Happy Thanksgiving!

On my way to my grandparents' house today, I started to get a little emotional and yes... I cried. Everything- PVille Guy, John, etc.- just hit me all at once. I am alone, I thought. Alone during the holiday season. And then I turned on Cleveland's 92.3 and this little gem came on. And Adam Sandler once again saved the day. I smiled, laughed a little, and said out loud (alone in my car), "Life is not that bad. I am not in India and I am going to see a family that loves me." So, I will be spending the rest of the evening (post-dinner) watching "Billy Madison," "Happy Gilmore," and of course, "Mr. Deeds."

"Fifty First Dates" ain't that bad either. But that one tends to make me cry... go figure.

Happy Turkey Day!! Peace on Earth! I will be back on Monday.

Apply yourself.

In an effort to screen out any possible psychos, arsonists, racists, people from Eastlake, OH, or self-mutilators, I created this easy to follow application for my next potential suitor.  

NAME: ___________

ANY OTHER ALIASES (please stop here if this includes "T-Bone," "Biggie," "Jhonny Knots," "Goose," "Maverick," or "Iceman"):__________________

ADDRESS (again, please stop here if this includes East Cleveland, Eastlake, Painesville, Madison, anything in Lake County really, Tennessee/Kentucky, or RED states): __________

HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED BEFORE?      CIRCLE ONE       YES         NO

*at this point, if yes, please discard application and lose my number

ARE YOU EMPLOYED? ______  PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT: __________

ANNUAL SALARY:_________ (This will not be used in the decision making process... I swear. LOL.).

HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS HAVE YOU HAD?   ______

*if number less than 4 or greater than 30, please discard application.

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?  IF SO WHAT ARE THEIR AGES?:  ________

DO YOU HAVE/OR HAVE YOU HAD ANY STDS?  CIRCLE ONE (documentation to be provided upon request)  YES     NO

HAVE YOU BEEN A CAST MEMBER ON "I LOVE NEW YORK I or II," "THE REAL WORLD," "SUNSET TAN," OR "MILLION DOLLAR LISTING?":     CIRCLE ONE   YES     NO

*Again if yes, please discard application now.  RIGHT NOW.

ESSAY QUESTIONS (please keep under 250 words):

1.  I got you tickets to a _________ (fill in event you are interested in).  You thank me how?

2. My car's battery died because I probably left the lights on like the airhead I am.  I call and tell you.  What do you say?

3.  I spend a whole summer carting your lanky ass around to work because you lost your car, even going so far as to let you borrow it when I'm on vacation.  How do you intend to make sure that the favor is returned?

4.  My mother is crazy and my father is an arrogant asshole.  How do you greet them when you first meet (on separate occasions, because they are divorced)?

5.  I'm feeling sad.  How will you cheer me up?

MULTIPLE CHOICE:  I make a huge mistake and say some very  mean things to you.  Then I apologize and ask for forgiveness (keep in mind, I've forgiven you for plenty).  You:

A.  Call me a spoiled brat who is "young, dumb, and full of cum."

B.  Flip out and threaten to sue me over a stupid blog post.

C.  Change your phone number.

D.  Say, "It's cool.  I forgive you but you better make it up to me later, girl." And then smile and say you're sorry for acting like such a douchebag to me.

Finally, I need at least three references.  2 must be professional and one must be an ex-girlfriend or a female friend.  After a quick credit and background check, I will let you know if you have made it to the final round of interviews.

By signing here, you are acknowledging that all information provided is accurate.

___________________________

Thanks,  The Management.

Niiiiiice.

ALANNA (text on Friday in re: to our supercool fake apartment in Boston):  Does that mean Stabler will be our live-in gaurdian/manwhore?

Yes, Alanna.  Yes it does.  (Although I question the second gay-porn like picture on the fur rug...)  Enjoy!

Welcome to my nightmare.

It's November in Ohio.

Where'd ya get that t-shirt?

So, in a very strongly worded email this week I was told that I was "young, dumb and full of cum."  At first I was upset, mortified, humiliated, throw in any word that you think fits best. Young, yes.  Dumb, well I'm not sure if that's the best word.  Full of cum.  That's really just uncalled for.  Of course that's when the absurdity of the statement began to hit me.  It was like the adult equivalent of saying "You're a doody-head."  

I began to wonder... what if I put that on a t-shirt or a bumper sticker?  Then Alanna brought it home with "we need that phrase cross-stitched on a pillow for our future apartment in Boston." So I decided to play around with how that would look.  While I did find a t-shirt, alas I could not find the pillow.

And for your viewing pleasure, the T-shirt for Skanks Like Me.  Available in sizes XS, S, M, L, and XL (for my sisters in double Ds).  Seen here in a light blue classic ringer tee.

Available now for only $25!

I have an addiction, sir (and it's to DMD).

FIGURE A.1

So... there is a long story behind some of what's going on around here at the moment.  And it doesn't bare getting into.  Someone was offended by a post entitled "Correspondence." I felt bad and decided to take it down because it wasn't very nice and I admit that it wasn't very nice. I am sorry, I told that person I was sorry, and there's really not much more I can do.  

On Friday night, there was a little discussion between me and someone that led to some pretty angry feelings.  Actually, it was a text/email from me saying "It must be nice not being accountable for anything" that led to another email pretty much pointing out how I'm a spoiled brat and that someone is accountable for more stuff then I could "shake a stick at."  Which may or may not be true.  I only know that I'm responsible for a lot of things in my life and I really didn't like being pegged as a brat.

FIGURE A.2

Well, that led me to an early evening binge on one of my favorite soft-drinks EVER (much the same as my idol Michelle Collins of BWE.tv): Diet Mountain Dew.  See figure A.1.  Well that and my anger (figure A.2) led to the following conversation between me and my PIC (pardnah in crime) Alanna.   This conversation takes place while I was at a par-tay on Friday night.

ALANNA: Shut it down.  No more contact.

ME (and this point, the party had started and I was C-RUNK/hopped up on DMD): He said mean things too.  Like I'm a brat who is selfish and doesn't know anything about responsibilities.  HAHA.  I'm so mad I don't even care anymore.  I was so nice to him even after he said that too.  Like "I understand, I hope u can get thru it and we can be friends." and then he just snapped. OMG, what if he was a wife beater**?  I almost fell for a wife beater.  Thanks for getting me out of that one!

ALANNA:  OMG! U were almost an episode of SUV.  Christopher Meloni's biceps to the rescue.

ME:  I blame it on the diet mountain dew... I'm going to dream of that the rest of my life.  O Elliot Stabler, I love u so.

ALANNA:  Diet Mountain Dew Michelle Collins style or is there a weird element I don't know about?

ME:  Collins.  Addicted to it like the liquid crack it is.  It makes me do  the bad things.  Oh u know what would be good? (And here is where I came up with The Hulk).

