it is Daily "Look What The Idiots Are Buying Now." As you will see, both women have very different but equally entertaining blogs. Moving along, I just thought I would share my recent find with you all. To the right-and by right I mean left- is the best purchase I have made all year, seconded only by my Old Navy empire waste pea coat that makes me look like Suri Cruise. It is a grocery bag from World Market ($4.99). While there are no pockets- literally a grocery bag people- it was the beautiful teal paisley design and the peacock print that I fell in love with. There are others in different colors with different animals, but I liked this one because my coat is lined with teal satin.

So, if I had any guys reading this before, I lost them at the title of this post. Aaaaanyway.

The great/bad thing about these "purses" is that they are, in fact, BAGS. And by bags I mean a thing in which to throw stuff. In the three days I have had this, I realized that I have accrued the following:

a random t-shirt
a copy of "The Reader" by Bernhard Schlink
a small notebook for ideas
a USB zip drive thingy
a potato
my wallet
cell phone
keys
a shoe (not two, one)
a used kleenex
empty Arabica coffee cup

Some of these make sense while others are slightly more questionable. My mom said that she can tell a lot by a person by what she has in her purse. Screw the DSM, shrinks should just use the Purse Method. Using that logic, she is definitely a schizophrenic. I am a compulsive hoarder. My grandma is an OCD Neat Freak. And my sister... well, let's just say she should be locked away in Promises.

I hope Jesus forgives me.

2008-12-19T11:00:00.000-08:00

So, I have a confession to make. It is one that haunts me every Christmas- especially because I live in Cleveland and this is considered sacrilege... what's that? I'm not a browns fan? Yes, that's true but I feel that this may be even worse. Ready?

Seriously... this is bad.

I've never....

...actually seen "A Christmas Story." Ahhhhh! I know, I know. I'm sorry. Calm down. I told you it was bad. The funny thing is I get worse reactions to that here then I probably would if I told them that I was holding key evidence in the Marilyn Shepherd murder case for all these years. Or that I really really hate the Browns. Or that I think the Rock Hall is more of an eyesore then a tourist attraction and the whole thing should be moved to New York since it costs us more money then it makes us. Or that I think the Cuyahoga River stinks to high heaven (burn on, biiig river, burn on).

No, "A Christmas Story" is sacred here. "But CJ," you ask "didn't that take place in Indiana or something?" And you'd be right. However, many key scenes (including in the department store) were filmed right here in the Cleve. Ralphie's house is actually located here in Cleveland and is now a museum for fans of the film. I think it's great that it's had such a long lasting legacy here. You don't see a "Scarface" Museum at Tony Montana's mansion in Meeey-ami do you? Or a Gump museum in Greenbow (ha, because Greenbow doesn't exist)? Or a "Titanic" museum- oh wait, nevermind. That we are part of such a film classic (considering that Hollywood hated us so much that they refused to film a movie about our own baseball team here- "Major League" was filmed mostly in Minnesota) is kind of comforting for culture vultures like myself.

That being said, I really just never have the patience to watch it. "I thought you watched that when you were little?" my mom always says. And I shake my head. Because, save for the usual "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!," I have no idea what it's all about. A kid and a gun and a lamp and Santa and a dad... I dunno.

Call me sacrilegious, call me a phony, call me a Grinch. Either way, I'm not going to make sure I catch it one of the 122,000,000+ times it will be on this week (including the 24 hour marathon on Christmas- which really pisses me off in itself). The movie is the same age that I am, which doesn't mean it's bad but really kind of puts off first time viewers.

I realize that I am now "un-datable" to the many, many (ha) men that read this.

Guess who's coming to town?!

2008-12-19T10:53:00.000-08:00

Countdown to the big guy stands at T minus 5 days.

A to Zoolander.

2008-12-18T12:53:00.001-08:00

So I was looking at Blogger's December Blogs of Note (mine is most definitely NOT on there) and found Life at Willow Manner. Ooozing with idyllic adorableness like warm melted chocolate, I enjoyed the photos, recipes, and anecdotes of family life. She's pretty crafty, you should all check 'er out. Anyway, she had a post about how her friends had challenged her to an Alphabet listing of her 26 favorite movies. You can go see it on her blog. So, naturally I had to attempt this as well (this was not planned out before hand so this list is being created as I write this... ) Pardon me for the lame choices... this isn't as easy as you think.

A: "About a Boy"

B: This should not be this hard already. I'll come back to it.

C: All right, I'm stealing this one. "Cinema Paradiso" is good and my brain is fried.

D: "Dances With Wolves" "Dirty Dancing" "The Departed"

Back to B: Ok, I'm an IDIOT. "Back to the Future." Sometimes I wonder about myself.

E: Skip.

F: "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

G: "Ghostbusters"

H: "Hot Fuzz"

Again, another B: I'm really dumb. Hello- "Braveheart"?!

I: "I Know What You Did Last Summer"

J: "Jumanji" Shut up... do you have something better?

K: "Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2"

L: "Lord of the Rings" SCORE.

M: This is for Jason at Executedtoday.com- "The Molly Maguires" Look it up, Internet.

N: "No Country For Old Men"

O: "O Brother, Where Art Thou" Coen double feat- Heyyo!

P: "Persepolis"

Q: I got nothing.

R: "The Royal Tenenbaums" or "Resevoir Dogs" and god dammit, another B "Boondock Saints, The"

S: "Shaun of the Dead"

T: "Tropic Thunder" which reminds me, don't ask me why, of a C that I've seen way more times then a pretentious pick like "Cinema Paradiso"... Ready for it... "CADDYSHACK!" (Cue Kenny Loggins and a dancing gopher... I'm aallll riiiiight, don't nobody worry 'bout me. Yep, I'm that immature.)

Figured out a Q: "Quill"! Not your "feel good movie of the year" but if you want to know about the origins of S&M, I'd check it out (Hey now, it's a classy movie- Geoffrey Rush, Kate Winslet, and Joaquin Phoenix star).

U: I'll come back for u. Ha, You- U? Ya get it? U and a You? I told you I'm burnt out.

V: "V for Vendetta"- I'm really sorry Alan Moore, but I thought it was jolly good fun. And therein lies the problem and I totally understand.

W: "What Lies Beneath"- this is courtesy of my coworker Kalyn. We both agree: Harrison Ford is a creep in that movie. I would have gone with "Wayne's World" now that I'm thinking clearer.

X: "X-Men 2." Bet ya' thought I'd say "X-Men." You bet wrong. "X-Men 2": WAAAAY COOLER.

Y: "Young Frankenstein" and for fuck's sake, another B with "Blazin Saddles."

Z: Easy. I knew this before I started: "Zoolander."

Ok, who did I miss? E: "E.T." and U: Ok, I cheated and got a list. "Untouchables," "Unforgiven," and probably the best of overrated movies: "The Usual Suspects."

So, I had to cheat. I'm not an infallible super-genius when it comes to pop culture nor did I ever claim to be.

Just a quickie.

2008-12-18T07:00:00.000-08:00

Very quickly, had to share this with you...

(Useful information: In a conversation yesterday, Alanna told me about how her coworkers have adopted "doing puzzles" as a euphemism for sex. Then the following was said.)

Me: Haha. I need to puzzle someone. Hey that actually works!

Alanna: NO YOU DON'T.

Me: no i don't.

Alanna: You keep your pieces to yourself.

I swear if you add canned laughter after everything we said, we could easily be a bad early nineties sitcom (think "Living Single" with less-and by less I mean none- empowered black women of the nineties).

Cannot wait for 01/20/09. Paaaaartaaaay!

2008-12-18T06:12:00.000-08:00

I don't mean to cop out and make this post totally devoid of any value you couldn't find on another and waaaay more popular blog. But I saw these pics this morning, I just had to include them on what is rapidly becoming a Culture According to Carly Scrapbook. It's President-Elect when he was young and possibly childish (but most likely not, because he's always been perfect. You hear that Fox News? ALWAYS.).

Here, he is saying "Hmm, what will I be doing in the future? I could do a jazz album or I could fix the world. Or I could do a jazz album WHILE fixing the world. Yeah, I'll do that."

Here, he is giving his best bedroom eyes. "What's up, girl, I'm Barack Obama. I'm going to run for president against John McCain in 2008 and kick some ass while doing it. Yeah, THAT John McCain. The white dude. Now come ovah here baby and let me show you my Lincoln Bedroom..."

"If I lean against this wall with my hat tilted like this I can look mysterious yet approachable at the same time. I am Obama, I don't even need to speak to get the ladies. What up."

I kind of like this look for him. Very sexy.

Why do I have a feeling that he's just going to be the COOLEST guy to ever sit in the Oval Office? I've got chills. :)

Dear Pete Wentz...

2008-12-17T11:40:00.000-08:00

Gross.

Dear Pete Wentz,

You confuse me. So much so that I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts into a cohesive letter, so bare with me please.

