Guaranteed to get you a man in 90 days or less.*

As much as I would like to not restrain the snark on this particular post, last night I couldn't help but try and condense years of horrific dating experience/thousands spent on Cosmo and Glamour into 10 generalities that every single girl should probably know. Pretty much, after all this time, this comes down to a list of lessons from mistakes I made and shall not make again (or at least try not to make again). I swear to God, if any of you fuckers steal this and write a relationship book I will come after you. :)

1. Be yourself. Obvious, yes. Do people do it? No. I changed myself completely because I thought certain people would like me more (JOHN). The truth is you are stuck with yourself for many years so don't compromise YOU because you think a guy is worth it. If you must change, then change for the better and become the best, most smiley and upbeat version of yourself. Be articulate and make interesting points. Don't dumb yourself down.

2. Jump in With Both Feet. You will date many men in your lifetime. Unless you found your soul mate out of high school or college, which does happen but not always (good for you if you did). Chances are, your heart will be eviscerated and smashed and put in a blender until there's nothing left. But here's the tough part: You can't let that scare you away from the next guy. You have to figure out a way to move on (and you will, I promise).

3. Date "losers." This was inspired by a conversation I had with a friend last night. You really cannot have a list of requirements for potential mates. Some girls do have high standards and there is nothing really wrong with that, but don't rule someone out because they don't make a lot of money or they didn't go to college. If a guy works hard and he's honest and genuinely fun to talk to, he deserves a chance- and at the very least, a conversation.

4. Don't Look for a Husband. Now, I make no guarantees with any of this. I'm just telling you what will help you out in the long run and give you peace of mind so you don't have to beat yourself up. Charlotte York was on a quest for a husband in "Sex and The City," and I have to say it was a pretty annoying storyline. Not only did she end up with a dysfunctional marriage, but she had unrealistic goals and deadlines set for herself (ultimately causing her to almost lose her second husband). Looking for a husband really only sets yourself up for failure not to mention scares of the opposite sex (men, by nature, are commitment-phobes and slow as snails when it comes to any kind of long term relationship). Don't rush things that are good. Just take your time and the rest will fall into place. Besides, marriage should not be the goal- love should be.

5. Don't play damsel and stop looking for your knight. Girls who need to be rescued are a novelty. Once your rescued, it will all get really old really quickly. Be a strong person, change your own tires and fix your own lights- or at least know how to dial up a professional who can. Girls who fall into the damsel role so easily (and at times, I have fallen into this category, too) start to take advantage of it. And men will see right through it.

6. Say yes. This is hard for a lot of women who want to be seen as strong and independent. Strong and independent is good, but it can also come off bitchy. Say yes if he wants to hang out. Say yes if he wants to play pool (which, ugh, I hate). Say yes if he wants to see a stupid movie that you have no desire to see (Hello, "Bangkok Dangerous"? Yeah, ummNO). As long as it isn't something that will make you feel totally uncomfortable (I completely understand, and actually support, saying no to a 5-way orgy with a goat and a gallon of Canola Oil), there's no harm in trying something.

7. Smile. I know this sounds like a pageant mom's advice for her four year-old. However, it's probably the easiest thing you can do to make yourself more attractive (Didya know that in advertisements clock hands are set to the 10 and 2 to form a smile because it is a more attractive shape?) This is one I had to learn the hard way. I have a big mouth with full lips, as does my sister. When we don't smile (ie, plain work face), we look like we are scowling (as we have been told many a times by our thin-lipped mother). So I have learned to keep some degree of a happy face in social gatherings. Now, I'm not talking like Joker grin... but just something that makes you approachable.

8. Be Your Own Person. I was taught this by my twelfth grade English teacher, Miss Delassandro. However, I didn't realize it until my last long term relationship. She was criticizing "Jerry Maguire" and the famous "You complete me" line he says to Renee Zelweger in the end. "You shouldn't want someone to complete you. You should be complete on your own." It's really true. And sadly, it takes some people years and years of marriage to figure it out. You should be a fully developed and stable person, able to exist on your own and self-sustain, before you take someone on in your life. Otherwise, when that person goes away, there will be a big hole left and it will cause a vacuum effect. Trust me when I say that's really hard to come out of.

9. Be clean. Really this is just housekeeping. Always be clean. Take showers before dates. Don't do drugs. Don't go on "Rock of Love: Bus." Don't drink a lot (rule of thumb: don't get so drunk that you can't get home on your own volition). Brush your teeth. Don't kiss someone after you puke. Make sure you get tested for HIV and other fun STDs. Take pride in your appearance. This isn't shallow, it's just a function of being a human. Really, no one wants to date the smelly girl with vomit in her greasy hair.

10. And finally, care of Ludacris via Usher's "Yeah": Be a lady in the street but a freak in the bed. While I do believe that this is self-explanatory, allow me to elaborate. Guys want a girl they take home to mom. They don't want one of Bret Michaels's rejects or someone who should be on "Charm School." Those girls are fun to look at, ogle, have a quickie with in the bathroom, but they aren't "Hey, meet my parents" material. So, don't hook up with Bret Michaels in a bathroom or do porn with a midget (really, any porn is not a good idea) if you want to have a relationship with a decent man. And no, Flava Flav, Chance, Real, and Bret do not count as "decent."
Second part of this, the "that being said" transition: behind closed doors, go crazy. As long as you are both consenting and conscious, I say have a lot of fun. Keep it between you and him. It's worth it. He doesn't want to hear about things you've done with other people and really, he doesn't want you broadcasting it to everyone either. I know it's the Madonna/whore complex but it's true. Men like the appearance of their wives to be sweet and classy while their mistresses are whorey and slutty. So your goal is to find the balance between the two. I know, it's not fair. But guys are stupid and have very banal brains.

So, that was my crack at relationship advice as shotty and half-assed as it may be. Guys, feel free to disagree or add to any of this.

*I make no guarantees about any of this working.