ALANNA: HA!  That kinda sounds delicious. Barney (HIMYM) would drink it.

ME: It's a new era for this chick.  Suit up Alanna, I'm back.

ALANNA:  Yesss.

The conversation went on to discuss Euchre, Yaek Naim's "Toxic," "Chuck," a DeLorean, and our super cool pretend fake Boston apartment.  This is why I love my friends.  They pick me up when I feel like crap and ODing on DMD and Strawberry Margaritas.

**NO, PVILLE GUY, I DON'T THINK YOU ARE A WIFE BEATER.  I WAS WASTED AND TEXTING MY FRIEND.  SO PLEASE RESIST THE URGE TO SUE ME FOR SLANDER.

Cupcakes!

So like I promised, I have pictures from one of my activities of the weekend.  Unfortunately, I did not make it to the movie theater to throw things at emo kids.  But hey, there is always next weekend, right?  So enjoy these pictures and the lack of any meaningful content (or is there...?) below.

This may or may not be the new logo.  It was delicious, though, much like this blog.

A superstar in her kitchen.

A cupcake for PVille guy...

...and one for John...

"Young, dumb, and full of cum"- PVille Guy.

It was a really productive evening.  Really!  I made about 16 small and delectable treats and burned about 4 more.  I only ate one (because I really didn't make it to the gym this weekend, as predicted).

Weapon of Mass Inebriation.

So creating The Hulk got me thinking: what other delicious drinks could I make with Mountain Dew or its skinny brother, Diet?  Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...

THE WMD

1 1/2 oz of Whiskey.

Diet or regular Mountain Dew.

W (whiskey), M (mountain), D (dew).  

This may actually already exist.  I'm going to go ahead and take credit it for it until someone threatens to "seek representation" for copyright infringement.

Moving along.

Apparently there seems to be a little bit of controversy brewing over here at AISYH2 (which I guess has become cause to seek "representation" for using someone's image without consent). So, I must lay low and keep some things to myself for awhile.  Never fear, I will post some entertaining things for you to look at and when this all goes away (as in back to the Netherworld where "It" came from), I will continue being that crazy girl you all have come to know and love.  

Like a friend of mine says, "You haven't really lived until you've truly pissed someone off."

Correspondence.

Sadly, this blog had to be removed at the request of a reader.  :(

You wouldn't like me when I'm angry...

So... there are many stories so far this weekend. And I will get around to telling all of them. But one thing I would like to share with you is the new drink that I accidently invented while talking to Alanna via texts last night:

ME: Hey, you know what would be good? Vodka, Dew (Diet Mountain Dew) and a Redbull bomb. I'd call it The Hulk. You could tear down buildings!

And so, faithful readers, I give you The Hulk:

2 shots Vodka
1 shot DMD (Diet Mountain Dew- for color and caffeine)
Top off tall glass with can of Redbull

Serve chilled.

You're welcome.

Fun with Google.

So I forgot about something.  Yesterday I was bored and playing with my Sprint Samsung Rant phone that has the slide out keyboard and all-internet access (if you can bear to look at the internet on a tiny little screen).  I've actually been using it to check my email on a regular basis (when I get out of the shower, when I'm brushing my teeth, when I'm sitting in traffic, when I'm pumping gas, when I'm painting my toenails) and I learned that I can use AIM, gChat, Yahoo! IM, and MSNMessenger (or whatever it's called), too!  ANYWAY, I was playing around with mini mobile Google and I put in "PVille guy."

AND, this is the most exciting part of it all, "...And I Stole Your Hat, Too" came up!  It was the first time that this had happened to me in my *blogging* life!  So then I thought, what else can I google and get "AISYH2"?

FCOG:  Immediately I realized that I was not as important as I had originally thought.  FCOG is an acronym for the First Church of God.  Which I will always remember now whenever I use that term.  I don't think they would be too pleased with my version.

WHIRLING DERVISH: This brought up some interesting things.  I always thought "whirling dervish" was a Victorian name for a cyclone, twister, or windstorm.  TURNS OUT, a whirling dervish is a dancing Sufi monk (or what we know as monks in the western world) and the whirling dance is actually considered a way to reach religious ecstasy.  See that? You learn something new everyday!

JOHN'S MOM:  UrbanDictionary.com cites that the phrase "John's Mom" refers to a "a woman infatuated by 'dark meat' " or a variation of "yo mama."  As in "This sucks." "Like John's mom." I would just like to say I'm sorry for that.

CHILDISH BEHAVIOR:  This just found a lot of psychological sites.  And a nice little article about the differences between childish and child-like.  I was too A.D.D. to read it but you can:

http://www.boloji.com/family/00149.htm 

("Why Can't An Adult Be Like A Child?" by Ramendra Kumar. 2000)

BOOTY CALL: (yes, I know that this will be interesting)  Oh, dear Lord!  For Chrissakes! If this isn't a surefire sign of the death of romance and chivalry, I don't know what else is!

 http://www.onlinebootycall.com/

I could keep going with this all day!

FAQ part 2.

Well, it seems there are more questions to be answered in a funny, witty way that ultimately hides the pain the I push deep down inside of me on a daily basis.  This first one is from my ex.

Q: Seriously, why are you such a crazy whore?

A: Well, dear, to find the answer to your question I believe we have to break it down first. CRAZY.  Although I have admitted to doing some pretty wild things- and some would may even say crazy- I do not think it is necessary to categorize myself amongst the insane.  WHORE. Ok, well the definition of the word "whore" is "a woman who engages in promiscuous sexual intercourse for money; a prostitute; a harlot; or a strumpet" (according to dictionary.com). And while I do like saying the word "strumpet," I must say that while I have had my share of fun, I have never received any type of monetary compensation for it.  So sadly, logic has defeated your question.

Q:  Are you a bleeding heart liberal? (from a fan/hater/backward conservative? who ended email with "no way, no how, NOBAMA"- um, wasn't this already taken care of?)

I tend to lead more to the left but consider myself a moderate. However this is more the product of current financial situations.  I have found that conservatives love to point out the hypocrisies of liberals (almost making a sport out of it) and I would like to say that I am the poster child for contradiction.  I drive a gas-guzzling Buick (not really out of choice), I'm horrible when it comes to recycling (it's like 10 whole minutes to the recycling place, and at that rate, my car is emitting more carbon than I would like Leo DiCaprio to know about), I most definitely think there should be stricter standards when it comes to immigration (having spent a lot of time in Texas), and I shop at Wal-Mart. Ideally, I would love if we could avoid a "Day After Tomorrow" situation by changing our practices towards the environment today and in a perfect world, Wal-Mart wouldn't be the cheapest and most convenient place for me to shop.  And I'm sure that I have more than enough clothes/shoes/accessories that were assembled by the nimble hands of a 9 year-old in SouthEast Asia.  You can only do your best on a day to day basis.  Someday, I will be in a position to do greater things.  Right now, I just gotta go with what I got.