When I first saw you, you were playing mediocre (yes, MEDIOCRE) emo music with your band, Fall Out Boy. Being a Killers fan as well as completely against emo, quite natch' I had to pick a side. It was not yours. Then it seemed like there was a bunch of OMG moments like your penis being all over the internet or that you were kissing boys. While I'm sure many 13 year old girls thought this was so so so scandalous, to the rest of the world (who probably couldn't name three of your songs) it looked like a kid acting out- that is, if anyone else besides 13 year old girls were actually paying attention. Then you hosted some queer show on MTV on Friday nights. Last time I checked, most people did not stay home on Fridays to watch any TV much less an obvious 2 hour long commercial for already over-exposed artists.

We had our fun, though. Like that one song, "I'm going down down in a merry go round and sugar I'm going down swinging..."? That was fun. I don't remember what it was called, nor do I remember any of the words besides that one line. Or the "Arms Race" song. It had a good beat or something that kept my attention the solid two weeks in 07 I thought that song was totally hot (like Paris Hilton hot). However, like all emo bands before and all emo bands after, I had to grow out of you.

By the way, I never, ever, ever thought you were hot.

And now, well... now this. I have to hear on not one, two, or three, but FOUR celebrity blogs that you like sticking your little Fall Out Boy in the dark place. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. I'm not so sure Joe Simpson really wanted to turn on his Sirius radio to Stern this morning and hear all about how his little girl is getting bent over and... well... you know. I really don't care where you stick it. I just don't want to hear about it. Hell, I don't even want to hear about my friends doing that!

Why are you so adamant about your family's privacy when it comes to photographers taking pictures of you? I understand that it's a little different then blasting the gory deets about your love life all over the airwaves and that little Bronx Mowgli Kahn Baloo Bagheera Simpson-Wentz is an innocent bystander in all of this (and really, I do feel bad for the kid in more ways then you could ever know). I get it. I just don't think that disappointing album sales or lack of interest in your kid's picks (yes, we all know no one wants them despite whatever excuse you might have), really warrants subjecting the whole world to hearing about your kinky sex adventures with your wife. Or that she wears thongs for lap dances (*shudder* that will haunt my dreams forever).

Also please tell your sister-in-law to just stop trying so hard already. We get it. She's a country girl.

Good luck with fatherhood and all that.

Sincerely,

Where are you Christmas?

2008-12-17T07:07:00.000-08:00

With the commercial blur that Christmas has become, all of my inspiration is usually tapped out around this year anyway. This year is worse though. It's really hard to get into the Christmas spirit when everyday on the news we have to hear about more layoffs, Detroit's decline, and more bad news for the Rust Belt cities (Cleveland included). Yesterday I went to buy a gift for someone at one of the store chains (Circuit City, Linens n' Things, KB Toys) that will be closing at the end of the year. While it was a good deal, I have to say it was kind of sad to see empty shelves and inventory in disarray, picked apart by bargain hunters. The lady who checked me out at the counter seemed cheerful, and I wondered if she was only hired on as extra seasonal help to deal with the heavy traffic.

Seems like lately, everyone's smile is a little forced here despite the holidays. Even my mother's hours working at the local state park have been cut and she's been forced to take back almost all of the presents she bought. "It's no big deal, mom," I told her as tears filled her eyes when she learned of the cutback. "I don't need so many things." It was like her spirit had broken right in front of me.

Last night, however, all this malaise about Christmas didn't stop my mom from decorating our tiny tree with brightly colored antique tin ornaments and sparkly snowflakes, opting out of our usual traditional Swedish tree with straw and red ornaments. She hummed and sang along to one of her favorite movies, "Mary Poppins," as I played with my puppy on the floor and for a few minutes, I felt like a kid again.

I'm going to make cookies tonight and hopefully the aroma of little mounds of diet-busting goodness will get me out of this funk.

TAG.

2008-12-16T07:23:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I was tagged by Overdue. Seeing that I really don't have anything else to talk about today, I'll play along. I'm supposed to list six things that make me happy and then tag six other blogs. I don't even know if that many people read this. So here goes on the first half:

1. Don Draper makes me happy. Not Jon Hamm (although I wouldn't kick him out of bed either), but 1962 Don Draper. Does it creep me out he would be older than my grandfather right now? Not really. So I guess I should start working on that fictional time machine to take me back to the fake 1960s.

2. "Jizz in My Pants" by SNL Digital Short (Andy Samberg and Jorma Taccone[?]). It's better than anything the Timberlake/land collab has done in the last 6 months (although they both make cameos- Justin as a janitor and Timba contributes back up). You will not stop singing it. Ever. Even at dinner with your grandparents.

3. My grandpa's jokes. Example: Old man gets on plane. A beautiful woman sits next to him. As the plan gets ready for take off, he smiles at her. She hesitantly smiles back. I was hoping we could have a conversation on this flight? he says to her.
About what? She asks.
I don't know. Nuclear physics? He says.
Ok. Well, let me ask you something, She says.
Ok.
You know how when deer poop it comes out in big piles?
Yes, the old man says.
Or when bunnies poop it comes out in little pellets?
Yes, the old man says, nodding his head.
Or when horses and cows poop it comes out in round clumps?
Yes, he says and wonders where this is going.
Well if they all eat grass, she says, why does it all come out looking so different?
Well I don't know, ma'am, he says. I really don't!
Ok, she says, well how do you expect to talk about nuclear physics when you don't know shit?

Hardy har har. He tells them better than I can type them.

4. Staying in bed when it's snowing. Extra points if you have a DVD player, lots of movies, and someone to keep you warm that isn't a black lab who seems to think the entire bed area is his.

5. The Fist Pump Mix. Someday I will write more about this wonderful CD, but a quick overview: my friend TJ from Miami of Ohio made me and Alanna a mixed CD of really cool music because he didn't really approve of the music we listened to. Because of this CD, I know who Ike Reilly is, I know who People Under the Stairs are, I know who Latryx is ("Lady Don't Tek No" is a hip hop CLASSIC), I know G'Love and the Special Sauce, I know the Donnas, and I know Cody Chestnutt (TJ once told me that "Looks Good In Leather" was MY song... so I kind of forever am in love with it). I will write one day about how every time that I hear it, it makes me infinitely happy. I will get the whole list and put it up here so you can see for your self how awesome it is.

6. Trivial Pursuit, Jeopardy, any trivia game show. Again an experience I will write about on a later date, but Trivial Pursuit is the only level playing ground for me and my dad. It ends up with pieces thrown across the room, boards tipped over, and in one case, a punch in the nose. Jeopardy is like exercise for me (oooh, running on the treadmill WHILE watching Jeopardy is the best workout ever) that trains me for the yearly TP game with dear ol' Dad. Also, trivia games at the bars- because flattening your friends with your extensive knowledge of French history AND Tom Cruise movies is just so satisfying.

and for a lucky 7: TV and Food combinations. For example:
"The Princess Bride" and chocolate lava cake. "How I Met Your Mother" and a cheeseburger. "Lost" and sushi/anything with avocados. "Lord of the Rings" trilogy and lots of beer (it's like nine hours long, so I really mean LOTS of beer) and hearty German food (pretzels, sausage, etc). "Mad Men" and a nice filet mignon with a rich cabernet. I don't know why these things go so well with each other, they just do.

As for tags, I tag my number one fan izzie_tisha, huffmania, oh the places i will eat, and whoever else has ever commented on this blog. Tag, you're it.

Monday musings.

2008-12-15T12:51:00.000-08:00

Keeping this short, but this is what my day has consisted of.

..."Should I get Arabica (coffee house here)? No. Should I? No I'm not."
BEEEEEEEEEEEEEP (from car behind me as I make up my mind)
"Yeah, I'm not getting Arabica."

...Come into work. The girl who "took"* my promotion comes in...

(shoulda seen that one coming)

...Try to restrain myself while making reservations for my boss to not fill out form as "Ms. Chanandler Bong." Laugh to myself at him being addressed as such.

...Exchange angry emails with former coworker who seems to not know how to read.

...Go to BWE.tv for some quick relief only to see clip of Spencer and Heidi: The Day After.

...Wonder why, if Heidi is so damn happy, does she keep mentioning how drunk she was/hungover she now is/probably wouldn't of dun it if she wasn't so damn drunk?

...Take a moment to contemplate whether or not I would still do Tom Cruise. Answer: YES.

...Text my former hot fling/sales rep from previous employment to razz him about new job (because it was my job before him).

...Look at executedtoday.com and deusexmalcontent.com. Learn about decimation and a Facebook movie respectively. For some reason, the concept of decimation makes more sense.

...Look at diamonds to buy for myself to show off how much of an Independent Woman (throw ya handsup at maaaee) I am.

...Realize maybe I should buy presents for my family members before purchasing said diamonds.

...Realize maybe before that I should pay some bills so I don't end up out on my ass during a recession before I go into debt buying presents.

...Realize maybe I should stop blogging before I don't have job to pay said bills.

...Realize, "Oh yeah, no one gives a shit what I do here. That's why I didn't get promoted."

...Laugh to myself about what/who I may or may not have done on the couch in the conference room last week.

...George Bush got a shoe thrown at him. HA. I love Iraqis. Sorry we F'ed up your country. Really, though, I am so sorry.

..."Should I go tanning? No. Maybe. Should I go? I'm not gonna go."
Cut to sitting in the middle of intersection deciding which way to turn. BEEEEEEP.
"Maybe I'll go tanning."

