You gotta fight. For your right.

The following is a list of proposed parties for the new apartment (which is really funny considering it doesn't actually exist yet):

1. "Mad Men" party. Boys in suits, girls in fifties office wear- ie: tight sweaters and skirts. The invitation will read "Sterling Cooper invites you to its annual staff party." Much scotch will be imbibed. Lots of smoking. Maybe some sex in a supply closet.

2. Nineties party. Lets face it. To kids born in the eighties, the nineties are OUR eighties. Dress as Cobain, Cher Horowitz, in swing dance clothing, or Latin clothing, or like a supermodel, or a raver or really anything because the 90s was pretty much a smorgasboard of excess and schizophrenic music. "Empire Records" and "Reality Bites" (which are really the best quintessential 90s culture movies EVER) will play in background.

3. 80s Hip Hop party. See below.

4. 80s Movie party. Dress as Marty McFly (with the life preserver vest) or Baby Houseman or Robocop (I guess). Or you could go with Ferris Bueller, Cameron Fry, and Sloan Peterman but I am not sure where you'd find a hot white leather jacket in this day and age.

5. Royal Tenenbaums party. The characters have such classic costumes, I say "Why the hell not?" Richie, Eli, Margot, Royal, Chaz, Ari, Uzi, Pagoda... Buckley... get creative. Points for being able to take "family style" portraits of the guests.

Why I can't think of any other ones, I'm not sure, because we've been throwing them around. This, of course, is contingent on the idea we actually GET an apartment. And friends.

I heart Pegg.

By the way, I'm not crazy making shit up about Simon Pegg and Nick Frost being British b-boys. This just proves it. And makes my heart ache knowing that he is married... (because I totally had a chance in Carly-world). Cannot wait for "Star Trek" movie... that just affirms that I am a nerd in hot girl's clothing.

50!

FUTURE PARTY GUESTS...

Well, I'm going to NOT post something to celebrate that this little hobby has kept my attention for a full month and fifty posts. Instead, I would like to share with you my weird experience this morning.

So all day yesterday I was singing "Criminal" by Fiona Apple. While it is a pretty popular song, it's from 1998 or something around there and usually doesn't play a lot out here on Ohio radio. We have a couple of "alternative" stations, one of them is 92.3. Unfortunately, it had been playing Rover's Morning Glory, a shock jock testosterone-fueled morning show that previous boyfriends had made me listen to until my head was about to explode. Well that got cancelled, which is AWESOME. And now 92.3, starting this week, has done away with any and all DJs and now just plays on random to save money (it was on the news last night). Poor DJs, but good for me!

So what is the first song I hear when I turn the radio on this morning? "Criminal"! Coincidence you say? How about the fact that before "Criminal" was stuck in my head... I was singing "No Sleep Till Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys yesterday. Guess what the next song was? Yep. No. Sleep. Till BRROOKLYNNNN!

So you're probably all, "Who gives a fuck?" And really, no one does. I just thought it was oddly coincidental that I predicted the first two songs to play this morning without even realizing it on a station that only JUST started playing music in the morning again. It wasn't like a top 40 station. That's easy: it'll be a Rhianna song or it'll be a song with T-Payne in the background on his decoder. These were random songs from 10+ years ago.

I'm psychic.

So when I remembered my dreams from last night... I knew good things would be ahead. For example, I had a dream that I was dating the older plastic surgeon whose name I can never remember on "House." Not Olivia Wilde, not Omar Epps, not Kal Penn, not Hugh Laurie, no Sean Patrick Leonard (although Wilson is fiiiine)... the other guy. Reaffirming my theory that I love middle-aged men (by the way, I have a sudden reinterest in "House" after not watching for 2 years).

Then I had to get up to let my dog out at 1am.

Then I went back to sleep and had a dream I was at an 80s hip hop party and Simon Pegg (who I am so in love with that it's crossing over into delirious fantasy) was spinning on the turntable while Nick Frost did some awesome b-boy moves on a piece of cardboard.

Naturally I came to the conclusion that upon moving to Boston, I will date a plastic surgeon and have awesome hip hop parties at the new apartment where British actors come and entertain me.

Addict.

