Horror: The Remix.

Everybody (and by that I mean every self-proclaimed expert on any give subject) has a rant lately. Since politics, Obama's family, the job market, and the Economic Stimulus package are all taken, I would like to go off about a not as important but just as prevalent topic:

Horror movie remakes.

I know I could tell you about my adventures of the last week (singing Mr. Big to a sports bar full of white trash stereotypes while flirting with a girl- yes a girl- and wondering if I might have this whole guy thing entirely wrong) or my list of things I'm going to do the next four days in Beantown. But I'd rather do this and it's my blog. If you're bored, you can go somewhere else.

Inspired by both the thirtieth viewing of Michael Bay's newest remake "Friday the 13th" and an article by the wise talent of Pajiba.com, I realized that we are quickly becoming a generation of remakes and remixes and unoriginality. But before I get to that conclusion, let me tell you why I'm so peeved at horror movies in particular. 

"Texas Chainsaw Massacre," "The Amityville Horror," "The Hills Have Eyes," "Friday the 13th," "Halloween," and the upcoming "Last House on the Left" have all been totally redone. "Christine" is also on it's way too. Now, I'm not sure exactly as to the why but I think it's cheaper and therefore guaranteed profit at the box office- but I could be wrong. I'm not a movie producer- I'm a respectable human being.

I've seen all the originals. They're good. Of course they aren't OSCAR good but that's because they are an entirely different category of film making and therefore have their own rules and standards, etc. Cheap thrills, guts and blood, tits and ass. Whatever. One thing they aren't: pretty. Even the film that they are shot on is old (because this new shit wasn't available back then) and there was no such thing as IMAX or HiDef. They are sickening and hard to watch. You are discomforted by it. I never thought that evisceration could be pretty anyway.

And then I saw the remake of "Texas Chainsaw Massacre." And Jessica Beil running around, still looking hotter covered in blood than I ever will. I thought "Damn, this is gross but there's something not right... it feels..." And the word I was looking for was contrived. All remakes feel contrived. Because it's already been done and some hack in Hollywood wants to do it all again to make a quick buck (I think, like I said, I'm not sure).

One of my favorite stupid things Bravo ever did was a list of the top 100 scariest films of all time.  I thought it was a pretty cool waste of time back in school because it a)it was five hours long and when you're hungover on a Saturday, you don't really care and b) included movies I had never even heard of before.  One of those films was "Last House on the Left."  Wes Craven explained that as a peace-loving hippie, he felt the best way to make an anti-violence film was to make violence so revolting that no one would want to do it.

Cut to a week ago when I saw the flashy new trailer for the remake.  With a accoustic cover of "Sweet Child of Mine" sung by a girl and flashy cuts between Monica Potter, Tony Goldwyn, and CJ from the "Dawn of the Dead" remake* and a slogan that goes something like "What would you do if someone hurt someone you love? How far would you go to hurt them back?".   I admit, it had my heart racing and I was excited.  If it could stand alone as its own movie and not be "Last House on the Left," that would be awesome.

Except that "Last House on the Left" is a revolting, gory movie that leaves you with a feeling of both disgust and... no that's it, just disgust.  Actually, anger.  You'll get pretty angry too.  At your friend who wanted to rent it, at Wes Craven for making it, at the actors for doing it.  It's that disturbing.  Read: it doesn't need to be remade!  It did a pretty good job of achieving its goals the first time around!

So that really just brings me to the point: my generation has been scarred by many things; namely reality TV, the Bush Administration, and the need to remake and rehash everything that used to be good.  There are some exceptions- like some examples of sampling by superior hip-hop artists (actually, that's the only exception and even that fails most of the time).   And as far as other movies go, I love Steve Martin- but does he do Peter Sellers any justice by remaking "The Pink Panther"?  (The answer is no.)  Also, why is "Knight Rider" still on?  The original SUCKED ENOUGH!  Yeah, I said it.

Is it that hard to come up with something new?  I don't want to have kids and tell them that all of the movies that came out when I was younger were just remakes and all of the songs I liked in high school were just ripped off of old songs.  Because then I'd have to be like "You need to talk to your grandma, because everything I used to like was already stolen from her generation."

Also, I think it's time to petition Hollywood to STOP raping the Asian Horror film market with their crappy remakes- "The Uninvited" being the most recent, with "Oldboy" being the next victim (even though I'm holding out hope, Mr. Speilberg, I really am), and "The Ring" the only, ONLY, decent one of the whole bunch.

So, in conclusion: Movie Producers please quit while you're not even ahead and spare us from your "inspired" remakes of "Leprachaun" and "Killer Klowns from Outer Space."  Hip-hoppers, keep sampling but use with caution and proceed judiciously.  And TV.  I gave up on you last year because I'm sick of "The Bachelor," I don't care about how much weight Fattie loses at "The Biggest Loser" and I'm still pissed that you cancelled "Swingtown."

*By the way, "Dawn of the Dead" the remake is exempt from this rant (only because I think it is way better than the original.  It's just so good.  And yes it's pretty, but I don't care.  Zombie movies are different.