Q:  Is Ohio really that bad?

A:  Yes.  Yes it is really that bad.  However, there is plenty to complain/write about so I gotta give credit where credit is due.

Q: For real now, what do you have against "Twilight"?  Why do you hate Stephenie Meyer so much?  

A: Why do you care what a blog with 10 readers says about "Twilight"?  Honestly, and in all seriousness, I think Stephenie Meyer "serviced" someone (or many someones) to get that tripe published.  My heart feels for the many trees that have died so that a teeny-bopper girl can get vampire-tryst fantasy on.  As for the movie, my soul dies a little more every time I see a trailer for it.  I remember, before even knowing about the books, seeing the trailer and being like "This is a really pathetic excuse for a vampire movie.  No Brad Pitt, no Antonio Banderas, no Keifer Sutherland, no Gary Oldham, not even Stuart Townsend.  And Ann Rice has nothing to do with it? Gotcha." If you want to see a good movie about teen vampires, get "The Lost Boys." Or, just stick to zombie movies since they are better anyway (I know you wouldn't want to get it on with one of them, but they're much more unpredictable and a lot less douche-y).

That's it.  I may/may not post some "discovery" links but the weather has left me with ZERO energy bars.

FAQ.

Here are some of the answers to questions I've been getting since the inaugural post of this blog.  

Q:  Why are you such a dork? (truth be told, this one is from my own sister)

A:  If the fact that I read real books and publications that are not chick lit or Cosmo makes me a dork, so be it.  Unfortunately I live in a state where the stereotype of beautiful women needing to be seen and not heard (while ugly women are forced to work in the bookstore/library/become 8th grade Algebra teachers) is perpetuated.  I do like to read.  I do like to see independent film.  I do not watch Fox News.  And yes, I enjoy the SciFi channel and horror movies.  And according to the people of this state, that makes me a dork/nerd/shrew/troll.

Q:  What the hell is John's deal?  What attracted you to him in the first place?

A:  John's "deal" is that he is a spoiled brat who doesn't like it when the women in his life (mom, sister, friend, ex-girlfriend) tell him he is an idiot.  He's insecure and hides it with the bravado usually reserved for hip-hop stars like Jay-Z.  That being said, he is a sweet lost little boy inside and he is very cute.  And he actually does like to learn new things and talk and try to help people whether they asked for his advice or not.  I don't know, he's kind of just like a mole that you get so used to you forget that it could be cancerous.  

Q: What is your religious affiliation?  I see you say you are an 'agnostic leaning towards atheism' on Facebook?

A:  Agnostic and always, always questioning everything.  Even when I was little.  I don't like to align myself with organized religion and I feel very suffocated inside a church (I subscribe to the theory that if there is a G-O-D he would rather be appreciated amongst his own creations rather than in a kiss-ass piece of architecture).  

Q:  Really, though, why are you so weird? (again from Lisa, my sister)

A:  I am not weird.  I'm eccentric and quirky and adorable.

Q:  So are you like some troll with no life in her parents' basement in her pajamas typing mean gossip on your blog?

A:  Actually, I think I am pretty attractive if I do say so myself.  Do I have a life?  That's debatable.  I go out and enjoy myself but I'm not a party girl (anymore).  There really isn't that much to do around here, though. Parents' basement?  Our basement is a scary, scary thing that I would imagine houses a crazy cannibal.  I stay in my area, he stays in his, and there are no problems.  As for my parents... well, having been divorced for many many years you can guess that they do not have a house together anymore. 

Q: Do you really have a job?

A: OF course I do.  Otherwise I wouldn't have this blog to keep me busy while I'm at it!

Q: You make it sound like Ohio is so isolated and backward.  Where do you live, exactly?

A:  I live in a lovely little town called Chesterland and it is in Geauga County.  This is the county immediately east of Cuyahoga County, where Cleveland is located and I spent a good portion of my life going to school.  Geauga County is mostly rural and includes small towns (like Chardon) as well as vast expanses of farm land (Amish country in Middlefield).  Most of Ohio is actually rural expanse like Geauga County.  What makes it interesting is the stark contrast in (this is why it is such a hotly contended for Battleground State) the inner-city populations of Cincinnati, Cleveland, and kind of Columbus (Columbus is actually a microcosm of its own with Ohio State).  We got it all here: backwards religious conservatives, mormons (Kirtland), rednecks, large Jewish populations, large Slavic and Russian populations, large African American populations, large Hispanic populations, young liberal college-educated elites, wealthy old money, wealthy new money, poverty, a booming crack-cocaine market, poor educational system, a failing industrial sector, a dirty polluted river that caught on fire, racial tension, and the ghosts of 4 dead college students from 1970.  And Lebron James.  It's pretty much a hodge-podge of political issues.  I love Ohio.

Q:  Why do you continue to give PVille guy the time of day? (this coming from a friend- actually all my friends)

A:  Because it is my gift and my curse to always see the good in people.  Even those that continue to walk on me and/or spew hate my way.   I think he is a really good guy and I think that he deserves better than what he has arguably accepted as his fate.  That being said, I do have my dignity and this blog and many, many of you making sure that I don't lose myself in this whole ordeal.  

Q: Do you have pets?

A: I do.  Oh, you want to know what kind?  I have a British bi-color blue named Sir Thomas of Chestershire (TomCat or TC for short).  He has six toes on each paw, which I guess is a breed standard.  He was a barn cat that my mother took in.  He has since become very accustomed to the indoor life.  And I have a lab named Lucky.  Well, lab/pit mix.  I saved him from a shelter. He has a gimp leg from a hit and run incident and abandonment issues.  He may or may not be mentally retarded as well.  He's 2 1/2.  They are my faithful companions and provide me with daily entertainment.  

Q: You need to do something with your life. (this one is from my ever-loving Dad who now resides in Scottsdale, AZ but was born in the projects in Boston).

A: That wasn't exactly a question as much of a statement.  Yes, I know I need to do something with my life.  In five years, I see myself doing exactly that: something. 

Ok, well if anyone wants to know anything else about me, you can email: carlyrowe@gmail.com or post your question in the comments.  

Add another to the list of losers... or not.

So PVille guy... WTF?  Oh my lawd, oh my lawd. W. T. F.  Last night we were doing our courtship dance via texts as usual.  (By the way, remind me to tell the story of how I met this one). Anyway, he asked the usual "Why do you like me?" and I said the usual "Because you're smart, nice, and cute."  And then I thought to myself, what the hell is his problem?  Why can't he jump on board the commitment train?  I am awesome and he sucks if he can't see that.  Girl power to me 21 hours ago.  So I texted back with "Why DON'T u like me?"  And the madder I got, the more I wanted to know.  "If you have something that you want, why don't you do something about it?"