So pretty much that and an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" with some tekka maki or something to eat, and that is my Miserable Monday.

*she's nice so this isn't an FCOG the Sequel thing or anything like that... she's actually almost cooler than I am.

Open letter to Lindsay Lohan.

2008-12-12T10:15:00.001-08:00

Lindsay Lohan

123 Train Wreck Lane

Lindseyville, Planet Lindsey 01562

RE: You

Dear Miss Lohan:

I would like start off by saying that I really liked "Mean Girls." I thought it was an accurate and humorous portrayal of high school girls. Whether it is more you or more Tina Fey's wit and general awesomeness that made the movie so successful, we will never know (but really, it was probably in all likelihood Tina Fey). I even wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt with "Georgia Rules," which while kind of disturbing and a little wretched, was an OK movie. I even ignored the whole party girl thing, possession of coke thing, chasing your assistant and her mom in a car you hijacked thing. Or the you're getting on Stevie Nicks's last nerve thing. Even the bi thing. Cool, you like muff diving- more power to ya (although I'm still not convinced that you're the one doing the actual diving).

What I will not, WILL NOT, stand for is your new legging line, "6126." I think leggings are cute and slimming. This is not about the leggings trend. This is about YOUR leggings. Are they made of gold? Will they turn me into Adriana Lima (who I've never actually seen wear leggings, but then if I had her legs, I probably wouldn't want to either) or maybe the Klum? Do they prevent cancer? Can they solve the economic crisis? Yeah, the economic crisis- ever hear of that? It's the reason that NO ONE will be purchasing your $133 pair of leggings.* Hey, if there's a woman out there who really wants to bring back the "JERSEY GIRL" look, that's great- but rest assured that woman will not pay $77 for the pair of leggings pictured above.

I understand that you idolize Marilyn Monroe and that "6126" is your tribute to her (because it's her birthday). Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 who embraced her curves and used them to her advantage, achieving iconic levels of sexuality. Take a hint, Linds. Scrawny, coked out pseudo-lesbian this woman wasn't.

So, coming from someone with more than enough daddy issues of her own, stop trying to piss your father off by dating a girl, take some time off, maybe go to India or Cambodia (like Angelina) and do some soul searching. Then come back in a couple of years with an Oscar-caliber performance in something worth watching. And maybe your old figure- you were way hotter with the tits/ass, girl.

Peace,

PS: Your red hair was beautiful. Any chance of that coming back?

*And yes, I realize that "fashionistas" everywhere are lining up for these but when I say no one, I mean no one whose parents don't already pay their credit card bill.

I like dudes with scars, part two.

2008-12-12T08:43:00.001-08:00

I guess there's a theme going today. Because I just remembered this from HIMYM on Monday:

"If a guy's got a scar he's got a Robin, and if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants."- Robin, in probably one of the best episodes of the season ("The Fight") explaining that because she's from Canada, tough guys get her attention. There were many more like this, but you have to watch the episode to get the context of them and fully appreciate.

However, sadly, I have to agree with her. Except maybe the teeth part.

I like dudes with scars.

2008-12-12T07:38:00.000-08:00

HOT

So, last night I went over a friends house (because she had just bought a HiDef ginormous flat screen telly with a Blu-Ray player-thing) to watch movies. I have to say, there is a difference with HiDef and Blu-Ray. As in the experience that I was about to have... let's just say, it would not have worked on a nineteen inch tv (like the one my broke ass has).

"The Dark Knight."

I mean, for those who have seen it, need I say more? I regret not getting off my ass and going to see this in the theaters. This movie was all I wanted it to be and more. There's a feeling that football fans get when there's a great sack or baseball fans when there's a brawl or hockey fans when that first punch is thrown out, or Nascar fans when someone hits the wall or spins out... it's a little twisted, but it's that getting "dirty" aspect that we all just love the comes from our gut and gives us such a great sense of satisfaction.

"The Dark Knight" was two and a half hours of that feeling. For me, anyway.

As you all know by now, Heath Ledger (the Joker) died shortly after making this. I do believe that it's an incredible performance and that he would have gone on to do more amazing things. I do believe that he totally made us say "Jack who?" when it came to others who have played the role before him. I think it's amazing that he is nominated for a Globe and quite possible a post-humus Oscar. I hope he wins. He was the first Batman villain I was actually afraid of.*

But, he wasn't my favorite.

My favorite, as has always been my favorite in the cartoons, the two "graphic novels" I have read, and Joel Schumacher's "Batman Forever," is Harvey Dent. Two-Face. I don't know why he's my favorite, maybe because he flips a coin and he is a physical manifestation of the duplicity of man or something from some film student's thesis, maybe because his story is so sad (no matter which version it is). In the modern films, three actors have played him. Billy Dee Williams (betcha forgot about that one) in "Batman," Tommy Lee Jones in "Batman Forever," and now in Christopher Nolan's version, he is played by new love of my life Aaron Eckhart.

And I have to say, if not for Ledger's death, I think Eckhart would have garnered more attention for the role. He plays something rare for the first half of the movie: a real good guy who is incorruptible. He's a Captain America and, not to spoil too much, he's the guy that Bruce Wayne himself believes is the rightful successor to save/protect Gotham.** And then some shit goes down.

This would be the part of the movie where I just couldn't contain myself anymore and let out a Turret's type of "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!!! OH HOLY SHIT." From there, things just happen. If you haven't seen the movie, let's just say picture above turns to picture below. It's kind of tough to watch, both visually (cause it's a little gross) and emotionally.

NOT SO HOT.

Some critics have complained the movie ran a little to long. I say to them, "Suck it." There was a moment or two in the last act that I thought, Ok, this is a little long, but that was because I just drank two Pepsis and had to pee really bad. As the bat signal was smashed and the credits rolled, I tried to think what I would have cut as an editor. And the answer: Not a damn thing. For two and half hours, I didn't think about my drama or my problems. I was completely captivated. So, thanks Christopher Nolan (and a dream cast of Bale, Eckhart, Gylenhaal, Freeman, Cain, Ledger, Luis from "Suddenly Susan," William Fichtner, and for Godssake ERIC ROBERTS). Ya dun good.

*Technically that's not true, because to a 9 year old- the Penguin in Tim Burton's "Batman Returns" was pretty terrifying (he ate RAW FISH). I'm just saying, as an adult in a post-9/11 world and watching all these movies again now, Ledger's Joker is sobering and gritty.

**By the way, I would never ever ever want to live in this city. For sixty-plus years they've had some frickin psychos running around! And, the mob seems to bit too prevalent.

Lost.

2008-12-09T12:58:00.000-08:00

Ever hear a song at the exact right moment? I heard this one this morning as I was driving in the rain to work. They are amazing and I will never forget the first time I heard "Yellow." I've loved them since I was in high school. Only U2 do I love more.

This is a total fan-girl post, I apologize. Next thing you know, I'll be posting about how I like "Twilight." But, really, that will NEVER happen. I promise.

The musical.

2008-12-09T10:33:00.000-08:00

As my coworker Mar would say, I love drama. So I thought, what would "And I Stole Your Hat, Too" look like as a successful Broadway musical drama? And the result was a combination of my fascination with musical theater and my pathetically annoying problems:

AND I STOLE YOUR HAT, TOO:

A Childish Musical Drama*

Starring

"Heroine"

John

"Prince Asshat"

FCOG (not an FCOG, but really, FCOG)

"Princess Twat"

PVille Guy

"Sir Douchebag"

and

Alanna

"the Best Friend"

(*Actually, it may be more a long the lines of a Shakespearean Comedy now that I think about it, but funny in the way that "Merchant of Venice" was funny... like kind of not funny but it's considered a comedy because no one actually dies.)

Act I opens with a colorful and happy piece called "Don't Ever Talk to My Boyfriend Again" sung by Princess Twat while she is at a Halloween party. Followed by a jazzy upbeat dance number with the Heroine singing "Tell Your Fucking Whore of A Girlfriend that She Should Watch Her Baby Instead of Worrying about Me" to Prince Asshat as she secretly steals his hat. (Of course, this will be choreographed by Twila Tharp. Kicklines and tap dancing and leaping across the stage. It will be amazing.) Prince Asshat responds with "Don't Ever Talk to Me Again, You Stupid Bitch." Then Sir Douchebag comes into the picture and sings a song about, oh I don't know, being a complete tool ("The Toolman"). End scene.

Intermission.

Overture.

Act II begins with a song by Prince Asshat singing a lovely ballad called "I Love Her but You Mean So Much To Me Still" but that will turn into "Wait, No, I'm Confused and I Changed My Mind Again" and then a reprise of "Don't Ever Talk to Me Again, You Stupid Bitch." Followed by the Heroine singing the title song, "And I Stole Your Hat, Too" as she creates a blog. "I shall post things about you, dear Prince, and your immaturity, and that stupid Princess Twat and her insecurity!" Followed by a dance number in the middle. "And you, Sir Douchebag, will get a post too so don't, please don't, threaten to sue!" But he does. And there's a big crazy scene where he yells at her (singing "Young, Dumb, And Full of..."-you knew that was coming- and tells her that she's taking advantage of their "friendship" and she cries. End scene.

