Dream a Dream (and what you'll see will be).

HOLY CRAP.  Seriously, this no less than the third time "The Neverending Story" has come into my life this week. I cannot explain the ire I have after reading this.  Like "WHY THE FUCK DOES HOLLYWOOD RUIN EVERYTHING I GREW UP WITH" mad.  The only only only way this could possibly work is if the guy who did "Hellboy" gets all his "Pan's Labyrinth" weirdos on it.  Otherwise, just don't do it.  Seriously, what is with this town's infatuation with resurrecting things? There is dignity in death!  I realize dignity is one thing Hollywood doesn't really value, but COME ON!  Leave it alone.

What made this movie so great was the fact that it is so weird.  Weirdness, mind you, that cannot be replicated by a big studio budget of today.  I just have this awful feeling that it will be sanitized and starring someone like Drake Bell as Atreyu.  

So, that's the only time I'm going to show my true dork colors this week.

Read this article and get angry.

On a lighter note, Ang Lee is going to direct "Life of Pi," my favorite book ever.  So when I get really pissed off about the previous atrocity, I will think of this to calm me down.

Betcha thought I would do an Oscar post...

... but you were wrong (I hated the Oscars last night and fell asleep during them for the first time ever- but I did try to make a real time blog, I just got bored). Anyway, I will have my grandparents lovable and hilarious comments on the occasion later in the week. If you really need Oscar, go to Pajiba or Deus Ex Malcontent. Those are funny.

Instead, with 1 month to go until the dreaded 2-6, I would like to post random birthday cakes that amuse me.

(Debbie Does Cakes)

Aaaaaaand that's about it.

(I would like to have it brought out to me by a guy in a Doc Brown costume. Or, you know, Christoper Lloyd since he's not doing too much these days.)

Amazing.

So I got to work horribly early this morning and in my half-awake/"why-the-fuck-am-i-here-right-now" state, I came across this quote on Alex Blagg's blog. (Alex, as you will read on his blog, used to write for Best Week Ever tv.)

"When I die, someone had better fucking BLAST this at my funeral (it’s only meant to be played at the highest possible volume).

As you listen to it, try to think of me on the bow of a small yacht, flying across the Miami shoreline, high on cocaine and shooting an Uzi into the air while screaming at the top of my lungs."

I'm still in the throws of giggle fits.  If you grew up with this movie like I did, you get it.  And after the horrible few days I have just had- this is the best thing ever.  Hands down.

UPDATE: I just came back to listen to this song again.  And again.  I have to say, picturing myself in Alex's fantasy- AWESOME.  

Only the Lonely.

Happy Valentine's Day, Romantics!

So, I'm thinking I should probably recap my Valentine's Day for those of you who are curious. (It did NOT include me giving the masterpiece of a mixed CD to PVille Guy.)

It actually started with me getting d-runk, t-rashed, and other such variations of the word, while bowling in Parma. Yes, Parma. For those not in the know (international friends), Parma is pretty much the Ohio equivalent to... um... Chino. I hate to go all OC here, but I would never- NEVER- date someone from Parma- or Chino. Pretty much all of the westside of the Cleve (with the exception of Lakewood) is just a waste of space. Ohio ends at Cleveland for me. (But what about Cedar Point you say? I don't consider that part of Ohio, really.) Anyway, I could go on and on and on about how much I detest Parma and how the eastside of Ohio is the lesser of the two evils (Ohio is just lame all around).

Aaaaaaanyway, I realized that I was the cutest person at the bowling alley. This was a double-edged sword. Great because everyone needs to feel like they're the hottest in the room at least once in their life, not so great because there was not really any one worth my time and effort there (think the cast of "Napolean Dynamite). Of course this led to the increased imbibing of several drinks- including a standby man for any girl, Jose Cuervo.

None of this is relevant if not for the Cuervo that led to the Horrible Hangover of 2009. Not only was I wishing for death, I was hoping it would be quick and painless- like death by French Swordsman or something.  Of course, the days you wish that you were laying in bed relaxing/recovering are always the days before you have twenty of your mother's closest AA friends coming over for a brunch.  

I made cookies and cake and not once did I think of how sad it is that I would be sharing these not with a sig-o*, but a group of recovering alcoholics (actually, on second thought, they probably appreciated it a lot more than a guy would anyway).  