So I waited for his response.  And waited.  And all the while I'm thinking, It's amazing that these life-changing important relationship milestones are being discussed via text messages.  Are real estate acquisitions and business transactions done this way now, too?  

Then it came.  The reason.  What I had been waiting to here for weeks from this guy.

"B4 u, there was someone else.  I'm still not over her.  I'm sorry 4 everything."

SO... you can imagine my response.

Sorry, it's just too easy nowadays.  So this then set off a rapid-fire of "inspired" texts to him ranging from the "I feel like a complete idiot" to the "I can't believe all the shit that I did for you" to the even more wicked "You aren't sorry, you are pathetic."

I'm not going to let someone walk all over me.  I'm a modern-day woman and I am strong.

Or so I thought until this morning.  I woke up and realized that this poor guy (and trust me, I'm still mad but hear me out) is really going through some shit right now.  To still be in love with some whore (or dare I say New FCOG- but she's an ex so it would be XFCOG and that's gonna be confusing) after a year... who wants nothing to do with him... and it's affecting a relationship with someone who he likes and could potentially have a decent thing going with... that's just really gotta suck.

So I did the only thing I know how to do when it comes to modern day romance communications.  I sent him a message on Facebook.  I can only imagine how life for Josephine and Napolean would have been if the 'Book existed back then.  I pretty much told him I was mad but that it's time for him to get over it and get out there and meet new people if he ever wanted to have something serious and meaningful again- it probably wouldn't be with me because I'm still simmering- but all the same, you have to live your own life.  This chick is not worth the internal strife if she can't see the good things I see (but seriously, I'm not a pushover).

I know, I'm so nice.  

So, I'm officially single.  And that's ok because I put together an agenda of what I'll be doing this weekend:

1. Go to movie theater and throw stuff at emo kids waiting in line to see "Twilight."

2. Read Revolutionary Road before Kate and Leo do it on the big screen.

3. Go on a road trip through Amish country (it's like 15 min from here) and take pictures like a tourist.  The cheese factory is off.the.hizzook.

4. Finally get around to throwing away the dead palmetto bug that my cat killed and I've been too grossed out/fascinated to pick it up and throw it away.  It currently resides on my living room floor, legs up.

5. Maybe go to the gym?  But probably not.

6. Make cupcakes. (Followed by the inevitable "Why the hell did I do this? WHO the HELL is going to eat all these cupcakes?)

7. Trace my hand and make the traditional turkey picture.

8. Make several copies of turkey and hang up around my kitchen.

9. Throw away the moldy jack-o-latern I carved for Halloween.  I was trying to make a statement art piece with it as it molded... but it smells.

And finally number 10:

Go to ModCloth.com and buy a dress that looks like Joan Halloway's on "Mad Men," get dolled up, and then walk around asking people for a light at one of our townie bars while I look for someone who looks like either Jon Hamm or John Slattery to take home (or Dr. Rapist, but really, I'd prefer one of the Johns).

I'll do one of these or most of these or all of these or none of these.  Either way, there will be pictures on Monday.  TTFN.

Quote.

"Even after all this time, The sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.'

Look what happens with a love like that - It lights the whole sky."

 -Hafiz.  Sufi Poet.

I really wanted to be angry today about a lot of things.  Then I read this quote. And somehow, it just made sense. I know this isn't zany like everything else I seem to do lately but it was a crazy morning... plus, he looks like the Persion Francis of Assisi in this picture (oh no, I didn't? oh YES, Catholics, I DID).

 

You can learn more about this Iranian poet here.

#30. The thirty things you should be looking at.

This is my thirtieth blog post on "AISTYH2"!!!  To celebrate, I thought I would bring your attention to thirty things that I think are worth paying attention to.  You may disagree, you may stop reading this blog after this, but I thought it would be fun and easy and I'm a little bored.  If anyone has any idea how to find a hotel room in DC for inauguration weekend, I know my boss would appreciate it.  These are numbered, but in no specific order of importance.  They are all pretty rad.  Yes, I said rad.

1. "Mad Men" on AMC.  Although season 2 is over now.  You can catch up on your cable company's OnDemand for free.  It is so wonderfully amazing that I cannot put it into words effectively so I will only make a feeble attempt: 1960s, Ad Agency, Don Draper, Dames were Dames, Men were Men.

2.  Reading.  And not "books by Stephanie Meyer" reading.  REAL reading.  Since when does a book have to be poorly written and have teen vampires in it to be good?  Since never, that's when.  So do yourself a favor and scroll down the list to see some of my book suggestions.

3.  EmmyBlotnick.com.  I'm not posting a link, you have to type it into your browsers, lazies.  I wish that I was friends with this girl (but alas, she is too cool).  She cracks me up.

4.  KateBeaton.com.  Cartoons for the smart.  Not for the "Lame at Heart." A favorite includes cat Garfield, James Garfield, and an assassination.  SPOILER ALERT: one of them dies.

5.  Magnetic Fields.  It's the way pop should sound, ranging from the melancholic broken heart nostalgic ballad ("Take Ecstasy With Me") to the revenge break-up gay love affair song ("I Thought You Were My Boyfriend").  And I love it all.

6. Lady GaGa.  You will see her picture and go, "Oh, that's Xtina Aguilera."  And I will say "No, no it is not."  Essential New York club music- picture Blake Lively and Leighton Meister dancing to this at some pretentious club that LiLo goes to and scribbles mean things about ScarJo on the walls.  You can imagine that this music is not very popular out here in the MidWest.

7. "Spaced."  This is pretty popular (in England)... but my guess is that whoever reads this hasn't actually watched it.  So put it in your Netflix queue.  It's Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and some appearances by the "Shaun of the Dead" peeps before there was a Shaun and an Ed.  There are only 14 episodes people, I think you can handle it.

8. "Suspiria."  Dario Argento is the master of Italian Horror.  I don't know why I like this movie so much, probably for the same reasons I like cotton candy.  

9.  "La Dolce Vita."  Another Italian movie, this one by "FeFe" Fellini.  It's just so beautiful, even in black and white.  And some of the most adoring lines directed towards a woman on film are said during the scene where Anita Eckberg is dancing in the fountain while Mostrianni watches her. (also, it is where we got the term 'Paparazzi' from... which is also coincidentally the title of a Lady GaGa song).

10.  SkyMall.  Not to be confused with SkyNet from "Terminator" movies.  SkyMall is the magazine catalog that is the only option (other than the safety brochure) to read on a plane unless you were smart (not me, ever) and brought your own book.  It's really funny to look up unnecessary items like a soda fountain... FOR YOUR GOLF BAG.  Or sterile, rust free, air free tent.  For your PORSCHE.  