Dictionary.com defines addiction as:

"the state of being enslaved to a habit or practice or to something that is psychologically or physically habit-forming, as narcotics, to such an extent that its cessation causes severe trauma."

I bring this up only because I think I'm addicted to texting (a realization made after reading through some previous posts). Which is totally not my fault. At my last job, that's how I communicated with my coworkers all the time. It was like hanging out with the bad kids that said "just try it, all the cool kids do it." And before I knew it, it was too late for me. Thank God for unlimited plans. Then I thought, geez, what else am I addicted to?

I came up with a list.

1. Blogs. I cannot complete my day if I haven't read Perez, Chez, Dooce, or ExecutedToday.com. I need my daily fix of death, celebrity, mockery, and babies/cute dogs. I get itchy and cranky if I don't.

2. CNN. I watch the Situation Room when I get home from work. I have to. Otherwise, I feel like I have no idea what's going on.

3. Keith Olbermann. Not so much as an addiction as an infatuation.

4. The History Channel. This is one of those things where I don't need it every day, but if I start watching it, five hours of my life will go by before I realize I need to pull myself together and get off the couch. It's kind of like binge drinking.

5. Shopping online. If I could live inside the four walls of my house and never go outside it would be fine as long as I had a laptop and a fast internet connection. Amazon.com is my downfall. I love the smell of new books (see 6).

6. New books. Barnes and Noble and Amazon.com and Target. If I walk past a new book with a cool cover... I will pick it up, smell it, flip through it, feel the pages under my finger.

7. According to my family, arguing. I have to be right and I will yell until I am blue in the face. I guess this would be the unhealthy part of addiction.

8. Shoes. Because every girl is. It's in our genes.

9. Sweettarts. Don't even get me started.

10. "Your Love" by the Outfield, any Huey Lewis song, Eddie Money songs, basically any kind of music you would hear in a sports bar. I thought I would get sick of "Your Love" but it has this power that every time I hear it, I need to hear it five more times. It's just too good to be that short. And while this cessation does not cause severe trauma to me, it does to the people around me.

So, I'm off to rehab now. Hopefully this post makes you less annoyed with the previous one. :)

Family Ties.

I know, I know, I'm super bad for not posting anything on Monday like I promised. I feel bad but I promise you I was busy at work yesterday. Not to mention, I just didn't feel like writing and getting myself all worked up again.

Holidays are for realizing you really only need two days a year to see your family, maybe three: Thanksgiving, Christmas, and maybe Easter (this depends on how big of a dinner you have that day or if you still get Easter baskets from your mom- I do). This had never been more apparent to me then on this past Thursday. It actually started the Monday before with my evil sister's arrival.

Have you ever seen "Mean Girls"? My sister is the character of Regina George realized. To put it nicely, she's the Queen Bee. She was in high school and she was when we were at college together and she still manages to monopolize the small group that makes up my family. I love her because I'm obligated to. I don't like her.

When we were at Kent together, she managed to con me into writing her papers. I also lent her money. I also bought her alcohol (she is two and a half years younger than me). In high school, I watched her date guys I had crushes on that were my age. And through all of this, I was always made to feel like I owed her something.

Cut to this TG. I had lent her money that was wired transfered at an interest rate of $20 via Western Union. I spent an hour on the phone at work to make sure she got her money. She assured me that the day after Thanksgiving, we would go shopping and she would pay me back. Well, instead she bought the turkey and Thanksgiving dinner with the money. She cooked and set up my grandmother's whole house. So when I asked for the money she owed me, I was told by my grandparents and mother to "stop being so ungrateful" and "pitch in around the house." Later, when I asked for the money and an apology, she rolled her eyes and told me I was being immature.

I shook my head and just let her be the Queen Bee, convinced I would still receive the money owed to me. I didn't want to ruin my grandparents' holiday so I kept my mouth shut.

On Friday, she made me aware that she would NOT be shopping with me, as was our tradition, because she'd rather be with her boyfriend. "Maybe if you thought about anyone but yourself, you would understand." And like an idiot, I brushed it off and went on to buy her and my mother several Christmas presents.

Then, Saturday morning, I asked my mom when sis would be stopping by to repay me. "Your sister left for Charlotte again this morning. She said she isn't repaying you because you owe her money I guess."