And yes, I did watch Romantic "Girl with unrealistic job and salary meets guy with unrealistic job and salary in New York city and then fall in love, but wait! there's a problem, but no- they're ok because now they're running toward each other on a street" Comedies.  "Must Love Dogs," "Somethings Gotta Give" (really disturbing for younger people, by the way. I had nightmares of Jack Nicholson wanting to date me.), and "How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days" (the most annoying, by far).  Oddly enough, by the end of all of this, I was actually NOT curled up in the fetal position and singing "All By Myself" on the floor.

It was weird.  Because, really, I didn't feel anything.  Not upset or angry or sad.  Hungover, yes, but other than that pretty damn good.  It was like a reassuring "You're gonna be ok" from some unseen voice somewhere.  And gosh darnit, I was!

Why can't they make a movie like that?  Girl with realistic job, crap car, and underpaid salary meets guy with too many issues to count, falls in love, he breaks her heart, she realizes she's ok- no running toward each other on the street.  The end.  Roll credits.  I can understand why the "Friday the 13th" remake did so well this weekend, I guess.  Guy meets girl, guy kills girl, guy kills another girl.  It's the same idea.

For next year, or really any time that you feel the need to immerse yourself in that lovey-dovey feeling, skip the Matthew McC/Goldie Hawn's daughter drivel and go for "Say Anything."  You will love it and respect yourself in the morning.  And that right there reminded me that there's still hope for finding a real Lloyd Dobler.

*Significant other. 

Horror: The Remix.

Everybody (and by that I mean every self-proclaimed expert on any give subject) has a rant lately. Since politics, Obama's family, the job market, and the Economic Stimulus package are all taken, I would like to go off about a not as important but just as prevalent topic:

Horror movie remakes.

I know I could tell you about my adventures of the last week (singing Mr. Big to a sports bar full of white trash stereotypes while flirting with a girl- yes a girl- and wondering if I might have this whole guy thing entirely wrong) or my list of things I'm going to do the next four days in Beantown. But I'd rather do this and it's my blog. If you're bored, you can go somewhere else.

Inspired by both the thirtieth viewing of Michael Bay's newest remake "Friday the 13th" and an article by the wise talent of Pajiba.com, I realized that we are quickly becoming a generation of remakes and remixes and unoriginality. But before I get to that conclusion, let me tell you why I'm so peeved at horror movies in particular. 

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "The Amityville Horror," "The Hills Have Eyes," "Friday the 13th," "Halloween," and the upcoming "Last House on the Left" have all been totally redone. "Christine" is also on it's way too. Now, I'm not sure exactly as to the why but I think it's cheaper and therefore guaranteed profit at the box office- but I could be wrong. I'm not a movie producer- I'm a respectable human being.

I've seen all the originals. They're good. Of course they aren't OSCAR good but that's because they are an entirely different category of film making and therefore have their own rules and standards, etc. Cheap thrills, guts and blood, tits and ass. Whatever. One thing they aren't: pretty. Even the film that they are shot on is old (because this new shit wasn't available back then) and there was no such thing as IMAX or HiDef. They are sickening and hard to watch. You are discomforted by it. I never thought that evisceration could be pretty anyway.

And then I saw the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." And Jessica Beil running around, still looking hotter covered in blood than I ever will. I thought "Damn, this is gross but there's something not right... it feels..." And the word I was looking for was contrived. All remakes feel contrived. Because it's already been done and some hack in Hollywood wants to do it all again to make a quick buck (I think, like I said, I'm not sure).

One of my favorite stupid things Bravo ever did was a list of the top 100 scariest films of all time.  I thought it was a pretty cool waste of time back in school because it a)it was five hours long and when you're hungover on a Saturday, you don't really care and b) included movies I had never even heard of before.  One of those films was "Last House on the Left."  Wes Craven explained that as a peace-loving hippie, he felt the best way to make an anti-violence film was to make violence so revolting that no one would want to do it.