Intermission

Overture

Final Act. Opens with the Best Friend singing a song called "You're An Idiot, We're Going to Boston" to the Heroine and she realizes that all these people are morons. "You're right! My God, you're right! I don't know how I lost my siiiiiiiight!" the Heroine sings. As Prince Asshat and Princess Twat come on to the stage she shakes his hand and hugs her and sings "I'm Over It." "You can have him, you can have him, he's not that great anyway. He's bad at sex, he's really stupid, and there's never an intelligent thing he'll say." Sir Douchebag comes in singing the reprise of "Young, Dumb, And Full of..." and she continues to sing "I'm Over It," ending with a big flip of the bird. And then her and the Best Friend dance off to Boston in "I'm So Glad That You Losers Live in Ohio (See Ya)" with the chorus line. Fade to black (yeah, I know that's a screenwriter's, not a playwright's, term).

Curtain.

It's lame but I'm tired and loopy and bored. I know, I'm reaching on this one. Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Nothing lasts forever...

2008-12-09T07:05:00.000-08:00

"... even cold December rain." (Yeah, yeah, I'm taking liberties on the one GNR song that I actually, honestly, truly love with all my heart).

The news called it a "Panhandle Hook." I guess that means when you get lots of rain up from the Panhandle, although which panhandle they are talking about I'm not so sure (Oklahoma, Florida... are there any others?). However, it is raining today and the white snow is melting away to expose a little green, lots of mud, and the smelly presents Lucky the Gimpy Lab has left for me to pick up around the yard. This morning, I couldn't find the cat and left for work a little worried. It seems like every time it gets a little warmer (and this is unusual for Ohio in December, albeit not unusual in its unusualness) he gives me the finger and runs away, leading to horrible visions of his furry mangled corpse on the side of Route 306.

On top of all this, there is an odd goo exuding from my right ear today.

It was just one of those mornings that it was oddly warm and staying in bed was just not comfortable anymore... this rarely happens to me. Lucky was already anxious to get up and get going (because he has such a busy day ahead of him licking his crotch). So with a "ho hum" I got up and checked the roads outside and headed downstairs to begin another day in grayness.

Last night, I thought about a lot of things. I've finally worn myself out worrying about what John's doing or what the hell went wrong with PVille guy. There is quiet in my head. That wrenching feeling is no longer in control of my gut and heart. Now is the time for me, was the conclusion I came to. I want that apartment in Boston. I want that job, whatever it may be. I want the life I've wanted since I was ten and the only way of getting that is saying, ahem, "FUCK OFF" to those who stand in my way by way of distraction or lessening my worth.

It may be cloudy outside, but my thoughts have never been clearer.

Side note: at this moment, I am on hold with a client and the hold music is a lovely muzak version of "Fools Rush In" which is one of my favorite Elvis Presley songs.

Bug.

2008-12-08T09:08:00.001-08:00

On the first day I started working here, I found this guy hanging out. I thought maybe as the weather changed, he would move it along. However, here we are 3 months later and he's stil l residing in my cubicle. He has unofficially become my pet although what he has survived on for sustenance for this long is beyond me. Not like this office is an embarrassment of riches when it comes to bug food. We have two plants and both are half dead. I don't know what to name him... I'm not even sure what species he is. If anyone has insight to this, please let me know.

"You're over me? When were you 'under' me?"

2008-12-08T07:14:00.000-08:00

If someone was to try and follow the threads that Alanna and I have going on Gmail, they would wonder why our parents haven't considered institutionalizing us. Here, Alanna sums up my current situation with John:

"Is it wrong that the first thing that pops into my head every time you bring up John is that you two are so Ross and Rachel? Except in this relationship, you're the one that knows the difference between "you're" and "your". This move will be great for you - a little distance will heal your heart, and you can be as fabulous as you were meant to be, until the day that John grows up (a lot) and makes you not want to move to France. Or something."

She is also the same person that told me he and I were soulmates, so I kind of believe her. Not that I want him back right now... but it's all about looking at the bigger picture.

Drunk History.

2008-12-08T05:28:00.001-08:00

Not feeling very well today... here's something to tide you over until I do.

See more Michael Cera videos at Funny or Die

By the way, just because I'm not feeling well and I posted something about being wasted should not lead you to assume that I am hungover. I just haven't felt well all weekend- and no alcohol was involved.

This guy, however, will be hungover tomorrow.

You gotta fight. For your right.

2008-12-04T08:00:00.000-08:00

The following is a list of proposed parties for the new apartment (which is really funny considering it doesn't actually exist yet):

1. "Mad Men" party. Boys in suits, girls in fifties office wear- ie: tight sweaters and skirts. The invitation will read "Sterling Cooper invites you to its annual staff party." Much scotch will be imbibed. Lots of smoking. Maybe some sex in a supply closet.

2. Nineties party. Lets face it. To kids born in the eighties, the nineties are OUR eighties. Dress as Cobain, Cher Horowitz, in swing dance clothing, or Latin clothing, or like a supermodel, or a raver or really anything because the 90s was pretty much a smorgasboard of excess and schizophrenic music. "Empire Records" and "Reality Bites" (which are really the best quintessential 90s culture movies EVER) will play in background.

3. 80s Hip Hop party. See below.

4. 80s Movie party. Dress as Marty McFly (with the life preserver vest) or Baby Houseman or Robocop (I guess). Or you could go with Ferris Bueller, Cameron Fry, and Sloan Peterman but I am not sure where you'd find a hot white leather jacket in this day and age.

5. Royal Tenenbaums party. The characters have such classic costumes, I say "Why the hell not?" Richie, Eli, Margot, Royal, Chaz, Ari, Uzi, Pagoda... Buckley... get creative. Points for being able to take "family style" portraits of the guests.

Why I can't think of any other ones, I'm not sure, because we've been throwing them around. This, of course, is contingent on the idea we actually GET an apartment. And friends.

I heart Pegg.

2008-12-04T07:14:00.000-08:00

By the way, I'm not crazy making shit up about Simon Pegg and Nick Frost being British b-boys. This just proves it. And makes my heart ache knowing that he is married... (because I totally had a chance in Carly-world). Cannot wait for "Star Trek" movie... that just affirms that I am a nerd in hot girl's clothing.

50!

2008-12-04T06:10:00.000-08:00

FUTURE PARTY GUESTS...

Well, I'm going to NOT post something to celebrate that this little hobby has kept my attention for a full month and fifty posts. Instead, I would like to share with you my weird experience this morning.

So all day yesterday I was singing "Criminal" by Fiona Apple. While it is a pretty popular song, it's from 1998 or something around there and usually doesn't play a lot out here on Ohio radio. We have a couple of "alternative" stations, one of them is 92.3. Unfortunately, it had been playing Rover's Morning Glory, a shock jock testosterone-fueled morning show that previous boyfriends had made me listen to until my head was about to explode. Well that got cancelled, which is AWESOME. And now 92.3, starting this week, has done away with any and all DJs and now just plays on random to save money (it was on the news last night). Poor DJs, but good for me!

So what is the first song I hear when I turn the radio on this morning? "Criminal"! Coincidence you say? How about the fact that before "Criminal" was stuck in my head... I was singing "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys yesterday. Guess what the next song was? Yep. No. Sleep. Till BRROOKLYNNNN!

So you're probably all, "Who gives a fuck?" And really, no one does. I just thought it was oddly coincidental that I predicted the first two songs to play this morning without even realizing it on a station that only JUST started playing music in the morning again. It wasn't like a top 40 station. That's easy: it'll be a Rhianna song or it'll be a song with T-Payne in the background on his decoder. These were random songs from 10+ years ago.

I'm psychic.

So when I remembered my dreams from last night... I knew good things would be ahead. For example, I had a dream that I was dating the older plastic surgeon whose name I can never remember on "House." Not Olivia Wilde, not Omar Epps, not Kal Penn, not Hugh Laurie, no Sean Patrick Leonard (although Wilson is fiiiine)... the other guy. Reaffirming my theory that I love middle-aged men (by the way, I have a sudden reinterest in "House" after not watching for 2 years).

Then I had to get up to let my dog out at 1am.

Then I went back to sleep and had a dream I was at an 80s hip hop party and Simon Pegg (who I am so in love with that it's crossing over into delirious fantasy) was spinning on the turntable while Nick Frost did some awesome b-boy moves on a piece of cardboard.

Naturally I came to the conclusion that upon moving to Boston, I will date a plastic surgeon and have awesome hip hop parties at the new apartment where British actors come and entertain me.

Addict.

2008-12-02T06:50:00.000-08:00

Dictionary.com defines addiction as:

"the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma."

I bring this up only because I think I'm addicted to texting (a realization made after reading through some previous posts). Which is totally not my fault. At my last job, that's how I communicated with my coworkers all the time. It was like hanging out with the bad kids that said "just try it, all the cool kids do it." And before I knew it, it was too late for me. Thank God for unlimited plans. Then I thought, geez, what else am I addicted to?

I came up with a list.

1. Blogs. I cannot complete my day if I haven't read Perez, Chez, Dooce, or ExecutedToday.com. I need my daily fix of death, celebrity, mockery, and babies/cute dogs. I get itchy and cranky if I don't.