11. Thai food.  I know this isn't technically one of the world's little-known secrets. But dammit if it ain't so so so good.  Plus, I live in rural Ohio so it kinda is an exotic luxury (plus, PVille guy likes it a lot).  

12. Special Topics in Calamity Physics.  This is good writing about teenagers.  Interesting and intriguing and ambiguous... meaning: I had no clue WTF was going on in some places and I never really did find out what happened.  But it's fun to play "Who would play Blue Van Meer in the movie?  Who would play Gareth?  Or Hannah?  Or Jade?" (and my answers are Leighton Meister, Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz, and Amanda Seyfreid- we'll see if Hollywood pays attention).  

13. Books by CJ Box.  Ok, this is what's going to happen.  You are going to go to the bookstore and find his books and be like "What?  Why this guy?"  Truth be told, I have only just started reading his first book.  HOWEVER.  He came all the way from East BFE, Wyoming to lil' ol' Geauga County, Ohio to talk to a bunch of crazy fans on Saturday night- I was there.  I figure that counts for something.  Probably the coolest person I've ever met from Wyoming, too.  And completely the opposite of everything I know and stand for... but, still.  I liked him.  

14. The Kite Runner.  It's by Khaled Hosseini.  There's a movie.  It's tragic and hurts your heart to read but I figure with events as they are in the world today, we could do with some empathy for our fellow man.  It's worth a look.  He also wrote A Thousand Splendid Suns.  Also good.

15.  Anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, by Chuck Klosterman.  If it is Pop Culture you seek, you will get it and then some with every piece of witty observation he writes.

16.  LASER TAG.

17.  ExecutedToday.com.  Because it is just so fascinating.  Pretty much what the title says it is, this blog posts who got killed by the State today in history.  And how (that's my favorite part, the how, because I like gruesomeness).  

18.  "There Will Be Blood."  Should have one the Oscar for Best Picture last year, but I was happy with DDL taking home the Best Actor prize.  For as much press as it got (even an SNL parody, too) it still did not make a lot of money.  Trust me when I tell you, it's the most incredible and "quietly intense" (how's that for an oxymoron?) movie you will ever see.  And of course the "I drink your milkshake" scene doesn't exactly suck either.  This movie is the sole reason why after every argument I declare "I'M FINISHED."

19.  Coen Brothers marathon.  Ok, I don't hate the Coen Brothers (as insinuated in above statement).  I really liked "No Country For Old Men" and I really, really liked how I was the only person in the theater actually laughing (because for as much as it was touted as a thriller, it was pretty funny).  So go to your local Blockbuster and rent:  "Blood Simple," "Raising Arizona," "Fargo," "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" (my favorite Coen Bros. film), and "No Country."  Fans would say to get "The Big Lebowski" as well... and I like it too but it took me three viewings to actually get.

20.  "The Serpent and the Rainbow."  I don't know why, but I was obsessed with this movie when I was younger.  Something about going on a trip and turning into a Zombie and it's just INSANE.

21.  "The Lost Boys." My favorite eighties movie.  Jason Patric when he was hot.  Jami Gertz when she was hot.  Kiefer before Jack Bauer.  Dianne Weistt and Edward Hermann (Herman Munster!).  

22.  "Six Feet Under: The Final Season."  One of my favorite shows of all time and the season that would end it all... and I really do mean end it all, especially for poor Nate.  The last moments show each character at the time of their future death.  It made me a little mad (Keith) and it made me really happy (Claire).  On DVD. 

23. "Less Than Zero" movie and Less Than Zero book.  Two very very different interpretations of the same Christmas break in LA.  The movie is my second favorite eighties movie (RDowney JR. and Gertz are STUNNING) and the book is just disturbing.  Makes you feel bad for rich kids. ALMOST.  Written by Bret Easton Ellis at age 21.  Taken from Elvis Costello song.

24.  "Brokedown Palace" and "Return to Paradise."  Pretty much the same lesson: don't smoke pot/smuggle pot/trust strangers in Thailand.  They both have pretty crappy endings... one a little more tragic then the other.  Claire Danes/Kate Beckinsale when they were young and Vince Vaughn/Anne Heche before he got fat and she went gay with Ellen.  And Joaquin before he weirded out.

25.  DeusExMalcontent.com.  I promised not to make this blog politically biased.  Him I can't speak for.  And his bebe is soooo cute.

26.  "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves."  It's really kinda sad that I love this movie so much.  Kevin Costner doesn't attempt to do a British accent and it is slightly historically inaccurate.  But it does include this exchange:  "Do it for your country."  "No." Cut to Costner looking confused.  Cut back to Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.  "I'll do it... for you." Cue orchestral Bryan Adams song.  And then a blind guy saying this: "He fancies you.  I may be blind, my lady, but somethings I can see." And a tear falls. PLUS: Morgan Freeman, voice of God and the Angels, is in it.

27.  McDonald's Snackers.  Yeah, yeah.  I know McDonald's is the root of evil, the flagship symbol of capitalist pig America.  But you gotta hand it to Morgan Spurloch.  After "Supersize Me," the chain made every possible effort to make its menu healthier for kids.  They took the fries option out of Happy Meals, increased their Salad Menu, and introduced us to these suckers.  The Snacker.  MMMMMM.  It's not a BigMac, but it won't clog your arteries either.

28. "30 Days."  Speaking of Spurloch, this show is just awesome in a day where this country has never been more divided.  It lives out the message "Put yourself in my shoes."  

29.  Molson Canadian Beer.  For their labels alone, but also they taste pretty good (named best beer by "Men's Health Magazine") on a cold Ohio night when you really begin to understand how close you actually are to Canada.  Also, dares to ask the question: would you rather have a dirty-mouthed sailor or a blind monkey?  It's as much as a conversation piece as that pretentious MoMA lampshade you just bought. 

30.  Really pretentious fixtures for your home by MoMA.  I couldn't help myself. They are pretty sweet.

That's it for today and possibly the week.  It wore me out a little.

Comics for big kids.

Go immediately to http://www.katebeaton.com.  I promise you will not regret it.

The showdown...

So, there was an interesting exchange of text messages between me and the FCOG yesterday.  I realize now that I have to change her pseudonym, seeing that she actually is a decent human being.  I probably should get rid of the "white trash slut" remark in my bio, too.  Dammit, I'm going soft.

Anyway, it started out pretty bad.  Of course, I had no choice but to debrief her about all of the conversations between John and I after she had placed a ban on him talking to me.  It was a low move,  but this is war.  And then she did this:

HER:  Btw. im not a mean person the only reason i text u earlier is cuz he said u were talkin shit about me in emails.i have no hate towards u at all. sorry if it came off that way. i just really want to believe what he tells me. ireally do hope u have a good life n find someone that makes u happy.