Cut to a week ago when I saw the flashy new trailer for the remake.  With a accoustic cover of "Sweet Child of Mine" sung by a girl and flashy cuts between Monica Potter, Tony Goldwyn, and CJ from the "Dawn of the Dead" remake* and a slogan that goes something like "What would you do if someone hurt someone you love? How far would you go to hurt them back?".   I admit, it had my heart racing and I was excited.  If it could stand alone as its own movie and not be "Last House on the Left," that would be awesome.

Except that "Last House on the Left" is a revolting, gory movie that leaves you with a feeling of both disgust and... no that's it, just disgust.  Actually, anger.  You'll get pretty angry too.  At your friend who wanted to rent it, at Wes Craven for making it, at the actors for doing it.  It's that disturbing.  Read: it doesn't need to be remade!  It did a pretty good job of achieving its goals the first time around!

So that really just brings me to the point: my generation has been scarred by many things; namely reality TV, the Bush Administration, and the need to remake and rehash everything that used to be good.  There are some exceptions- like some examples of sampling by superior hip-hop artists (actually, that's the only exception and even that fails most of the time).   And as far as other movies go, I love Steve Martin- but does he do Peter Sellers any justice by remaking "The Pink Panther"?  (The answer is no.)  Also, why is "Knight Rider" still on?  The original SUCKED ENOUGH!  Yeah, I said it.

Is it that hard to come up with something new?  I don't want to have kids and tell them that all of the movies that came out when I was younger were just remakes and all of the songs I liked in high school were just ripped off of old songs.  Because then I'd have to be like "You need to talk to your grandma, because everything I used to like was already stolen from her generation."

Also, I think it's time to petition Hollywood to STOP raping the Asian Horror film market with their crappy remakes- "The Uninvited" being the most recent, with "Oldboy" being the next victim (even though I'm holding out hope, Mr. Speilberg, I really am), and "The Ring" the only, ONLY, decent one of the whole bunch.

So, in conclusion: Movie Producers please quit while you're not even ahead and spare us from your "inspired" remakes of "Leprachaun" and "Killer Klowns from Outer Space."  Hip-hoppers, keep sampling but use with caution and proceed judiciously.  And TV.  I gave up on you last year because I'm sick of "The Bachelor," I don't care about how much weight Fattie loses at "The Biggest Loser" and I'm still pissed that you cancelled "Swingtown."

*By the way, "Dawn of the Dead" the remake is exempt from this rant (only because I think it is way better than the original.  It's just so good.  And yes it's pretty, but I don't care.  Zombie movies are different.

At the Movies... again!

Ok so, as I previously mentioned the Golden Globes were on on Sunday. This year, there is an interesting array of fare that harbors on the side of unconventional when it comes to what is considered "the best." For example, "Slumdog Millionaire," as Dan Hopper of BWE.tv points out, was neither "historical nor gay nor three hours long". It's about Indians. In Mumbai. "The Wrestler" stars someone that should be dead by now and Marisa Tomei. And that annoying as hell girl that dated Marilyn Manson.

I live in Ohio. While I would love to see these movies, I simply do not have the time or patience to drive to the Cedar Lee theater and chance getting my car stolen. So I have to pick and choose my battles when it comes time for awards season (and that's usually based, like how I pick up men, on first impressions).

"Slumdog Millionaire." Not interested, not about white people. (Of course I'm kidding. I'm not interested because it's about FOREIGNERS).

"The Wrestler." Who is Mickey Rourke? I'm told he had a career in the early nineties? I don't like wrestling so that's a con. But I DO like strippers. So that's a plus. Hmmm.

"The Reader." Looks like a downer. "The problem with doing a Holocaust film is there's no gag reel on the DVD, is there?"- Ricky Gervais

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button." The title is already long enough. I'm bored.

"Revolutionary Road." It's Jack and Rose had they gotten married! Um, why are they yelling so much in the trailer?

"Rachel Getting Married." Can someone please tell Anne Hathaway that she's boring me? Thanks.

"Dark Knight." Two words: Woo and a hoo. Loved. It.

"Wall-E." Umm, can we say Best Motion Picture of the Year? Cause I just did suckas!

"Milk." This movie looks so uplifting! A gay man in office! It's the feel good movie of the year, I'm sure it has a happy ending! Wait... What?

"Vicky Christina Barcelona." Try "Vicky Christina Boring."