Folks, to say I was mad was an understatement. Again, I texted ad nauseum from the "You burned a bridge, don't ask me for any favors ever again" to "You're a manipulative snot" to "Your problems are not my problems, please don't call me with them ever." This time, I really don't even feel bad for it either.

My whole entire life (and I don't mean to sound like a bitter older sister, because I'm really not) it's been all about what she does. Parents do pick favorites, and she's it. I accepted that a long time ago. What I will not accept is letting her use that to her advantage.

The presents have gone back. I think $120 is a fair enough Xmas gift.

Happy Thanksgiving!

On my way to my grandparents' house today, I started to get a little emotional and yes... I cried. Everything- PVille Guy, John, etc.- just hit me all at once. I am alone, I thought. Alone during the holiday season. And then I turned on Cleveland's 92.3 and this little gem came on. And Adam Sandler once again saved the day. I smiled, laughed a little, and said out loud (alone in my car), "Life is not that bad. I am not in India and I am going to see a family that loves me." So, I will be spending the rest of the evening (post-dinner) watching "Billy Madison," "Happy Gilmore," and of course, "Mr. Deeds."

"Fifty First Dates" ain't that bad either. But that one tends to make me cry... go figure.

Happy Turkey Day!! Peace on Earth! I will be back on Monday.

Apply yourself.

In an effort to screen out any possible psychos, arsonists, racists, people from Eastlake, OH, or self-mutilators, I created this easy to follow application for my next potential suitor.  

NAME: ___________

ANY OTHER ALIASES (please stop here if this includes "T-Bone," "Biggie," "Jhonny Knots," "Goose," "Maverick," or "Iceman"):__________________

ADDRESS (again, please stop here if this includes East Cleveland, Eastlake, Painesville, Madison, anything in Lake County really, Tennessee/Kentucky, or RED states): __________

HAVE YOU EVER APPLIED BEFORE?      CIRCLE ONE       YES         NO

*at this point, if yes, please discard application and lose my number

ARE YOU EMPLOYED? ______  PLACE OF EMPLOYMENT: __________

ANNUAL SALARY:_________ (This will not be used in the decision making process... I swear. LOL.).

HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS HAVE YOU HAD?   ______

*if number less than 4 or greater than 30, please discard application.

DO YOU HAVE CHILDREN?  IF SO WHAT ARE THEIR AGES?:  ________

DO YOU HAVE/OR HAVE YOU HAD ANY STDS?  CIRCLE ONE (documentation to be provided upon request)  YES     NO

HAVE YOU BEEN A CAST MEMBER ON "I LOVE NEW YORK I or II," "THE REAL WORLD," "SUNSET TAN," OR "MILLION DOLLAR LISTING?":     CIRCLE ONE   YES     NO

*Again if yes, please discard application now.  RIGHT NOW.

ESSAY QUESTIONS (please keep under 250 words):

1.  I got you tickets to a _________ (fill in event you are interested in).  You thank me how?

2. My car's battery died because I probably left the lights on like the airhead I am.  I call and tell you.  What do you say?

3.  I spend a whole summer carting your lanky ass around to work because you lost your car, even going so far as to let you borrow it when I'm on vacation.  How do you intend to make sure that the favor is returned?

4.  My mother is crazy and my father is an arrogant asshole.  How do you greet them when you first meet (on separate occasions, because they are divorced)?

5.  I'm feeling sad.  How will you cheer me up?

MULTIPLE CHOICE:  I make a huge mistake and say some very  mean things to you.  Then I apologize and ask for forgiveness (keep in mind, I've forgiven you for plenty).  You:

A.  Call me a spoiled brat who is "young, dumb, and full of cum."

B.  Flip out and threaten to sue me over a stupid blog post.

C.  Change your phone number.

D.  Say, "It's cool.  I forgive you but you better make it up to me later, girl." And then smile and say you're sorry for acting like such a douchebag to me.

Finally, I need at least three references.  2 must be professional and one must be an ex-girlfriend or a female friend.  After a quick credit and background check, I will let you know if you have made it to the final round of interviews.

By signing here, you are acknowledging that all information provided is accurate.

___________________________

Thanks,  The Management.