2. CNN. I watch the Situation Room when I get home from work. I have to. Otherwise, I feel like I have no idea what's going on.

3. Keith Olbermann. Not so much as an addiction as an infatuation.

4. The History Channel. This is one of those things where I don't need it every day, but if I start watching it, five hours of my life will go by before I realize I need to pull myself together and get off the couch. It's kind of like binge drinking.

5. Shopping online. If I could live inside the four walls of my house and never go outside it would be fine as long as I had a laptop and a fast internet connection. Amazon.com is my downfall. I love the smell of new books (see 6).

6. New books. Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com and Target. If I walk past a new book with a cool cover... I will pick it up, smell it, flip through it, feel the pages under my finger.

7. According to my family, arguing. I have to be right and I will yell until I am blue in the face. I guess this would be the unhealthy part of addiction.

8. Shoes. Because every girl is. It's in our genes.

9. Sweettarts. Don't even get me started.

10. "Your Love" by the Outfield, any Huey Lewis song, Eddie Money songs, basically any kind of music you would hear in a sports bar. I thought I would get sick of "Your Love" but it has this power that every time I hear it, I need to hear it five more times. It's just too good to be that short. And while this cessation does not cause severe trauma to me, it does to the people around me.

So, I'm off to rehab now. Hopefully this post makes you less annoyed with the previous one. :)

Family Ties.

2008-12-02T06:00:00.001-08:00

I know, I know, I'm super bad for not posting anything on Monday like I promised. I feel bad but I promise you I was busy at work yesterday. Not to mention, I just didn't feel like writing and getting myself all worked up again.

Holidays are for realizing you really only need two days a year to see your family, maybe three: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and maybe Easter (this depends on how big of a dinner you have that day or if you still get Easter baskets from your mom- I do). This had never been more apparent to me then on this past Thursday. It actually started the Monday before with my evil sister's arrival.

Have you ever seen "Mean Girls"? My sister is the character of Regina George realized. To put it nicely, she's the Queen Bee. She was in high school and she was when we were at college together and she still manages to monopolize the small group that makes up my family. I love her because I'm obligated to. I don't like her.

When we were at Kent together, she managed to con me into writing her papers. I also lent her money. I also bought her alcohol (she is two and a half years younger than me). In high school, I watched her date guys I had crushes on that were my age. And through all of this, I was always made to feel like I owed her something.

Cut to this TG. I had lent her money that was wired transfered at an interest rate of $20 via Western Union. I spent an hour on the phone at work to make sure she got her money. She assured me that the day after Thanksgiving, we would go shopping and she would pay me back. Well, instead she bought the turkey and Thanksgiving dinner with the money. She cooked and set up my grandmother's whole house. So when I asked for the money she owed me, I was told by my grandparents and mother to "stop being so ungrateful" and "pitch in around the house." Later, when I asked for the money and an apology, she rolled her eyes and told me I was being immature.

I shook my head and just let her be the Queen Bee, convinced I would still receive the money owed to me. I didn't want to ruin my grandparents' holiday so I kept my mouth shut.

On Friday, she made me aware that she would NOT be shopping with me, as was our tradition, because she'd rather be with her boyfriend. "Maybe if you thought about anyone but yourself, you would understand." And like an idiot, I brushed it off and went on to buy her and my mother several Christmas presents.

Then, Saturday morning, I asked my mom when sis would be stopping by to repay me. "Your sister left for Charlotte again this morning. She said she isn't repaying you because you owe her money I guess."

Folks, to say I was mad was an understatement. Again, I texted ad nauseum from the "You burned a bridge, don't ask me for any favors ever again" to "You're a manipulative snot" to "Your problems are not my problems, please don't call me with them ever." This time, I really don't even feel bad for it either.

My whole entire life (and I don't mean to sound like a bitter older sister, because I'm really not) it's been all about what she does. Parents do pick favorites, and she's it. I accepted that a long time ago. What I will not accept is letting her use that to her advantage.

The presents have gone back. I think $120 is a fair enough Xmas gift.

Happy Thanksgiving!

2008-11-27T14:59:00.000-08:00

On my way to my grandparents' house today, I started to get a little emotional and yes... I cried. Everything- PVille Guy, John, etc.- just hit me all at once. I am alone, I thought. Alone during the holiday season. And then I turned on Cleveland's 92.3 and this little gem came on. And Adam Sandler once again saved the day. I smiled, laughed a little, and said out loud (alone in my car), "Life is not that bad. I am not in India and I am going to see a family that loves me." So, I will be spending the rest of the evening (post-dinner) watching "Billy Madison," "Happy Gilmore," and of course, "Mr. Deeds."

"Fifty First Dates" ain't that bad either. But that one tends to make me cry... go figure.

Happy Turkey Day!! Peace on Earth! I will be back on Monday.

Apply yourself.

2008-11-26T07:16:00.001-08:00

In an effort to screen out any possible psychos, arsonists, racists, people from Eastlake, OH, or self-mutilators, I created this easy to follow application for my next potential suitor.

NAME: ___________

ANY OTHER ALIASES (please stop here if this includes "T-Bone," "Biggie," "Jhonny Knots," "Goose," "Maverick," or "Iceman"):__________________

ADDRESS (again, please stop here if this includes East Cleveland, Eastlake, Painesville, Madison, anything in Lake County really, Tennessee/Kentucky, or RED states): __________

HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED BEFORE? CIRCLE ONE YES NO

*at this point, if yes, please discard application and lose my number

ARE YOU EMPLOYED? ______ PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT: __________

ANNUAL SALARY:_________ (This will not be used in the decision making process... I swear. LOL.).

HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS HAVE YOU HAD? ______

*if number less than 4 or greater than 30, please discard application.

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? IF SO WHAT ARE THEIR AGES?: ________

DO YOU HAVE/OR HAVE YOU HAD ANY STDS? CIRCLE ONE (documentation to be provided upon request) YES NO

HAVE YOU BEEN A CAST MEMBER ON "I LOVE NEW YORK I or II," "THE REAL WORLD," "SUNSET TAN," OR "MILLION DOLLAR LISTING?": CIRCLE ONE YES NO

*Again if yes, please discard application now. RIGHT NOW.

ESSAY QUESTIONS (please keep under 250 words):

1. I got you tickets to a _________ (fill in event you are interested in). You thank me how?

2. My car's battery died because I probably left the lights on like the airhead I am. I call and tell you. What do you say?

3. I spend a whole summer carting your lanky ass around to work because you lost your car, even going so far as to let you borrow it when I'm on vacation. How do you intend to make sure that the favor is returned?

4. My mother is crazy and my father is an arrogant asshole. How do you greet them when you first meet (on separate occasions, because they are divorced)?

5. I'm feeling sad. How will you cheer me up?

MULTIPLE CHOICE: I make a huge mistake and say some very mean things to you. Then I apologize and ask for forgiveness (keep in mind, I've forgiven you for plenty). You:

A. Call me a spoiled brat who is "young, dumb, and full of cum."

B. Flip out and threaten to sue me over a stupid blog post.

C. Change your phone number.

D. Say, "It's cool. I forgive you but you better make it up to me later, girl." And then smile and say you're sorry for acting like such a douchebag to me.

Finally, I need at least three references. 2 must be professional and one must be an ex-girlfriend or a female friend. After a quick credit and background check, I will let you know if you have made it to the final round of interviews.

By signing here, you are acknowledging that all information provided is accurate.

___________________________

Thanks, The Management.

Niiiiiice.

2008-11-25T09:57:00.001-08:00

ALANNA (text on Friday in re: to our supercool fake apartment in Boston): Does that mean Stabler will be our live-in gaurdian/manwhore?

Yes, Alanna. Yes it does. (Although I question the second gay-porn like picture on the fur rug...) Enjoy!

Welcome to my nightmare.

2008-11-25T05:29:00.000-08:00

It's November in Ohio.

Where'd ya get that t-shirt?

2008-11-24T11:45:00.000-08:00

So, in a very strongly worded email this week I was told that I was "young, dumb and full of cum." At first I was upset, mortified, humiliated, throw in any word that you think fits best. Young, yes. Dumb, well I'm not sure if that's the best word. Full of cum. That's really just uncalled for. Of course that's when the absurdity of the statement began to hit me. It was like the adult equivalent of saying "You're a doody-head."

I began to wonder... what if I put that on a t-shirt or a bumper sticker? Then Alanna brought it home with "we need that phrase cross-stitched on a pillow for our future apartment in Boston." So I decided to play around with how that would look. While I did find a t-shirt, alas I could not find the pillow.

And for your viewing pleasure, the T-shirt for Skanks Like Me. Available in sizes XS, S, M, L, and XL (for my sisters in double Ds). Seen here in a light blue classic ringer tee.

Available now for only $25!

I have an addiction, sir (and it's to DMD).

2008-11-24T10:22:00.000-08:00

FIGURE A.1

So... there is a long story behind some of what's going on around here at the moment. And it doesn't bare getting into. Someone was offended by a post entitled "Correspondence." I felt bad and decided to take it down because it wasn't very nice and I admit that it wasn't very nice. I am sorry, I told that person I was sorry, and there's really not much more I can do.