"Frost/Nixon." Other than the funniness in the trailer ("What did you do last night? Did you do any FORNICATING?" Oh, tricky Dick...) and the big gasp moment ("When the president does it, it's not illegal!"), I'm just not motivated.

"Doubt." I doubt it. No, for real, this is the only movie that has me somewhat intrigued. I think the Catholic Church is an interesting institution and that nuns are quite complex characters, what with giving up men for God and all. I like Amy Adams and I like Meryl Streep and I love Phillip Seymour Hoffman. So... maybe.

"Changeling." Again, I think the best parts of this movie are in the preview. SO... that saved me $8.50 right there.

Movies for sure avoided: 10 (at 8.50/ticket- current rate in Ohio)
Money saved: $85.00 (that's my cell phone bill, a new pair of pants, or a really nice Coach wristlet bag)

So, as you can see, when it comes to the cinema I have the refined tastes of a 13 year old boy. Only three of these movies have actually made it to our local theaters and I'm sure you can guess which ones I'm talking about. Cleveland is just not a big market for film... an idea that should be tipped off by the fact that the only time celebrities come here is if the Cavs are in the playoffs. Which by the looks of it this year, we're gonna get lucky.

(Honestly, it's really funny to see West 6th turn into Robertson Blvd. Two years ago, Eva Longoria, Jack Nicholson, Beyonce, and Jay Z all forced smiles as they endured our "nightlife.")

Define 'Dancing'.

As we enjoy the circus that is Awards season and do retrospectives of the best of 2008, I would just like to share what I believe to be one of the most beautiful scenes* from the whole year. Seriously, this movie had me breathless throughout the whole thing. Once again, Pixar knocked it out of the park with "Wall-E."

Sorry that the clip is ripped-off from YouTube and you could probably get better quality by actually buying the movie.

*This scene left me with the same feeling that I had when I saw Jack and Rose up on the bow of the Titanic for the first time at age 14. Say what you will, to a teenage girl, there was nothing more amazing than seeing that scene on the big screen.

Best. Movie. Ever.

HOTTTTT.

"This was never about the money, this was about us against the system. That system that kills the human spirit. We stand for something. We are here to show those guys that are inching their way on the freeways in their metal coffins that the human sprit is still alive."- Bodhi (Patrick Swayze) in "Point Break."

Last night I was flipping through stations, trying to figure out what I could watch to distract myself from the fact that I really really need to get laid... and soon. I was quite disappointed with the selection: "24: Redemption" was rerunning and I had already seen it, "The Real Housewives of Orange County" was also on- and I decided I would rather bang my head against the wall then watch the insipid goings-on of spoiled 40 something women, there was sports (blah), and other stuff...

... and then I came across this gem playing on our local crap station. "Point Break" is a 1991 movie about an F!B!I! agent named Johnny Utah (I'm so naming my first born son that) played by Keanu Reeves. He goes undercover to catch a band of bankrobbers known as the "Ex- Presidents" because they wear, you guessed it, masks of the ex-presidents. Lead by free spirit Bodhi (played by a buff Patrick Swayze), they are the extreme of extreme and do anything (like rob banks) to support their crazay lifestyle. Gary Busey and John C. McGinley (Perry Cox, MD from "Scrubs") also star. AND there's this awesome scene with a lawnmower.

Needless to say.... it was magnificent.

See, the "point break" is where a wave breaks on a rocky point and is therefore somehow a metaphor for life and robbing banks, I guess.

I don't care what it means, I still cry at the end when they're on the beach... in Austrailia... and Reeves just lets him go out there. Because you have to pay the ultimate price to do that. Or something.

Check it out, it is the most awesomest movie EVER MADE. I shit you not.

Also, check out "Hot Fuzz." Which just adds to the awesomeness because it is one of Danny's (played by Nick Frost) favorite cop movies ("You ever shoot your gun up in the air and gone 'ahhhhh'?") as he explains to Nick Angel (played by the love of my life, Simon Pegg). He is referring to a key scene when Utah chases Bodhi after robbing a bank and has a clear shot at him and doesn't take it... "because he loves him SOOOO much." Of course, later in "Hot Fuzz," this scene is mimiced with hilarious results. Oh those sassy Brits.



(You should watch all of it, but if you are pressed for time then fast forward to 2:03 so you can see what I mean...)

