At the movies!

So, seeing that my popularity with the opposite sex has dipped to new lows (at least with the ones I know), I figured I might as well just accept my fate of being a winter shut-in.  So I rented a movie last night and found out it isn't so bad.  A lot of people live and die by their Netflix subscription.  The movie?  "Iron Man."  I was pleasantly surprised.  It was nice to see Robert Downey, Jr. not looking like a strung out junkie.  So it got me thinking, what movies would I suggest to others in my current situation that would make them feel better?   Here are the classics that I think are worth viewing in times like these.

"Titanic"- Ok, I know you're thinking "But isn't that like one of the greatest love stories of all time?"  And maybe you're right.  But I like to think of it this way:  Jack and Rose never had a future.  His intention was always to woo her, steal her jewels and leave her high and dry when they arrived at New York.  Love on cruise ships always has its expiration date.  Sure that handsome stranger is fun the first day, second day, third day... but by the fourth day, you almost want an iceberg to intervene.  Bonus points for being able to say, after three hours and fourteen minutes, "Well hey, at least I didn't drown in the North Atlantic.  My life really doesn't suck."

"Dumb and Dumber"- This is the pinnacle of childishness in cinema.  Lloyd and Harry are really the only two friends you ever need to make you laugh.  It's the Farrelly Bros before they got all arrogant after making "There's Something About Mary."  While it was more popular, "Dumb and Dumber" still stands to be the better of the two in my opinion.  It's premise is simple: two idiots in search of a better life.  Besides, if my pets' heads ever start "falling off," you can bet I'm headed for Assssspen on my Vespa.  

"Bridget Jones' Diary"- "Another love story?" you say.  Yes, but a love story about a drunk, frumpy, sad British woman who has two hot sexy British men (Colin Firth and Hugh Grant... meeeow) going crazy (and ultimately leading to one of the most gratuitous fight scenes EVER).  Plus there's life lessons and you can't help but love her loyal friends who like her just the way she is.  It's motivational!  Plus, I think I can relate to just about every scene on some level or another.

ANY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER MADE and here's why:  1.  At least you don't have to run away from  your dead best friend.  2.  At least you'll never have to shoot your dead mum.  3.  At least you'll never get stuck in a mall while waiting for your impending doom.  Life starts to look kinda nice.  Not to mention, every zombie movie has an essential disembowelment scene that is perfect for projecting the face of your ex on (see Rhodes, original "Dawn of the Dead").  

Other good ones:

"Cabin Fever."  If you are in a very disturbed mood, and you like unnecessary carnage, I would go with this one.  Especially for you wounded guys out there.  A girl gets her face eaten off by a dog.

"Kill Bill, 1 and 2."  It's violent.  It's Quentin.  It's Uma.  It's AWWWWESOME.  And it delivers on the promise it makes.  It's not really a spoiler, Bill dies.  But he's like the baddest baddie of all the evil ex's.  As much animosity as John has for me right now, he would never shoot me (my fiance, his friends, family, and priest) at my wedding while I was preggers with his kid.

"Hot Fuzz." Because I love Simon Pegg and any unnecessary violence that pokes fun at hack of hacks Michael Bay (you ain't seen Bad Boys 2?)  Love. It.

I don't suggest:

"Notting Hill," anything with Julia Roberts, "The Notebook," or "Say Anything."  Or anything else that induces tears.  

Until next time... adios.  I'll see you.... AT THE MOVIES.