What the hell?  She really is nice.  She's like Kimmy (Cameron Diaz) in "My Best Friends Wedding" and I'm like glorious Julia Roberts as Julie Ann.  Annoyingly perfect, because there is nothing annoying about her.  Creme brule vs. Jell-O all the way.  So I had  no choice but to do this:

ME: I wasn't talking shit [FCOG- who really is not that bad],  i feel horrible about the things i've said about u [like you're an unfit mother, white trash, etc.]. I just want him to make sure he is making the rite decision.  4 the both of u.  John is essentially a good person but i do feel you know only half of what we have talked about.he really likes u and i told him if that meant we couldn't talk ne more then i was ok with that.i think he is rushing into it and that is nothing against u. he is stressd and confusd but he does love u.  he does have a bad side that i hope u never see and i really want him to be happy and u 2.  As 4 me i do have someone but not serious right now.  I'm trying to focus on career. So i send u good will and someday this will blow over and u will see i'm not a crazy bitch.

I don't know how many times I need to express the fact that I. GIVE. UP.  Leave me alone, now, and let me spend the winter in peace with my books.

Mail call!

So PVille guy doesn't think he's ready for a relationship.  Seeing that I don't take no for an answer and I especially do not like cop-out excuses like "I'm just not ready," I thought I would send him a little Facebook message.  The following is a demand to explain himself.  I know it's a little obsessive and neurotic to stalk him down like this... but we have a weird dynamic when it comes to stalking.  And I just am stubborn as a mule when it comes to guys being an idiot. Readers may suggest me purchasing the popular "He's Just Not that Into You."  Except... that's not entirely true either (because I put him on the spot about that one and let's just say, he didn't get all soft on me. HeHe.)  So, I give you correspondence with PVille Guy:

"so, i was thinking. i really don't understand "not ready for a relationship"? could you expand on that please? you'll probably ignore this message like you ignored my texts. that's fine. just something to think about. is it that you think you'll hurt me? eh, you've already done that. can't do much more damage. is it that i'll hurt you? well, everything in life runs the risk of being dangerous but you don't avoid getting in your car when its raining, right? are you afraid i'll be disappointed because you can't spend time with me? we've already been through this. i can handle it now. once a week or once every 2 weeks, and i'm good. you don't want to spend money on me? ok, i'm cheap. i already give it up without a date and i'm used to not getting gifts/being taken out from previous suitors. i'm actually easier than you think... i like watching movies and hanging out and making dinner more than i like going to bars. so i know it isn't about me, and it's most likely about you... i just don't understand cliches like "not ready for a relationship." they're too general. there has to be a specific reason.. do you have a secret life? that's it! you really are a bar tender at an S&M club... well... i think i could overlook that. :) you probably look really hot in leather chaps... smile. it's a good day. :)"

- from me. november 17, 2008.

At the movies!

So, seeing that my popularity with the opposite sex has dipped to new lows (at least with the ones I know), I figured I might as well just accept my fate of being a winter shut-in.  So I rented a movie last night and found out it isn't so bad.  A lot of people live and die by their Netflix subscription.  The movie?  "Iron Man."  I was pleasantly surprised.  It was nice to see Robert Downey, Jr. not looking like a strung out junkie.  So it got me thinking, what movies would I suggest to others in my current situation that would make them feel better?   Here are the classics that I think are worth viewing in times like these.

"Titanic"- Ok, I know you're thinking "But isn't that like one of the greatest love stories of all time?"  And maybe you're right.  But I like to think of it this way:  Jack and Rose never had a future.  His intention was always to woo her, steal her jewels and leave her high and dry when they arrived at New York.  Love on cruise ships always has its expiration date.  Sure that handsome stranger is fun the first day, second day, third day... but by the fourth day, you almost want an iceberg to intervene.  Bonus points for being able to say, after three hours and fourteen minutes, "Well hey, at least I didn't drown in the North Atlantic.  My life really doesn't suck."

"Dumb and Dumber"- This is the pinnacle of childishness in cinema.  Lloyd and Harry are really the only two friends you ever need to make you laugh.  It's the Farrelly Bros before they got all arrogant after making "There's Something About Mary."  While it was more popular, "Dumb and Dumber" still stands to be the better of the two in my opinion.  It's premise is simple: two idiots in search of a better life.  Besides, if my pets' heads ever start "falling off," you can bet I'm headed for Assssspen on my Vespa.  

"Bridget Jones' Diary"- "Another love story?" you say.  Yes, but a love story about a drunk, frumpy, sad British woman who has two hot sexy British men (Colin Firth and Hugh Grant... meeeow) going crazy (and ultimately leading to one of the most gratuitous fight scenes EVER).  Plus there's life lessons and you can't help but love her loyal friends who like her just the way she is.  It's motivational!  Plus, I think I can relate to just about every scene on some level or another.

ANY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER MADE and here's why:  1.  At least you don't have to run away from  your dead best friend.  2.  At least you'll never have to shoot your dead mum.  3.  At least you'll never get stuck in a mall while waiting for your impending doom.  Life starts to look kinda nice.  Not to mention, every zombie movie has an essential disembowelment scene that is perfect for projecting the face of your ex on (see Rhodes, original "Dawn of the Dead").  

Other good ones:

"Cabin Fever."  If you are in a very disturbed mood, and you like unnecessary carnage, I would go with this one.  Especially for you wounded guys out there.  A girl gets her face eaten off by a dog.

"Kill Bill, 1 and 2."  It's violent.  It's Quentin.  It's Uma.  It's AWWWWESOME.  And it delivers on the promise it makes.  It's not really a spoiler, Bill dies.  But he's like the baddest baddie of all the evil ex's.  As much animosity as John has for me right now, he would never shoot me (my fiance, his friends, family, and priest) at my wedding while I was preggers with his kid.

"Hot Fuzz." Because I love Simon Pegg and any unnecessary violence that pokes fun at hack of hacks Michael Bay (you ain't seen Bad Boys 2?)  Love. It.

I don't suggest:

"Notting Hill," anything with Julia Roberts, "The Notebook," or "Say Anything."  Or anything else that induces tears.  

Until next time... adios.  I'll see you.... AT THE MOVIES.

You've got mail.

"Its not even like that.. were on the same page all the time.like tonigt allwe didwas han.g out at her house and watch cavs while she squeeze blqck heaqds out of my nose. She takes great care of me and doesn't expect me to be his dad. Although Someone needs to step up and be a positive male role model for him and im willing to do that. What could u think shes using me for? Money? No someone to spend her time with? Yes and possibly share our lives together. I found my perfect match my solemate! Btw im getting half rent and utilities paid too. Beneficial to us both.. U see give and take. {FCOG} is a class act. So what she has a kid shes not the only one! The way I see her take car of him makes me wish she had my son... Shes a once in a lifetime opportunity. And I love her so much its unbeliveable....

