"You know what really grinds my gears?"*

I've got to say it: every time that I decide having children wouldn't be the Hell that I've made it up in my mind to be, I get seated in front of one on a plane.

This particular monster was a four year old red head in a green sweater. He was trouble from the moment I saw him, grinning ear to ear when his mother let him sit by himself in the single seat row.

It started almost immediately after take off. The kicks.

"Stop," his mother whispered. "The lady doesn't like it."

Of course this brat wasn't going to listen to her and she probably knew it, smiling to herself the more exasperated my sighs became.

Which brings me to my point: PARENTS- CUT IT OUT WITH THE SMUGNESS. Seriously folks, I'm not planning on having kids so don't even start thinking "Oh she'll feel differently when she has her own" or "You can't know what it's like until you have one."

I DON'T WANT ONE. OR TWO. OR EIGHT.

Do you know what most economical experts will tell you is the best way to save money? Well, besides buying a boat. NOT HAVING CHILDREN.

And I'm sorry if my life doesn't include picking old Cheerios out of my car or wiping up drool or buying Disney Princess bedroom sets only to have the brat turn around and say that she only likes Hannah Montana now- but that was your stupid choice (and if it wasn't, it's called contraception- look into it).

Really, babies are darling as long as they aren't mine and as long as they don't grow up to be little snots who don't listen and take you for every dime you have.

I'm on to you, children. I get what you're doing... and I don't like it.


*"You, America. Fuuuuuuuuuuuuck you."