Happy Valentine's Day, Romantics!
It actually started with me getting d-runk, t-rashed, and other such variations of the word, while bowling in Parma. Yes, Parma. For those not in the know (international friends), Parma is pretty much the Ohio equivalent to... um... Chino. I hate to go all OC here, but I would never- NEVER- date someone from Parma- or Chino. Pretty much all of the westside of the Cleve (with the exception of Lakewood) is just a waste of space. Ohio ends at Cleveland for me. (But what about Cedar Point you say? I don't consider that part of Ohio, really.) Anyway, I could go on and on and on about how much I detest Parma and how the eastside of Ohio is the lesser of the two evils (Ohio is just lame all around).
Aaaaaaanyway, I realized that I was the cutest person at the bowling alley. This was a double-edged sword. Great because everyone needs to feel like they're the hottest in the room at least once in their life, not so great because there was not really any one worth my time and effort there (think the cast of "Napolean Dynamite). Of course this led to the increased imbibing of several drinks- including a standby man for any girl, Jose Cuervo.
None of this is relevant if not for the Cuervo that led to the Horrible Hangover of 2009. Not only was I wishing for death, I was hoping it would be quick and painless- like death by French Swordsman or something. Of course, the days you wish that you were laying in bed relaxing/recovering are always the days before you have twenty of your mother's closest AA friends coming over for a brunch.
I made cookies and cake and not once did I think of how sad it is that I would be sharing these not with a sig-o*, but a group of recovering alcoholics (actually, on second thought, they probably appreciated it a lot more than a guy would anyway).
And yes, I did watch Romantic "Girl with unrealistic job and salary meets guy with unrealistic job and salary in New York city and then fall in love, but wait! there's a problem, but no- they're ok because now they're running toward each other on a street" Comedies. "Must Love Dogs," "Somethings Gotta Give" (really disturbing for younger people, by the way. I had nightmares of Jack Nicholson wanting to date me.), and "How To Lose a Guy in Ten Days" (the most annoying, by far). Oddly enough, by the end of all of this, I was actually NOT curled up in the fetal position and singing "All By Myself" on the floor.
It was weird. Because, really, I didn't feel anything. Not upset or angry or sad. Hungover, yes, but other than that pretty damn good. It was like a reassuring "You're gonna be ok" from some unseen voice somewhere. And gosh darnit, I was!
Why can't they make a movie like that? Girl with realistic job, crap car, and underpaid salary meets guy with too many issues to count, falls in love, he breaks her heart, she realizes she's ok- no running toward each other on the street. The end. Roll credits. I can understand why the "Friday the 13th" remake did so well this weekend, I guess. Guy meets girl, guy kills girl, guy kills another girl. It's the same idea.
For next year, or really any time that you feel the need to immerse yourself in that lovey-dovey feeling, skip the Matthew McC/Goldie Hawn's daughter drivel and go for "Say Anything." You will love it and respect yourself in the morning. And that right there reminded me that there's still hope for finding a real Lloyd Dobler.
*Significant other.
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