Coping with breaking up.

Things that you must absolutely not do when being dumped (and I should know):

1. Do not call the dumper. DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE CALL THIS PERSON. Nothing you say, no amount of bargaining you do, and no amount of hot sex you promise them will make them want you again. And in the mean time, you lower your self worth. At this time, 2:40 PM EST, mine is worth less than the Somalian shilling (yes, I had to look that up).

2. Do not watch "Say Anything" over and over again.  Lloyd Dobbler does NOT exist.  And even if he did, you'd probably walk all over him and take him for granted anyway.  So just get over it.

3. If you have a choice, do not listen to music that reminds you of this person.  DMB for Empty Soul, TI and Lil Wayne for John.  Three great artists that I happen to like- all ruined because I need to be more selective when it comes to those I "lay down with."

4. Do not eat.  Trust me.  I mean, eat, but really - don't over do it.  This is not a bulimia thing or an anorexic thing or a body image thing.  Well maybe a body image thing.  It's perfectly natural to want to stuff your face after you break up or your heart's been smashed into a million unusable pieces.  Ice cream, Hershey's chocolate, cheeseburgers (it's an addiction and I'm working on it).  Just don't do it.  You'll feel like a heifer afterwards and no one there to tell you you aren't fat.  Is this shallow?  I think this is shallow.  But feeling bloated and miserable and heartbroken just really sucks.  So don't eat... too much.  Or at least have a banana instead.

5. Do not go out and spend money like it is going out of style (read: no shopping).  Especially in this economy.  I have to say, my first instinct after John was to go buy a new Coach purse.  I'm sure I'm not the only one who has ever felt this way.  I wanted a "See, I'm fine on my own and will buy this to show you that" symbol of my independence.  First of all, $250 is NEVER ok to spend on a purse and second of all, no that's it.  Don't make yourself go broke to one up that person.

DO: go out and have safe unattached sex.  Is that bad that I'm recommending this?  Probably.  Physically, you need to stop missing that person that just said you weren't good enough for them.  If you aren't into random sex- at least get out there and flirt.  Get back on the horse!  Fuck the loser.  If you let it get to you, you will never recover and the next guy you date will suffer for it.  

DO: tell yourself that you are an awesome person.  It sounds lame.  Trust me, I know it sounds really stupid and futile to do this.  However, if you say it and start believing it to be true- then it really doesn't matter what happens.  It doesn't matter who dumped who.  You have to be ok with you.

DO: watch movies like "Point Break," "Shaun of the Dead," "Die Hards 1, 2, 3...and the other one."  (Or whatever floats your boat in that arena.)  Watch horror movies, action movies, thriller movies.  Especially ones were people get shot up in the most elaborately staged ways- "Face/Off" and other John Woo movies are great for this.  Stupid explosions with little talk of love and feelings.  And, also, go see movies that you wouldn't go see otherwise- like "Rocky Horror" or "The Big Lebowski" at a local cinema with all those weirdos! (Sorry, I love those weirdos, but they are definitely weird.) 

DO: take up a hobby.  I'm starting ballroom dancing tonight.  Seriously!  So, join a gun club or take karate or take a nude drawing class (although, I'm warning you- those models aren't nearly as good looking as your would like them to be).  Keep busy.  Like I said before, Fuck the loser.  You are an awesome person.  You might not want to take it to the extremes of jumping out of a plane (three weeks!), but just do something you always wanted to do but put off.

There ya go, another advice column for someone who has no license to dole out advice.  Sometimes it just helps to manifest the thoughts into something productive.