Open letter to Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan

123 Train Wreck Lane

Lindseyville, Planet Lindsey 01562

RE: You

Dear Miss Lohan:

I would like start off by saying that I really liked "Mean Girls."  I thought it was an accurate and humorous portrayal of high school girls.  Whether it is more you or more Tina Fey's wit and general awesomeness that made the movie so successful, we will never know (but really, it was probably in all likelihood Tina Fey).  I even wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt with "Georgia Rules," which while kind of disturbing and a little wretched, was an OK movie.  I even ignored the whole party girl thing, possession of coke thing, chasing your assistant and her mom in a car you hijacked thing.  Or the you're getting on Stevie Nicks's last nerve thing. Even the bi thing.  Cool, you like muff diving- more power to ya (although I'm still not convinced that you're the one doing the actual diving).

What I will not, WILL NOT, stand for is your new legging line, "6126."  I think leggings are cute and slimming.  This is not about the leggings trend.  This is about YOUR leggings.  Are they made of gold?  Will they turn me into Adriana Lima (who I've never actually seen wear leggings, but then if I had her legs, I probably wouldn't want to either) or maybe the Klum?  Do they prevent cancer?  Can they solve the economic crisis?  Yeah, the economic crisis- ever hear of that?  It's the reason that NO ONE will be purchasing your $133 pair of leggings.*  Hey, if there's a woman out there who really wants to bring back the "JERSEY GIRL" look, that's great- but rest assured that woman will not pay $77 for the pair of leggings pictured above.

I understand that you idolize Marilyn Monroe and that "6126" is your tribute to her (because it's her birthday).  Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 who embraced her curves and used them to her advantage, achieving iconic levels of sexuality.  Take a hint, Linds.  Scrawny, coked out pseudo-lesbian this woman wasn't.

So, coming from someone with more than enough daddy issues of her own, stop trying to piss your father off by dating a girl, take some time off, maybe go to India or Cambodia (like Angelina) and do some soul searching.  Then come back in a couple of years with an Oscar-caliber performance in something worth watching.  And maybe your old figure- you were way hotter with the tits/ass, girl.  

Peace,

CJ

PS: Your red hair was beautiful.  Any chance of that coming back?

*And yes, I realize that "fashionistas" everywhere are lining up for these but when I say no one, I mean no one whose parents don't already pay their credit card bill.

I like dudes with scars, part two.

I guess there's a theme going today. Because I just remembered this from HIMYM on Monday:

"If a guy's got a scar he's got a Robin, and if he's missing teeth, I'm missing my pants."- Robin, in probably one of the best episodes of the season ("The Fight") explaining that because she's from Canada, tough guys get her attention. There were many more like this, but you have to watch the episode to get the context of them and fully appreciate.

However, sadly, I have to agree with her. Except maybe the teeth part.

I like dudes with scars.

HOT

So, last night I went over a friends house (because she had just bought a HiDef ginormous flat screen telly with a Blu-Ray player-thing) to watch movies. I have to say, there is a difference with HiDef and Blu-Ray. As in the experience that I was about to have... let's just say, it would not have worked on a nineteen inch tv (like the one my broke ass has).

"The Dark Knight."

I mean, for those who have seen it, need I say more? I regret not getting off my ass and going to see this in the theaters. This movie was all I wanted it to be and more. There's a feeling that football fans get when there's a great sack or baseball fans when there's a brawl or hockey fans when that first punch is thrown out, or Nascar fans when someone hits the wall or spins out... it's a little twisted, but it's that getting "dirty" aspect that we all just love the comes from our gut and gives us such a great sense of satisfaction.

"The Dark Knight" was two and a half hours of that feeling. For me, anyway.

As you all know by now, Heath Ledger (the Joker) died shortly after making this. I do believe that it's an incredible performance and that he would have gone on to do more amazing things. I do believe that he totally made us say "Jack who?" when it came to others who have played the role before him. I think it's amazing that he is nominated for a Globe and quite possible a post-humus Oscar. I hope he wins. He was the first Batman villain I was actually afraid of.*

But, he wasn't my favorite.

