The musical.

As my coworker Mar would say, I love drama.  So I thought, what would "And I Stole Your Hat, Too" look like as a successful Broadway musical drama?  And the result was a combination of my fascination with musical theater and my pathetically annoying problems:

AND I STOLE YOUR HAT, TOO:

A Childish Musical Drama*

Starring

CJ

as

"Heroine"

John 

as

"Prince Asshat"

FCOG (not an FCOG, but really, FCOG)

as

"Princess Twat"

PVille Guy

as

"Sir Douchebag"

and

Alanna

as

"the Best Friend"

(*Actually, it may be more a long the lines of a Shakespearean Comedy now that I think about it, but funny in the way that "Merchant of Venice" was funny... like kind of not funny but it's considered a comedy because no one actually dies.)

Act I opens with a colorful and happy piece called "Don't Ever Talk to My Boyfriend Again" sung by Princess Twat while she is at a Halloween party.  Followed by a jazzy upbeat dance number with the Heroine singing "Tell Your Fucking Whore of A Girlfriend that She Should Watch Her Baby Instead of Worrying about Me" to Prince Asshat as she secretly steals his hat. (Of course, this will be choreographed by Twila Tharp.  Kicklines and tap dancing and leaping across the stage.  It will be amazing.)  Prince Asshat responds with "Don't Ever Talk to Me Again, You Stupid Bitch." Then Sir Douchebag comes into the picture and sings a song about, oh I don't know, being a complete tool ("The Toolman"). End scene.

Intermission.

Overture.

Act II begins with a song by Prince Asshat singing a lovely ballad called "I Love Her but You Mean So Much To Me Still" but that will turn into "Wait, No, I'm Confused and I Changed My Mind Again" and then a reprise of "Don't Ever Talk to Me Again, You Stupid Bitch."  Followed by the Heroine singing the title song, "And I Stole Your Hat, Too" as she creates a blog.  "I shall post things about you, dear Prince, and your immaturity, and that stupid Princess Twat and her insecurity!"  Followed by a dance number in the middle.  "And you, Sir Douchebag, will get a post too so don't, please don't, threaten to sue!"  But he does.  And there's a big crazy scene where he yells at her (singing "Young, Dumb, And Full of..."-you knew that was coming- and tells her that she's taking advantage of their "friendship" and she cries.  End scene.

Intermission

Overture

Final Act.  Opens with the Best Friend singing a song called "You're An Idiot, We're Going to Boston" to the Heroine and she realizes that all these people are morons.  "You're right! My God, you're right! I don't know how I lost my siiiiiiiight!" the Heroine sings.  As Prince Asshat and Princess Twat come on to the stage she shakes his hand and hugs her and sings "I'm Over It."  "You can have him, you can have him, he's not that great anyway.  He's bad at sex, he's really stupid, and there's never an intelligent thing he'll say."  Sir Douchebag comes in singing the reprise of "Young, Dumb, And Full of..." and she continues to sing "I'm Over It," ending with a big flip of the bird.  And then her and the Best Friend dance off to Boston in "I'm So Glad That You Losers Live in Ohio (See Ya)" with the chorus line.  Fade to black (yeah, I know that's a screenwriter's, not a playwright's, term).

Curtain.

It's lame but I'm tired and loopy and bored.  I know, I'm reaching on this one.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

The showdown...

So, there was an interesting exchange of text messages between me and the FCOG yesterday.  I realize now that I have to change her pseudonym, seeing that she actually is a decent human being.  I probably should get rid of the "white trash slut" remark in my bio, too.  Dammit, I'm going soft.

Anyway, it started out pretty bad.  Of course, I had no choice but to debrief her about all of the conversations between John and I after she had placed a ban on him talking to me.  It was a low move,  but this is war.  And then she did this:

HER:  Btw. im not a mean person the only reason i text u earlier is cuz he said u were talkin shit about me in emails.i have no hate towards u at all. sorry if it came off that way. i just really want to believe what he tells me. ireally do hope u have a good life n find someone that makes u happy.

What the hell?  She really is nice.  She's like Kimmy (Cameron Diaz) in "My Best Friends Wedding" and I'm like glorious Julia Roberts as Julie Ann.  Annoyingly perfect, because there is nothing annoying about her.  Creme brule vs. Jell-O all the way.  So I had  no choice but to do this:

ME: I wasn't talking shit [FCOG- who really is not that bad],  i feel horrible about the things i've said about u [like you're an unfit mother, white trash, etc.]. I just want him to make sure he is making the rite decision.  4 the both of u.  John is essentially a good person but i do feel you know only half of what we have talked about.he really likes u and i told him if that meant we couldn't talk ne more then i was ok with that.i think he is rushing into it and that is nothing against u. he is stressd and confusd but he does love u.  he does have a bad side that i hope u never see and i really want him to be happy and u 2.  As 4 me i do have someone but not serious right now.  I'm trying to focus on career. So i send u good will and someday this will blow over and u will see i'm not a crazy bitch.

I don't know how many times I need to express the fact that I. GIVE. UP.  Leave me alone, now, and let me spend the winter in peace with my books.