Sorry if this post seems schizophrenic. But that's how I'm feeling going on day 23 of no sex. Like a Schizo off meds.

I hope Jesus forgives me.

So, I have a confession to make. It is one that haunts me every Christmas- especially because I live in Cleveland and this is considered sacrilege... what's that? I'm not a browns fan? Yes, that's true but I feel that this may be even worse. Ready?

Seriously... this is bad.


I've never....


...actually seen "A Christmas Story." Ahhhhh! I know, I know. I'm sorry. Calm down. I told you it was bad. The funny thing is I get worse reactions to that here then I probably would if I told them that I was holding key evidence in the Marilyn Shepherd murder case for all these years.  Or that I really really hate the Browns.  Or that I think the Rock Hall is more of an eyesore then a tourist attraction and the whole thing should be moved to New York since it costs us more money then it makes us.  Or that I think the Cuyahoga River stinks to high heaven (burn on, biiig river, burn on).  

No, "A Christmas Story" is sacred here.  "But CJ," you ask "didn't that take place in Indiana or something?"  And you'd be right.  However, many key scenes (including in the department store) were filmed right here in the Cleve.  Ralphie's house is actually located here in Cleveland and is now a museum for fans of the film.  I think it's great that it's had such a long lasting legacy here.  You don't see a "Scarface" Museum at Tony Montana's mansion in Meeey-ami do you?  Or a Gump museum in Greenbow (ha, because Greenbow doesn't exist)?  Or a "Titanic" museum- oh wait, nevermind.   That we are part of such a film classic (considering that Hollywood hated us so much that they refused to film a movie about our own baseball team here- "Major League" was filmed mostly in Minnesota) is kind of comforting for culture vultures like myself.

That being said, I really just never have the patience to watch it.  "I thought you watched that when you were little?" my mom always says.  And I shake my head.  Because, save for the usual "You'll shoot your eye out, kid!," I have no idea what it's all about.  A kid and a gun and a lamp and Santa and a dad... I dunno.  

Call me sacrilegious, call me a phony, call me a Grinch.  Either way, I'm not going to make sure I catch it one of the 122,000,000+ times it will be on this week (including the 24 hour marathon on Christmas- which really pisses me off in itself).  The movie is the same age that I am, which doesn't mean it's bad but really kind of puts off first time viewers.

I realize that I am now "un-datable" to the many, many (ha) men that read this.  

A to Zoolander.

So I was looking at Blogger's December Blogs of Note (mine is most definitely NOT on there) and found Life at Willow Manner.  Ooozing with idyllic adorableness like warm melted chocolate, I enjoyed the photos, recipes, and anecdotes of family life.  She's pretty crafty, you should all check 'er out.  Anyway, she had a post about how her friends had challenged her to an Alphabet listing of her 26 favorite movies.  You can go see it on her blog.  So, naturally I had to attempt this as well (this was not planned out before hand so this list is being created as I write this... ) Pardon me for the lame choices... this isn't as easy as you think.

A:  "About a Boy"

B:  This should not be this hard already.  I'll come back to it.

C:  All right, I'm stealing this one.  "Cinema Paradiso" is good and my brain is fried.

D: "Dances With Wolves" "Dirty Dancing" "The Departed"

Back to B: Ok, I'm an IDIOT. "Back to the Future." Sometimes I wonder about myself.

E:  Skip.

F: "Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

G: "Ghostbusters"

H: "Hot Fuzz"

Again, another B: I'm really dumb.  Hello- "Braveheart"?!

I:   "I Know What You Did Last Summer"

J:  "Jumanji" Shut up... do you have something better?

K:  "Kill Bill Vol. 1 and 2"

L: "Lord of the Rings" SCORE.  

M: This is for Jason at Executedtoday.com- "The Molly Maguires"  Look it up, Internet.

N: "No Country For Old Men"

O: "O Brother, Where Art Thou" Coen double feat- Heyyo!

P: "Persepolis"

Q:  I got nothing.

R: "The Royal Tenenbaums" or "Resevoir Dogs" and god dammit, another B "Boondock Saints, The"

S: "Shaun of the Dead"

T: "Tropic Thunder" which reminds me, don't ask me why, of a C that I've seen way more times then a pretentious pick like "Cinema Paradiso"... Ready for it... "CADDYSHACK!" (Cue Kenny Loggins and a dancing gopher... I'm aallll riiiiight, don't nobody worry 'bout me.  Yep, I'm that immature.)