My favorite, as has always been my favorite in the cartoons, the two "graphic novels" I have read, and Joel Schumacher's "Batman Forever," is Harvey Dent. Two-Face. I don't know why he's my favorite, maybe because he flips a coin and he is a physical manifestation of the duplicity of man or something from some film student's thesis, maybe because his story is so sad (no matter which version it is). In the modern films, three actors have played him. Billy Dee Williams (betcha forgot about that one) in "Batman," Tommy Lee Jones in "Batman Forever," and now in Christopher Nolan's version, he is played by new love of my life Aaron Eckhart.

And I have to say, if not for Ledger's death, I think Eckhart would have garnered more attention for the role. He plays something rare for the first half of the movie: a real good guy who is incorruptible. He's a Captain America and, not to spoil too much, he's the guy that Bruce Wayne himself believes is the rightful successor to save/protect Gotham.** And then some shit goes down.

This would be the part of the movie where I just couldn't contain myself anymore and let out a Turret's type of "WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON? WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!!! OH HOLY SHIT." From there, things just happen. If you haven't seen the movie, let's just say picture above turns to picture below. It's kind of tough to watch, both visually (cause it's a little gross) and emotionally.

NOT SO HOT.

Some critics have complained the movie ran a little to long. I say to them, "Suck it." There was a moment or two in the last act that I thought, Ok, this is a little long, but that was because I just drank two Pepsis and had to pee really bad. As the bat signal was smashed and the credits rolled, I tried to think what I would have cut as an editor. And the answer: Not a damn thing. For two and half hours, I didn't think about my drama or my problems. I was completely captivated. So, thanks Christopher Nolan (and a dream cast of Bale, Eckhart, Gylenhaal, Freeman, Cain, Ledger, Luis from "Suddenly Susan," William Fichtner, and for Godssake ERIC ROBERTS). Ya dun good.

*Technically that's not true, because to a 9 year old- the Penguin in Tim Burton's "Batman Returns" was pretty terrifying (he ate RAW FISH). I'm just saying, as an adult in a post-9/11 world and watching all these movies again now, Ledger's Joker is sobering and gritty.

**By the way, I would never ever ever want to live in this city. For sixty-plus years they've had some frickin psychos running around! And, the mob seems to bit too prevalent.

Lost.

Ever hear a song at the exact right moment? I heard this one this morning as I was driving in the rain to work. They are amazing and I will never forget the first time I heard "Yellow." I've loved them since I was in high school. Only U2 do I love more.

This is a total fan-girl post, I apologize. Next thing you know, I'll be posting about how I like "Twilight." But, really, that will NEVER happen. I promise.

The musical.

As my coworker Mar would say, I love drama.  So I thought, what would "And I Stole Your Hat, Too" look like as a successful Broadway musical drama?  And the result was a combination of my fascination with musical theater and my pathetically annoying problems:

AND I STOLE YOUR HAT, TOO:

A Childish Musical Drama*

Starring

CJ

as

"Heroine"

John 

as

"Prince Asshat"

FCOG (not an FCOG, but really, FCOG)

as

"Princess Twat"

PVille Guy

as

"Sir Douchebag"

and

Alanna

as

"the Best Friend"

(*Actually, it may be more a long the lines of a Shakespearean Comedy now that I think about it, but funny in the way that "Merchant of Venice" was funny... like kind of not funny but it's considered a comedy because no one actually dies.)

Act I opens with a colorful and happy piece called "Don't Ever Talk to My Boyfriend Again" sung by Princess Twat while she is at a Halloween party.  Followed by a jazzy upbeat dance number with the Heroine singing "Tell Your Fucking Whore of A Girlfriend that She Should Watch Her Baby Instead of Worrying about Me" to Prince Asshat as she secretly steals his hat. (Of course, this will be choreographed by Twila Tharp.  Kicklines and tap dancing and leaping across the stage.  It will be amazing.)  Prince Asshat responds with "Don't Ever Talk to Me Again, You Stupid Bitch." Then Sir Douchebag comes into the picture and sings a song about, oh I don't know, being a complete tool ("The Toolman"). End scene.

Intermission.

Overture.