On Friday night, there was a little discussion between me and someone that led to some pretty angry feelings. Actually, it was a text/email from me saying "It must be nice not being accountable for anything" that led to another email pretty much pointing out how I'm a spoiled brat and that someone is accountable for more stuff then I could "shake a stick at." Which may or may not be true. I only know that I'm responsible for a lot of things in my life and I really didn't like being pegged as a brat.

FIGURE A.2

Well, that led me to an early evening binge on one of my favorite soft-drinks EVER (much the same as my idol Michelle Collins of BWE.tv): Diet Mountain Dew. See figure A.1. Well that and my anger (figure A.2) led to the following conversation between me and my PIC (pardnah in crime) Alanna. This conversation takes place while I was at a par-tay on Friday night.

ALANNA: Shut it down. No more contact.

ME (and this point, the party had started and I was C-RUNK/hopped up on DMD): He said mean things too. Like I'm a brat who is selfish and doesn't know anything about responsibilities. HAHA. I'm so mad I don't even care anymore. I was so nice to him even after he said that too. Like "I understand, I hope u can get thru it and we can be friends." and then he just snapped. OMG, what if he was a wife beater**? I almost fell for a wife beater. Thanks for getting me out of that one!

ALANNA: OMG! U were almost an episode of SUV. Christopher Meloni's biceps to the rescue.

ME: I blame it on the diet mountain dew... I'm going to dream of that the rest of my life. O Elliot Stabler, I love u so.

ALANNA: Diet Mountain Dew Michelle Collins style or is there a weird element I don't know about?

ME: Collins. Addicted to it like the liquid crack it is. It makes me do the bad things. Oh u know what would be good? (And here is where I came up with The Hulk).

ALANNA: HA! That kinda sounds delicious. Barney (HIMYM) would drink it.

ME: It's a new era for this chick. Suit up Alanna, I'm back.

ALANNA: Yesss.

The conversation went on to discuss Euchre, Yaek Naim's "Toxic," "Chuck," a DeLorean, and our super cool pretend fake Boston apartment. This is why I love my friends. They pick me up when I feel like crap and ODing on DMD and Strawberry Margaritas.

**NO, PVILLE GUY, I DON'T THINK YOU ARE A WIFE BEATER. I WAS WASTED AND TEXTING MY FRIEND. SO PLEASE RESIST THE URGE TO SUE ME FOR SLANDER.

Cupcakes!

2008-11-24T09:53:00.001-08:00

So like I promised, I have pictures from one of my activities of the weekend. Unfortunately, I did not make it to the movie theater to throw things at emo kids. But hey, there is always next weekend, right? So enjoy these pictures and the lack of any meaningful content (or is there...?) below.

This may or may not be the new logo. It was delicious, though, much like this blog.

A superstar in her kitchen.

A cupcake for PVille guy...

...and one for John...

"Young, dumb, and full of cum"- PVille Guy.

It was a really productive evening. Really! I made about 16 small and delectable treats and burned about 4 more. I only ate one (because I really didn't make it to the gym this weekend, as predicted).

Weapon of Mass Inebriation.

2008-11-24T08:52:00.000-08:00

So creating The Hulk got me thinking: what other delicious drinks could I make with Mountain Dew or its skinny brother, Diet? Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

THE WMD

1 1/2 oz of Whiskey.

Diet or regular Mountain Dew.

W (whiskey), M (mountain), D (dew).

This may actually already exist. I'm going to go ahead and take credit it for it until someone threatens to "seek representation" for copyright infringement.

Moving along.

2008-11-24T07:48:00.000-08:00

Apparently there seems to be a little bit of controversy brewing over here at AISYH2 (which I guess has become cause to seek "representation" for using someone's image without consent). So, I must lay low and keep some things to myself for awhile. Never fear, I will post some entertaining things for you to look at and when this all goes away (as in back to the Netherworld where "It" came from), I will continue being that crazy girl you all have come to know and love.

Like a friend of mine says, "You haven't really lived until you've truly pissed someone off."

Correspondence.

2008-11-22T11:30:00.000-08:00

Sadly, this blog had to be removed at the request of a reader. :(

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

2008-11-22T11:21:00.000-08:00

So... there are many stories so far this weekend. And I will get around to telling all of them. But one thing I would like to share with you is the new drink that I accidently invented while talking to Alanna via texts last night:

ME: Hey, you know what would be good? Vodka, Dew (Diet Mountain Dew) and a Redbull bomb. I'd call it The Hulk. You could tear down buildings!

And so, faithful readers, I give you The Hulk:

2 shots Vodka
1 shot DMD (Diet Mountain Dew- for color and caffeine)
Top off tall glass with can of Redbull

Serve chilled.

You're welcome.

Fun with Google.

2008-11-21T10:08:00.001-08:00

So I forgot about something. Yesterday I was bored and playing with my Sprint Samsung Rant phone that has the slide out keyboard and all-internet access (if you can bear to look at the internet on a tiny little screen). I've actually been using it to check my email on a regular basis (when I get out of the shower, when I'm brushing my teeth, when I'm sitting in traffic, when I'm pumping gas, when I'm painting my toenails) and I learned that I can use AIM, gChat, Yahoo! IM, and MSNMessenger (or whatever it's called), too! ANYWAY, I was playing around with mini mobile Google and I put in "PVille guy."

AND, this is the most exciting part of it all, "...And I Stole Your Hat, Too" came up! It was the first time that this had happened to me in my *blogging* life! So then I thought, what else can I google and get "AISYH2"?

FCOG: Immediately I realized that I was not as important as I had originally thought. FCOG is an acronym for the First Church of God. Which I will always remember now whenever I use that term. I don't think they would be too pleased with my version.

WHIRLING DERVISH: This brought up some interesting things. I always thought "whirling dervish" was a Victorian name for a cyclone, twister, or windstorm. TURNS OUT, a whirling dervish is a dancing Sufi monk (or what we know as monks in the western world) and the whirling dance is actually considered a way to reach religious ecstasy. See that? You learn something new everyday!

JOHN'S MOM: UrbanDictionary.com cites that the phrase "John's Mom" refers to a "a woman infatuated by 'dark meat' " or a variation of "yo mama." As in "This sucks." "Like John's mom." I would just like to say I'm sorry for that.

CHILDISH BEHAVIOR: This just found a lot of psychological sites. And a nice little article about the differences between childish and child-like. I was too A.D.D. to read it but you can:

http://www.boloji.com/family/00149.htm

("Why Can't An Adult Be Like A Child?" by Ramendra Kumar. 2000)

BOOTY CALL: (yes, I know that this will be interesting) Oh, dear Lord! For Chrissakes! If this isn't a surefire sign of the death of romance and chivalry, I don't know what else is!

http://www.onlinebootycall.com/

I could keep going with this all day!

FAQ part 2.

2008-11-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

Well, it seems there are more questions to be answered in a funny, witty way that ultimately hides the pain the I push deep down inside of me on a daily basis. This first one is from my ex.

Q: Seriously, why are you such a crazy whore?

A: Well, dear, to find the answer to your question I believe we have to break it down first. CRAZY. Although I have admitted to doing some pretty wild things- and some would may even say crazy- I do not think it is necessary to categorize myself amongst the insane. WHORE. Ok, well the definition of the word "whore" is "a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse for money; a prostitute; a harlot; or a strumpet" (according to dictionary.com). And while I do like saying the word "strumpet," I must say that while I have had my share of fun, I have never received any type of monetary compensation for it. So sadly, logic has defeated your question.

Q: Are you a bleeding heart liberal? (from a fan/hater/backward conservative? who ended email with "no way, no how, NOBAMA"- um, wasn't this already taken care of?)

I tend to lead more to the left but consider myself a moderate. However this is more the product of current financial situations. I have found that conservatives love to point out the hypocrisies of liberals (almost making a sport out of it) and I would like to say that I am the poster child for contradiction. I drive a gas-guzzling Buick (not really out of choice), I'm horrible when it comes to recycling (it's like 10 whole minutes to the recycling place, and at that rate, my car is emitting more carbon than I would like Leo DiCaprio to know about), I most definitely think there should be stricter standards when it comes to immigration (having spent a lot of time in Texas), and I shop at Wal-Mart. Ideally, I would love if we could avoid a "Day After Tomorrow" situation by changing our practices towards the environment today and in a perfect world, Wal-Mart wouldn't be the cheapest and most convenient place for me to shop. And I'm sure that I have more than enough clothes/shoes/accessories that were assembled by the nimble hands of a 9 year-old in SouthEast Asia. You can only do your best on a day to day basis. Someday, I will be in a position to do greater things. Right now, I just gotta go with what I got.

Q: Is Ohio really that bad?

A: Yes. Yes it is really that bad. However, there is plenty to complain/write about so I gotta give credit where credit is due.

Q: For real now, what do you have against "Twilight"? Why do you hate Stephenie Meyer so much?