-response email from John. (from yesterday, 11/13/08)

I really don't know whether to be grossed out by this or to laugh...

Classics in viral videos.

Whenever you are feeling sad, just know that you can still connect with strangers one on one. This is one of my favorite virals EVER.

Well, this lasted all of five minutes...

So, despite a proposed moratorium on saying mean things about the FCOG, I just couldn't resist today.  See now a lovely conversation via texts with my ex-best friend (because, really, at this moment I'm just more annoyed than anything else).

ME:  :( hey.  have a good day.

HIM: :) turn that frown upside down girl.

ME: (Forwarded message from PVille Guy).  It's been a rough week.

HIM: Drop this fag and get a new guy.

and here's where it went bad...

HIM: Trust me it's worth the wait ;)

So, I admit I should have probably just smiled and said... "Yeah I know."  But, as we all know, I couldn't let that one go.

ME: So I was the crap you had to go through to find Princess Bitch? Thanks.

HIM: Bye.

HIM: You take everything the wrong way.

ME: Really, how was I suppose to take that?  Sorry, I just don't feel like feeling bad about myself today.

HIM: Just be happy, it's so much better when your happy.  I'm moving in with her at the beginning of the year.

ME:  Well, that's the end of us then.  We can't be friends.  She won't let that happen.  So here are my parting words: U r ruining ur life.

HIM: Get over urself.  U ruin ur life by not being happy.

ME:  Don't call me when the shine gets dull and the tarnish shows and u  hate the position u r in.

HIM: I love the position I'm in.

HIM: I don't have to fight to get along with this girl.

ME: Get over URSELF.  U think ur so high and mighty because u have a charity case gf.  Ur pretending to be Prince Charming and its gonna get old.  And u know it.

ME: And PS, we wouldnt have fought so much if u had been a decent human being to me when we dated.

HIM: Ur just jealous that ur alone and i found a keeper.

ME: Ok bye.

ME: And PS, you didn't find a keeper- you found a clinger.  have fun w all that.

I'm SOOOOOO OVER THIS!!!!!* I want to through this nice computer out the window into oncoming traffic on Chagrin Road, go mow down some pedestrians in the Falls, and burn every picture I have of us.  This is like a tumor that has grown teeth and will not go away no matter how much I will it to.  It's a monster tumor.  Named John-COG.  

*I apologize for the gratuitous use of punctuation usually reserved for the diaries of 14 year old girls (aka "Twilight"s core audience).

Cali freedom?

Politics has been banned from the dinner table at my grandparents' home.  Only because usually it starts with just an innocent conversation-starter and ends with my grandpa slamming his fist down and my mother saying "Why do we have to talk about this?" and my grandma rolling her eyes with me.  I should tell you that my grandma, a long time teacher, is a democrat while my grandfather... is not.  He served his country and he's lived through enough for me to know that he is entitled to his opinions (especially having paid taxes for over 2x longer then I've been alive).

Which is why I cautiously brought up Prop 8 last night over chicken orzo.  

My grandparents had voted early because they were going to be off the grid visiting my aunt and uncle down in Texas so they still hadn't even seen all the results from Ohio and since 8 was a California issue, they had never even heard of it.

Careful not to inject my political views, I explained that it meant gay men and women were no longer able to be married.

"Where they ever?" my grandpa asked, inquisitively.

"Well yeah.  And then some people didn't like that and brought the issue back to the ballot."

"Oh."  He was quiet.  My grandma could tell that he was still working this out in his head and explained what she knew about it.  

"They were allowed to and then some conservatives thought it wasn't right so they brought a proposition to amend the previous decision," she told him.

He thought about it a little more and then said, "Well that's just not right.  They gave them something, freedom, and then just took it away.  That's just not right."  And a simpler explanation I couldn't have asked for.

That's exactly what happened.  I read comments on one of my favorite politiblogs discussing this issue, one of them saying "we might as well have turned the hoses and dogs on the Castro." Once again, there is a second class in this country.  And it's just not right.

I have a sweatshirt from Hollister (stop laughing, it's the only thing I own from there).  It says "Cali Freedom" embroidered on the back.  I liked it because that's pretty much what I always thought about of California.  Sun, sand, waves, freedom.  Guess not.

If my 78 year old grandpa, who gave service to this country and is one of its most loyal supporters, can see that this (Prop 8) is wrong.  My grandfather! A church going conservative.  Then my question is this:

What kind of crack are half the voters in California smoking?

If I was a gay person in Cali right now, I'd have to agree with Melissa Etheridge:

"Okay, so I am taking that to mean I do not have to pay my state taxes because I am not a full citizen. I mean that would just be wrong, to make someone pay taxes and not give them the same rights, sounds sort of like that taxation without representation thing from the history books."- from Melissa Etheridge's blog.

TO CALIFORNIANS FOR PROP 8: Be careful what you wish for.  I think it is shooting yourself in the foot to deny liberties to a very large, influential population of your state.  

But that's just me.  I'm from Ohio.  What do I know?

(I'll get down off my soap box now... but just one more thing: it's really not a question of gay rights vs. morality as everyone is making it to be.  It's the fact that a group of people that do not share the same opinions as a majority of this country just dictated the rights and future for another group.  And I think there is something fundamentally wrong with that.  The fabric of society will not unravel because two men can get married.  We do not live in a democracy, the people do not rule.  We live in a Republic and we elect people wiser than us to protect and represent those who need it.  That's what my grandfather, your grandfather, and others before us fought and still fight to protect.).

New Gap Ads...

Ok... I lied.  I just visited "Best Week Ever" and found plenty to be excited about.  Just look at the new Gap ads!!  My all-time favorites put their spin on Gap's Christmas MadLibs.  Jason Suedekis would like to "LIGHT YOUR OWN... house on fire" while Fred Armisen suggests you "VISIT YOUR OWN... stalker."

Then, there is gorgeous Kevin Volchik-er-Cam Giga I-don't-know. Wearing a winter hat.  I want to stare at this boy for hours on end.  Along with ads from Don Draper (Jon Hamm, the next Clooney) and Jason Bateman and offspring, this is by far the best ad campaign. Ever.  Even better then SJP dancing to Lenny Kravitz.

YOU MUST GO NOW: http://www.bestweekever.tv/2008/11/11/heres-some-holiday-magic-for-your-eye-holes/

For the love of God and all that is Christmas... it's a.ma.zing.

Wasting time.

So, I'm really out of material today. John and I had another heart to heart last night (much to my chagrin, it was during "How I Met Your Mother") but really it was just more of the same from Sunday. Not to mention, it was a very private conversation between two people who have been through a battle and carry the wounds. Meaning, unless you were there, you don't know. So, I decided to go for an old fall back created by Bernard Pivot, but more widely known because of James Lipton on "Inside the Actor's Studio." Asked of some of the most brilliant minds and actors of a generation, here is my response to Le Bouillon de Culture Questionnaire.