Act II begins with a song by Prince Asshat singing a lovely ballad called "I Love Her but You Mean So Much To Me Still" but that will turn into "Wait, No, I'm Confused and I Changed My Mind Again" and then a reprise of "Don't Ever Talk to Me Again, You Stupid Bitch."  Followed by the Heroine singing the title song, "And I Stole Your Hat, Too" as she creates a blog.  "I shall post things about you, dear Prince, and your immaturity, and that stupid Princess Twat and her insecurity!"  Followed by a dance number in the middle.  "And you, Sir Douchebag, will get a post too so don't, please don't, threaten to sue!"  But he does.  And there's a big crazy scene where he yells at her (singing "Young, Dumb, And Full of..."-you knew that was coming- and tells her that she's taking advantage of their "friendship" and she cries.  End scene.

Intermission

Overture

Final Act.  Opens with the Best Friend singing a song called "You're An Idiot, We're Going to Boston" to the Heroine and she realizes that all these people are morons.  "You're right! My God, you're right! I don't know how I lost my siiiiiiiight!" the Heroine sings.  As Prince Asshat and Princess Twat come on to the stage she shakes his hand and hugs her and sings "I'm Over It."  "You can have him, you can have him, he's not that great anyway.  He's bad at sex, he's really stupid, and there's never an intelligent thing he'll say."  Sir Douchebag comes in singing the reprise of "Young, Dumb, And Full of..." and she continues to sing "I'm Over It," ending with a big flip of the bird.  And then her and the Best Friend dance off to Boston in "I'm So Glad That You Losers Live in Ohio (See Ya)" with the chorus line.  Fade to black (yeah, I know that's a screenwriter's, not a playwright's, term).

Curtain.

It's lame but I'm tired and loopy and bored.  I know, I'm reaching on this one.  Oh well, you win some, you lose some.

Nothing lasts forever...

"... even cold December rain."  (Yeah, yeah, I'm taking liberties on the one GNR song that I actually, honestly, truly love with all my heart).  

The news called it a "Panhandle Hook."  I guess that means when you get lots of rain up from the Panhandle, although which panhandle they are talking about I'm not so sure (Oklahoma, Florida... are there any others?).  However, it is raining today and the white snow is melting away to expose a little green, lots of mud, and the smelly presents Lucky the Gimpy Lab has left for me to pick up around the yard.  This morning, I couldn't find the cat and left for work a little worried.  It seems like every time it gets a little warmer (and this is unusual for Ohio in December, albeit not unusual in its unusualness) he gives me the finger and runs away, leading to horrible visions of his furry mangled corpse on the side of Route 306.  

On top of all this, there is an odd goo exuding from my right ear today.

It was just one of those mornings that it was oddly warm and staying in bed was just not comfortable anymore... this rarely happens to me.  Lucky was already anxious to get up and get going (because he has such a busy day ahead of him licking his crotch).  So with a "ho hum" I got up and checked the roads outside and headed downstairs to begin another day in grayness.

Last night, I thought about a lot of things.  I've finally worn myself out worrying about what John's doing or what the hell went wrong with PVille guy.  There is quiet in my head.  That wrenching feeling is no longer in control of my gut and heart.  Now is the time for me, was the conclusion I came to.  I want that apartment in Boston.  I want that job, whatever it may be.  I want the life I've wanted since I was ten and the only way of getting that is saying, ahem, "FUCK OFF" to those who stand in my way by way of distraction or lessening my worth. 

It may be cloudy outside, but my thoughts have never been clearer.

Side note: at this moment, I am on hold with a client and the hold music is a lovely muzak version of "Fools Rush In" which is one of my favorite Elvis Presley songs.  

Bug.

On the first day I started working here, I found this guy hanging out.  I thought maybe as the weather changed, he would move it along.  However, here we are 3 months later and he's stil l residing in my cubicle.  He has unofficially become my pet although what he has survived on for sustenance for this long is beyond me.  Not like this office is an embarrassment of riches when it comes to bug food.  We have two plants and both are half dead.   I don't know what to name him... I'm not even sure what species he is.  If anyone has insight to  this, please let me know.