A: Why do you care what a blog with 10 readers says about "Twilight"? Honestly, and in all seriousness, I think Stephenie Meyer "serviced" someone (or many someones) to get that tripe published. My heart feels for the many trees that have died so that a teeny-bopper girl can get vampire-tryst fantasy on. As for the movie, my soul dies a little more every time I see a trailer for it. I remember, before even knowing about the books, seeing the trailer and being like "This is a really pathetic excuse for a vampire movie. No Brad Pitt, no Antonio Banderas, no Keifer Sutherland, no Gary Oldham, not even Stuart Townsend. And Ann Rice has nothing to do with it? Gotcha." If you want to see a good movie about teen vampires, get "The Lost Boys." Or, just stick to zombie movies since they are better anyway (I know you wouldn't want to get it on with one of them, but they're much more unpredictable and a lot less douche-y).

That's it. I may/may not post some "discovery" links but the weather has left me with ZERO energy bars.

FAQ.

2008-11-20T06:55:00.000-08:00

Here are some of the answers to questions I've been getting since the inaugural post of this blog.

Q: Why are you such a dork? (truth be told, this one is from my own sister)

A: If the fact that I read real books and publications that are not chick lit or Cosmo makes me a dork, so be it. Unfortunately I live in a state where the stereotype of beautiful women needing to be seen and not heard (while ugly women are forced to work in the bookstore/library/become 8th grade Algebra teachers) is perpetuated. I do like to read. I do like to see independent film. I do not watch Fox News. And yes, I enjoy the SciFi channel and horror movies. And according to the people of this state, that makes me a dork/nerd/shrew/troll.

Q: What the hell is John's deal? What attracted you to him in the first place?

A: John's "deal" is that he is a spoiled brat who doesn't like it when the women in his life (mom, sister, friend, ex-girlfriend) tell him he is an idiot. He's insecure and hides it with the bravado usually reserved for hip-hop stars like Jay-Z. That being said, he is a sweet lost little boy inside and he is very cute. And he actually does like to learn new things and talk and try to help people whether they asked for his advice or not. I don't know, he's kind of just like a mole that you get so used to you forget that it could be cancerous.

Q: What is your religious affiliation? I see you say you are an 'agnostic leaning towards atheism' on Facebook?

A: Agnostic and always, always questioning everything. Even when I was little. I don't like to align myself with organized religion and I feel very suffocated inside a church (I subscribe to the theory that if there is a G-O-D he would rather be appreciated amongst his own creations rather than in a kiss-ass piece of architecture).

Q: Really, though, why are you so weird? (again from Lisa, my sister)

A: I am not weird. I'm eccentric and quirky and adorable.

Q: So are you like some troll with no life in her parents' basement in her pajamas typing mean gossip on your blog?

A: Actually, I think I am pretty attractive if I do say so myself. Do I have a life? That's debatable. I go out and enjoy myself but I'm not a party girl (anymore). There really isn't that much to do around here, though. Parents' basement? Our basement is a scary, scary thing that I would imagine houses a crazy cannibal. I stay in my area, he stays in his, and there are no problems. As for my parents... well, having been divorced for many many years you can guess that they do not have a house together anymore.

Q: Do you really have a job?

A: OF course I do. Otherwise I wouldn't have this blog to keep me busy while I'm at it!

Q: You make it sound like Ohio is so isolated and backward. Where do you live, exactly?

A: I live in a lovely little town called Chesterland and it is in Geauga County. This is the county immediately east of Cuyahoga County, where Cleveland is located and I spent a good portion of my life going to school. Geauga County is mostly rural and includes small towns (like Chardon) as well as vast expanses of farm land (Amish country in Middlefield). Most of Ohio is actually rural expanse like Geauga County. What makes it interesting is the stark contrast in (this is why it is such a hotly contended for Battleground State) the inner-city populations of Cincinnati, Cleveland, and kind of Columbus (Columbus is actually a microcosm of its own with Ohio State). We got it all here: backwards religious conservatives, mormons (Kirtland), rednecks, large Jewish populations, large Slavic and Russian populations, large African American populations, large Hispanic populations, young liberal college-educated elites, wealthy old money, wealthy new money, poverty, a booming crack-cocaine market, poor educational system, a failing industrial sector, a dirty polluted river that caught on fire, racial tension, and the ghosts of 4 dead college students from 1970. And Lebron James. It's pretty much a hodge-podge of political issues. I love Ohio.

Q: Why do you continue to give PVille guy the time of day? (this coming from a friend- actually all my friends)

A: Because it is my gift and my curse to always see the good in people. Even those that continue to walk on me and/or spew hate my way. I think he is a really good guy and I think that he deserves better than what he has arguably accepted as his fate. That being said, I do have my dignity and this blog and many, many of you making sure that I don't lose myself in this whole ordeal.

Q: Do you have pets?

A: I do. Oh, you want to know what kind? I have a British bi-color blue named Sir Thomas of Chestershire (TomCat or TC for short). He has six toes on each paw, which I guess is a breed standard. He was a barn cat that my mother took in. He has since become very accustomed to the indoor life. And I have a lab named Lucky. Well, lab/pit mix. I saved him from a shelter. He has a gimp leg from a hit and run incident and abandonment issues. He may or may not be mentally retarded as well. He's 2 1/2. They are my faithful companions and provide me with daily entertainment.

Q: You need to do something with your life. (this one is from my ever-loving Dad who now resides in Scottsdale, AZ but was born in the projects in Boston).

A: That wasn't exactly a question as much of a statement. Yes, I know I need to do something with my life. In five years, I see myself doing exactly that: something.

Ok, well if anyone wants to know anything else about me, you can email: carlyrowe@gmail.com or post your question in the comments.

Add another to the list of losers... or not.

2008-11-19T12:49:00.000-08:00

So PVille guy... WTF? Oh my lawd, oh my lawd. W. T. F. Last night we were doing our courtship dance via texts as usual. (By the way, remind me to tell the story of how I met this one). Anyway, he asked the usual "Why do you like me?" and I said the usual "Because you're smart, nice, and cute." And then I thought to myself, what the hell is his problem? Why can't he jump on board the commitment train? I am awesome and he sucks if he can't see that. Girl power to me 21 hours ago. So I texted back with "Why DON'T u like me?" And the madder I got, the more I wanted to know. "If you have something that you want, why don't you do something about it?"

So I waited for his response. And waited. And all the while I'm thinking, It's amazing that these life-changing important relationship milestones are being discussed via text messages. Are real estate acquisitions and business transactions done this way now, too?

Then it came. The reason. What I had been waiting to here for weeks from this guy.

"B4 u, there was someone else. I'm still not over her. I'm sorry 4 everything."

SO... you can imagine my response.

Sorry, it's just too easy nowadays. So this then set off a rapid-fire of "inspired" texts to him ranging from the "I feel like a complete idiot" to the "I can't believe all the shit that I did for you" to the even more wicked "You aren't sorry, you are pathetic."

I'm not going to let someone walk all over me. I'm a modern-day woman and I am strong.

Or so I thought until this morning. I woke up and realized that this poor guy (and trust me, I'm still mad but hear me out) is really going through some shit right now. To still be in love with some whore (or dare I say New FCOG- but she's an ex so it would be XFCOG and that's gonna be confusing) after a year... who wants nothing to do with him... and it's affecting a relationship with someone who he likes and could potentially have a decent thing going with... that's just really gotta suck.

So I did the only thing I know how to do when it comes to modern day romance communications. I sent him a message on Facebook. I can only imagine how life for Josephine and Napolean would have been if the 'Book existed back then. I pretty much told him I was mad but that it's time for him to get over it and get out there and meet new people if he ever wanted to have something serious and meaningful again- it probably wouldn't be with me because I'm still simmering- but all the same, you have to live your own life. This chick is not worth the internal strife if she can't see the good things I see (but seriously, I'm not a pushover).

I know, I'm so nice.

So, I'm officially single. And that's ok because I put together an agenda of what I'll be doing this weekend:

1. Go to movie theater and throw stuff at emo kids waiting in line to see "Twilight."

2. Read Revolutionary Road before Kate and Leo do it on the big screen.

3. Go on a road trip through Amish country (it's like 15 min from here) and take pictures like a tourist. The cheese factory is off.the.hizzook.

4. Finally get around to throwing away the dead palmetto bug that my cat killed and I've been too grossed out/fascinated to pick it up and throw it away. It currently resides on my living room floor, legs up.

5. Maybe go to the gym? But probably not.

6. Make cupcakes. (Followed by the inevitable "Why the hell did I do this? WHO the HELL is going to eat all these cupcakes?)

7. Trace my hand and make the traditional turkey picture.

8. Make several copies of turkey and hang up around my kitchen.

9. Throw away the moldy jack-o-latern I carved for Halloween. I was trying to make a statement art piece with it as it molded... but it smells.

And finally number 10:

Go to ModCloth.com and buy a dress that looks like Joan Halloway's on "Mad Men," get dolled up, and then walk around asking people for a light at one of our townie bars while I look for someone who looks like either Jon Hamm or John Slattery to take home (or Dr. Rapist, but really, I'd prefer one of the Johns).

I'll do one of these or most of these or all of these or none of these. Either way, there will be pictures on Monday. TTFN.

Quote.

2008-11-19T07:35:00.000-08:00

"Even after all this time, The sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.'

Look what happens with a love like that - It lights the whole sky."

-Hafiz. Sufi Poet.