Figured out a Q: "Quill"! Not your "feel good movie of the year" but if you want to know about the origins of S&M, I'd check it out (Hey now, it's a classy movie- Geoffrey Rush, Kate Winslet, and Joaquin Phoenix star).

U: I'll come back for u. Ha, You- U? Ya get it? U and a You?  I told you I'm burnt out.

V: "V for Vendetta"- I'm really sorry Alan Moore, but I thought it was jolly good fun.  And therein lies the problem and I totally understand.

W: "What Lies Beneath"- this is courtesy of my coworker Kalyn.  We both agree: Harrison Ford is a creep in that movie.  I would have gone with "Wayne's World" now that I'm thinking clearer.

X:  "X-Men 2."  Bet ya' thought I'd say "X-Men."  You bet wrong.  "X-Men 2": WAAAAY COOLER.

Y:  "Young Frankenstein" and for fuck's sake, another B with "Blazin Saddles."

Z:  Easy.  I knew this before I started: "Zoolander."

Ok, who did I miss?  E:  "E.T." and U: Ok, I cheated and got a list.  "Untouchables," "Unforgiven," and probably the best of overrated movies: "The Usual Suspects."  

So, I had to cheat.  I'm not an infallible super-genius when it comes to pop culture nor did I ever claim to be.

I like dudes with scars.

HOT

So, last night I went over a friends house (because she had just bought a HiDef ginormous flat screen telly with a Blu-Ray player-thing) to watch movies. I have to say, there is a difference with HiDef and Blu-Ray. As in the experience that I was about to have... let's just say, it would not have worked on a nineteen inch tv (like the one my broke ass has).

"The Dark Knight."

I mean, for those who have seen it, need I say more? I regret not getting off my ass and going to see this in the theaters. This movie was all I wanted it to be and more. There's a feeling that football fans get when there's a great sack or baseball fans when there's a brawl or hockey fans when that first punch is thrown out, or Nascar fans when someone hits the wall or spins out... it's a little twisted, but it's that getting "dirty" aspect that we all just love the comes from our gut and gives us such a great sense of satisfaction.

"The Dark Knight" was two and a half hours of that feeling. For me, anyway.

As you all know by now, Heath Ledger (the Joker) died shortly after making this. I do believe that it's an incredible performance and that he would have gone on to do more amazing things. I do believe that he totally made us say "Jack who?" when it came to others who have played the role before him. I think it's amazing that he is nominated for a Globe and quite possible a post-humus Oscar. I hope he wins. He was the first Batman villain I was actually afraid of.*

But, he wasn't my favorite.

My favorite, as has always been my favorite in the cartoons, the two "graphic novels" I have read, and Joel Schumacher's "Batman Forever," is Harvey Dent. Two-Face. I don't know why he's my favorite, maybe because he flips a coin and he is a physical manifestation of the duplicity of man or something from some film student's thesis, maybe because his story is so sad (no matter which version it is). In the modern films, three actors have played him. Billy Dee Williams (betcha forgot about that one) in "Batman," Tommy Lee Jones in "Batman Forever," and now in Christopher Nolan's version, he is played by new love of my life Aaron Eckhart.

And I have to say, if not for Ledger's death, I think Eckhart would have garnered more attention for the role. He plays something rare for the first half of the movie: a real good guy who is incorruptible. He's a Captain America and, not to spoil too much, he's the guy that Bruce Wayne himself believes is the rightful successor to save/protect Gotham.** And then some shit goes down.

This would be the part of the movie where I just couldn't contain myself anymore and let out a Turret's type of "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!!! OH HOLY SHIT." From there, things just happen. If you haven't seen the movie, let's just say picture above turns to picture below. It's kind of tough to watch, both visually (cause it's a little gross) and emotionally.

NOT SO HOT.

