In an effort to screen out any possible psychos, arsonists, racists, people from Eastlake, OH, or self-mutilators, I created this easy to follow application for my next potential suitor.
NAME: ___________
ANY OTHER ALIASES (please stop here if this includes "T-Bone," "Biggie," "Jhonny Knots," "Goose," "Maverick," or "Iceman"):__________________
ADDRESS (again, please stop here if this includes East Cleveland, Eastlake, Painesville, Madison, anything in Lake County really, Tennessee/Kentucky, or RED states): __________
HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED BEFORE? CIRCLE ONE YES NO
*at this point, if yes, please discard application and lose my number
ARE YOU EMPLOYED? ______ PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT: __________
ANNUAL SALARY:_________ (This will not be used in the decision making process... I swear. LOL.).
HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS HAVE YOU HAD? ______
*if number less than 4 or greater than 30, please discard application.
DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN? IF SO WHAT ARE THEIR AGES?: ________
DO YOU HAVE/OR HAVE YOU HAD ANY STDS? CIRCLE ONE (documentation to be provided upon request) YES NO
HAVE YOU BEEN A CAST MEMBER ON "I LOVE NEW YORK I or II," "THE REAL WORLD," "SUNSET TAN," OR "MILLION DOLLAR LISTING?": CIRCLE ONE YES NO
*Again if yes, please discard application now. RIGHT NOW.
ESSAY QUESTIONS (please keep under 250 words):
1. I got you tickets to a _________ (fill in event you are interested in). You thank me how?
2. My car's battery died because I probably left the lights on like the airhead I am. I call and tell you. What do you say?
3. I spend a whole summer carting your lanky ass around to work because you lost your car, even going so far as to let you borrow it when I'm on vacation. How do you intend to make sure that the favor is returned?
4. My mother is crazy and my father is an arrogant asshole. How do you greet them when you first meet (on separate occasions, because they are divorced)?
5. I'm feeling sad. How will you cheer me up?
MULTIPLE CHOICE: I make a huge mistake and say some very mean things to you. Then I apologize and ask for forgiveness (keep in mind, I've forgiven you for plenty). You:
A. Call me a spoiled brat who is "young, dumb, and full of cum."
B. Flip out and threaten to sue me over a stupid blog post.
C. Change your phone number.
D. Say, "It's cool. I forgive you but you better make it up to me later, girl." And then smile and say you're sorry for acting like such a douchebag to me.
Finally, I need at least three references. 2 must be professional and one must be an ex-girlfriend or a female friend. After a quick credit and background check, I will let you know if you have made it to the final round of interviews.
By signing here, you are acknowledging that all information provided is accurate.
___________________________
Thanks, The Management.
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