I really wanted to be angry today about a lot of things. Then I read this quote. And somehow, it just made sense. I know this isn't zany like everything else I seem to do lately but it was a crazy morning... plus, he looks like the Persion Francis of Assisi in this picture (oh no, I didn't? oh YES, Catholics, I DID).

You can learn more about this Iranian poet here.

#30. The thirty things you should be looking at.

2008-11-18T11:36:00.001-08:00

This is my thirtieth blog post on "AISTYH2"!!! To celebrate, I thought I would bring your attention to thirty things that I think are worth paying attention to. You may disagree, you may stop reading this blog after this, but I thought it would be fun and easy and I'm a little bored. If anyone has any idea how to find a hotel room in DC for inauguration weekend, I know my boss would appreciate it. These are numbered, but in no specific order of importance. They are all pretty rad. Yes, I said rad.

1. "Mad Men" on AMC. Although season 2 is over now. You can catch up on your cable company's OnDemand for free. It is so wonderfully amazing that I cannot put it into words effectively so I will only make a feeble attempt: 1960s, Ad Agency, Don Draper, Dames were Dames, Men were Men.

2. Reading. And not "books by Stephanie Meyer" reading. REAL reading. Since when does a book have to be poorly written and have teen vampires in it to be good? Since never, that's when. So do yourself a favor and scroll down the list to see some of my book suggestions.

3. EmmyBlotnick.com. I'm not posting a link, you have to type it into your browsers, lazies. I wish that I was friends with this girl (but alas, she is too cool). She cracks me up.

4. KateBeaton.com. Cartoons for the smart. Not for the "Lame at Heart." A favorite includes cat Garfield, James Garfield, and an assassination. SPOILER ALERT: one of them dies.

5. Magnetic Fields. It's the way pop should sound, ranging from the melancholic broken heart nostalgic ballad ("Take Ecstasy With Me") to the revenge break-up gay love affair song ("I Thought You Were My Boyfriend"). And I love it all.

6. Lady GaGa. You will see her picture and go, "Oh, that's Xtina Aguilera." And I will say "No, no it is not." Essential New York club music- picture Blake Lively and Leighton Meister dancing to this at some pretentious club that LiLo goes to and scribbles mean things about ScarJo on the walls. You can imagine that this music is not very popular out here in the MidWest.

7. "Spaced." This is pretty popular (in England)... but my guess is that whoever reads this hasn't actually watched it. So put it in your Netflix queue. It's Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and some appearances by the "Shaun of the Dead" peeps before there was a Shaun and an Ed. There are only 14 episodes people, I think you can handle it.

8. "Suspiria." Dario Argento is the master of Italian Horror. I don't know why I like this movie so much, probably for the same reasons I like cotton candy.

9. "La Dolce Vita." Another Italian movie, this one by "FeFe" Fellini. It's just so beautiful, even in black and white. And some of the most adoring lines directed towards a woman on film are said during the scene where Anita Eckberg is dancing in the fountain while Mostrianni watches her. (also, it is where we got the term 'Paparazzi' from... which is also coincidentally the title of a Lady GaGa song).

10. SkyMall. Not to be confused with SkyNet from "Terminator" movies. SkyMall is the magazine catalog that is the only option (other than the safety brochure) to read on a plane unless you were smart (not me, ever) and brought your own book. It's really funny to look up unnecessary items like a soda fountain... FOR YOUR GOLF BAG. Or sterile, rust free, air free tent. For your PORSCHE.

11. Thai food. I know this isn't technically one of the world's little-known secrets. But dammit if it ain't so so so good. Plus, I live in rural Ohio so it kinda is an exotic luxury (plus, PVille guy likes it a lot).

12. Special Topics in Calamity Physics. This is good writing about teenagers. Interesting and intriguing and ambiguous... meaning: I had no clue WTF was going on in some places and I never really did find out what happened. But it's fun to play "Who would play Blue Van Meer in the movie? Who would play Gareth? Or Hannah? Or Jade?" (and my answers are Leighton Meister, Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz, and Amanda Seyfreid- we'll see if Hollywood pays attention).

13. Books by CJ Box. Ok, this is what's going to happen. You are going to go to the bookstore and find his books and be like "What? Why this guy?" Truth be told, I have only just started reading his first book. HOWEVER. He came all the way from East BFE, Wyoming to lil' ol' Geauga County, Ohio to talk to a bunch of crazy fans on Saturday night- I was there. I figure that counts for something. Probably the coolest person I've ever met from Wyoming, too. And completely the opposite of everything I know and stand for... but, still. I liked him.

14. The Kite Runner. It's by Khaled Hosseini. There's a movie. It's tragic and hurts your heart to read but I figure with events as they are in the world today, we could do with some empathy for our fellow man. It's worth a look. He also wrote A Thousand Splendid Suns. Also good.

15. Anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, by Chuck Klosterman. If it is Pop Culture you seek, you will get it and then some with every piece of witty observation he writes.

16. LASER TAG.

17. ExecutedToday.com. Because it is just so fascinating. Pretty much what the title says it is, this blog posts who got killed by the State today in history. And how (that's my favorite part, the how, because I like gruesomeness).

18. "There Will Be Blood." Should have one the Oscar for Best Picture last year, but I was happy with DDL taking home the Best Actor prize. For as much press as it got (even an SNL parody, too) it still did not make a lot of money. Trust me when I tell you, it's the most incredible and "quietly intense" (how's that for an oxymoron?) movie you will ever see. And of course the "I drink your milkshake" scene doesn't exactly suck either. This movie is the sole reason why after every argument I declare "I'M FINISHED."

19. Coen Brothers marathon. Ok, I don't hate the Coen Brothers (as insinuated in above statement). I really liked "No Country For Old Men" and I really, really liked how I was the only person in the theater actually laughing (because for as much as it was touted as a thriller, it was pretty funny). So go to your local Blockbuster and rent: "Blood Simple," "Raising Arizona," "Fargo," "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" (my favorite Coen Bros. film), and "No Country." Fans would say to get "The Big Lebowski" as well... and I like it too but it took me three viewings to actually get.

20. "The Serpent and the Rainbow." I don't know why, but I was obsessed with this movie when I was younger. Something about going on a trip and turning into a Zombie and it's just INSANE.

21. "The Lost Boys." My favorite eighties movie. Jason Patric when he was hot. Jami Gertz when she was hot. Kiefer before Jack Bauer. Dianne Weistt and Edward Hermann (Herman Munster!).

22. "Six Feet Under: The Final Season." One of my favorite shows of all time and the season that would end it all... and I really do mean end it all, especially for poor Nate. The last moments show each character at the time of their future death. It made me a little mad (Keith) and it made me really happy (Claire). On DVD.

23. "Less Than Zero" movie and Less Than Zero book. Two very very different interpretations of the same Christmas break in LA. The movie is my second favorite eighties movie (RDowney JR. and Gertz are STUNNING) and the book is just disturbing. Makes you feel bad for rich kids. ALMOST. Written by Bret Easton Ellis at age 21. Taken from Elvis Costello song.

24. "Brokedown Palace" and "Return to Paradise." Pretty much the same lesson: don't smoke pot/smuggle pot/trust strangers in Thailand. They both have pretty crappy endings... one a little more tragic then the other. Claire Danes/Kate Beckinsale when they were young and Vince Vaughn/Anne Heche before he got fat and she went gay with Ellen. And Joaquin before he weirded out.

25. DeusExMalcontent.com. I promised not to make this blog politically biased. Him I can't speak for. And his bebe is soooo cute.

26. "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves." It's really kinda sad that I love this movie so much. Kevin Costner doesn't attempt to do a British accent and it is slightly historically inaccurate. But it does include this exchange: "Do it for your country." "No." Cut to Costner looking confused. Cut back to Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio. "I'll do it... for you." Cue orchestral Bryan Adams song. And then a blind guy saying this: "He fancies you. I may be blind, my lady, but somethings I can see." And a tear falls. PLUS: Morgan Freeman, voice of God and the Angels, is in it.

27. McDonald's Snackers. Yeah, yeah. I know McDonald's is the root of evil, the flagship symbol of capitalist pig America. But you gotta hand it to Morgan Spurloch. After "Supersize Me," the chain made every possible effort to make its menu healthier for kids. They took the fries option out of Happy Meals, increased their Salad Menu, and introduced us to these suckers. The Snacker. MMMMMM. It's not a BigMac, but it won't clog your arteries either.

28. "30 Days." Speaking of Spurloch, this show is just awesome in a day where this country has never been more divided. It lives out the message "Put yourself in my shoes."

29. Molson Canadian Beer. For their labels alone, but also they taste pretty good (named best beer by "Men's Health Magazine") on a cold Ohio night when you really begin to understand how close you actually are to Canada. Also, dares to ask the question: would you rather have a dirty-mouthed sailor or a blind monkey? It's as much as a conversation piece as that pretentious MoMA lampshade you just bought.

30. Really pretentious fixtures for your home by MoMA. I couldn't help myself. They are pretty sweet.

That's it for today and possibly the week. It wore me out a little.

Comics for big kids.

2008-11-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

Go immediately to http://www.katebeaton.com. I promise you will not regret it.