What is your favorite word? Beautiful

What is your least favorite word? No

What turns you on creatively, spiritually or emotionally? Blind and fiery passion

What turns you off? idiocy

What is your favorite curse word? FUCK- very versatile (I know that Ben Affleck or Matt Damon had the same response, but I don't care)

What sound or noise do you love? engines running, blades against ice during hockey, a good punch connecting with a jawline, a bat connecting with a ball headed for a homerun, a tennis ball swishing over the net

What sound or noise do you hate? static, white noise... and my alarm clock

What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? swordfish boat captain.  it looks like the most amazing adventure ever.  until a big wave drowns you and your crew.  then it probably sucks. ("the grand banks are no joke in octowbah.")

What profession would you not like to do? president of the united states... or telemarketer.

If Heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? what would i like to hear or what will i hear? i would like to hear "good to see you, your friends and family are waiting in the back." but what will i hear? "um, are you sure you're suppose to be here? how do you spell that name again?"

And there you go.

Whirling Dervish.

So, I just thought that I would explain the concept behind Whirlyball since I mentioned it in my post from yesterday. I'm not sure how many there are nationally, but I do know that WhirlyBall is an up and coming "indoor sport" in the midwest (we have six months of winter here, what do you expect?). Specifically, Chicago and Cleveland. If you go to an official website, they basically introduce it like this:

"Agility. Speed. Strength. None of these qualities will be of any use in the highly competitive world of WhilrlyBall. Although it combines lacrosse, hockey and basketball with bumper cars, WhirlyBall has caused great athletes of every stripe to laugh and holler their way to a crushing defeat." (Basically, if you are just another average midwesterner (read: morbidly obese and otherwise uncoordinated), you finally get to even the playing field with all those athletic types).

WhirlyBall combines bumper cars with lacrosse, basketball, little bit of hockey, and soccer. You have a scoop and a whiffle ball and the goal is to either hit the backboard of the same color as your car (2 pts) or get it in the net (4 pts). Pretty easy, right? WRONG. This game is HARD. Not only do you have to figure out how to maneuver your car (which has a one hand steering device, wheel), you have to be able to catch the ball and get it down the court. You can only hold it for 20 seconds so passing becomes another obstacle. Any penalties in delay of game or fouling cost 4 points to the other team. (See demonstration by Death Cab above).

So on Sunday, I joined some friends from work and their families to play this raucous game. I had seen it before- an old boyfriend of my mother's was on a league when I was probably 13 or 14. I figured I could do this. I didn't have to run (which I hate), I just had to steer (which I can do with my car... how hard could this be?). Considering most of the 13 minute game I was trying to figure out how to back up as I got stuck in a corner and then when I finally had the ball, I couldn't get out before my twenty seconds... I'm gonna go ahead and say that I sucked.

So that's why I thought laser tag would be more fun. I had played before... it used to be a hot spot for the stoners and the bad kids during high school and I made my appearance a few times. Of course, this was like 10 years ago. So I suited up with 15 other people, about 8 of them under 10. Not only did I get my ass kicked, I got shot down by a 5 year old. He was insane! Every time I thought I had a good place to hide, my vest would light up. Who was this phantom assassin? It took me about 8 minutes to realize I was getting shot up from below by a misleadingly innocent operative, code name: Lucca. And he wasn't all stealthy, either, like James Bond or Ethan Hunt. No, Lucca used more of a Scarface method (pretty much running forward with his finger on the trigger, laughing maniacally as he mowed down rival gang members). I came to the conclusion that there is definitely a problem with our kids being exposed to too much violence.

It wasn't until I saw the results and realized that I had shot none and been shot 48 times that I thought about sticking to tennis if I wanted an indoor sport. At least on that court I get to be the crazy one.

The last straw...

And if all of this with John and the FCOG hasn't been enough...

TODAY I FOUND A GRAY HAIR ON MY HEAD.

I feel like William Shatner in "Star Trek II"... "KHAAAAAAAAAAAAN!!!!" 

(Yes, I've seen it.  I admit to having seen all "Star Trek"s and "Star Wars"s and liking sci-fi.  It is a guilty pleasure of this girl as much as "Gossip Girl" is... so deal. I can't help that my father was a nerd.  Just don't get me going on "Lord of the Rings" because I won't shut up.  I'm not a nerd, really, I just know my pop culture.)

A late night appeal.

"Hey."

It was the first word he had spoken to me in a week that wasn't in anger.  Last night at 11:00 my phone rang.  John's name was on the caller ID.  I debated about picking it up.  

"Hi."

For a moment, we said nothing.  I was afraid to talk, afraid he was about to start yelling at me again for God knows what this time.  

"How are you?"

So I told him about Laser Tag and Whirly Ball and Asshole and Cheney and how I really liked the people I went out with yesterday and how I drank maybe a little too much.  There was another pause.

"I'm scared."

And because I'm a good friend, I knew I had to listen.  So I let him talk about how nervous he was that things were going so fast and how, since October 15, he'd manage to see this girl every single day except for two.  How he loved her already.  How he thought she was the one.  

And because I'm a good friend, I told him to be happy.  I told him to go into it with his whole heart and be a good man.  That's really all I ever wanted for him anyway.  I told him that things are good now, but they won't always be.  And when they aren't, it will suck and it will hurt but that he will get over it.  If she's this important, he'll find away to make it work.

Then he said something that I never thought he would say.  "I want to move in with her."

Now, I don't have to know this girl to know this is a bad idea.  Anyone reading this can see this is not a good idea.  But he's a fool in love and he's my friend.  So I politely expressed my opinion (all the while wanting to scream "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!?!") and explained delicately that babies are fun when you can put them down and go home and that living with someone is not the same as just staying at their house every night.  It's a lot of pressure.  "Are you ready to be a father?"  He didn't say anything.

So we changed the topic of conversation and moved on to lighter things.  Like Christmas presents and other things to that nature...  and it was just nice to know that he still thought my opinion mattered.

Eventually, we were too tired to talk.  We said our goodbyes and for the first time, I was ok with that.  If that was the last conversation we ever have, I would be ok.  John and I were never "the one" for each other.  I always knew that.  It doesn't mean that I would ever stop caring about him, or he for me.  I realized that whatever end-game I had in this whole situation was never going to end up with us going back to the way things were.  I had to accept that.  We were lucky to be close as long as we were.  Exs rarely stay friends, it's just a part of life.

"So, I wish you the best in your life.  You need to do everything possible to make this work with her, you deserve it.  And I deserve to give every chance and my whole heart to someone else.  I need to figure out my life without you in it," was really the only thing left to say.  And I said it.  

It's scary and it's a new beginning at the same time.  I'm kind of excited.