Some critics have complained the movie ran a little to long. I say to them, "Suck it." There was a moment or two in the last act that I thought, Ok, this is a little long, but that was because I just drank two Pepsis and had to pee really bad. As the bat signal was smashed and the credits rolled, I tried to think what I would have cut as an editor. And the answer: Not a damn thing. For two and half hours, I didn't think about my drama or my problems. I was completely captivated. So, thanks Christopher Nolan (and a dream cast of Bale, Eckhart, Gylenhaal, Freeman, Cain, Ledger, Luis from "Suddenly Susan," William Fichtner, and for Godssake ERIC ROBERTS). Ya dun good.

*Technically that's not true, because to a 9 year old- the Penguin in Tim Burton's "Batman Returns" was pretty terrifying (he ate RAW FISH). I'm just saying, as an adult in a post-9/11 world and watching all these movies again now, Ledger's Joker is sobering and gritty.

**By the way, I would never ever ever want to live in this city. For sixty-plus years they've had some frickin psychos running around! And, the mob seems to bit too prevalent.

At the movies!

So, seeing that my popularity with the opposite sex has dipped to new lows (at least with the ones I know), I figured I might as well just accept my fate of being a winter shut-in.  So I rented a movie last night and found out it isn't so bad.  A lot of people live and die by their Netflix subscription.  The movie?  "Iron Man."  I was pleasantly surprised.  It was nice to see Robert Downey, Jr. not looking like a strung out junkie.  So it got me thinking, what movies would I suggest to others in my current situation that would make them feel better?   Here are the classics that I think are worth viewing in times like these.

"Titanic"- Ok, I know you're thinking "But isn't that like one of the greatest love stories of all time?"  And maybe you're right.  But I like to think of it this way:  Jack and Rose never had a future.  His intention was always to woo her, steal her jewels and leave her high and dry when they arrived at New York.  Love on cruise ships always has its expiration date.  Sure that handsome stranger is fun the first day, second day, third day... but by the fourth day, you almost want an iceberg to intervene.  Bonus points for being able to say, after three hours and fourteen minutes, "Well hey, at least I didn't drown in the North Atlantic.  My life really doesn't suck."

"Dumb and Dumber"- This is the pinnacle of childishness in cinema.  Lloyd and Harry are really the only two friends you ever need to make you laugh.  It's the Farrelly Bros before they got all arrogant after making "There's Something About Mary."  While it was more popular, "Dumb and Dumber" still stands to be the better of the two in my opinion.  It's premise is simple: two idiots in search of a better life.  Besides, if my pets' heads ever start "falling off," you can bet I'm headed for Assssspen on my Vespa.  

"Bridget Jones' Diary"- "Another love story?" you say.  Yes, but a love story about a drunk, frumpy, sad British woman who has two hot sexy British men (Colin Firth and Hugh Grant... meeeow) going crazy (and ultimately leading to one of the most gratuitous fight scenes EVER).  Plus there's life lessons and you can't help but love her loyal friends who like her just the way she is.  It's motivational!  Plus, I think I can relate to just about every scene on some level or another.

ANY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER MADE and here's why:  1.  At least you don't have to run away from  your dead best friend.  2.  At least you'll never have to shoot your dead mum.  3.  At least you'll never get stuck in a mall while waiting for your impending doom.  Life starts to look kinda nice.  Not to mention, every zombie movie has an essential disembowelment scene that is perfect for projecting the face of your ex on (see Rhodes, original "Dawn of the Dead").  

Other good ones:

"Cabin Fever."  If you are in a very disturbed mood, and you like unnecessary carnage, I would go with this one.  Especially for you wounded guys out there.  A girl gets her face eaten off by a dog.

"Kill Bill, 1 and 2."  It's violent.  It's Quentin.  It's Uma.  It's AWWWWESOME.  And it delivers on the promise it makes.  It's not really a spoiler, Bill dies.  But he's like the baddest baddie of all the evil ex's.  As much animosity as John has for me right now, he would never shoot me (my fiance, his friends, family, and priest) at my wedding while I was preggers with his kid.

"Hot Fuzz." Because I love Simon Pegg and any unnecessary violence that pokes fun at hack of hacks Michael Bay (you ain't seen Bad Boys 2?)  Love. It.

I don't suggest:

"Notting Hill," anything with Julia Roberts, "The Notebook," or "Say Anything."  Or anything else that induces tears.  

Until next time... adios.  I'll see you.... AT THE MOVIES.