Open letter to Lindsay Lohan.

Lindsay Lohan

123 Train Wreck Lane

Lindseyville, Planet Lindsey 01562

RE: You

Dear Miss Lohan:

I would like start off by saying that I really liked "Mean Girls."  I thought it was an accurate and humorous portrayal of high school girls.  Whether it is more you or more Tina Fey's wit and general awesomeness that made the movie so successful, we will never know (but really, it was probably in all likelihood Tina Fey).  I even wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt with "Georgia Rules," which while kind of disturbing and a little wretched, was an OK movie.  I even ignored the whole party girl thing, possession of coke thing, chasing your assistant and her mom in a car you hijacked thing.  Or the you're getting on Stevie Nicks's last nerve thing. Even the bi thing.  Cool, you like muff diving- more power to ya (although I'm still not convinced that you're the one doing the actual diving).

What I will not, WILL NOT, stand for is your new legging line, "6126."  I think leggings are cute and slimming.  This is not about the leggings trend.  This is about YOUR leggings.  Are they made of gold?  Will they turn me into Adriana Lima (who I've never actually seen wear leggings, but then if I had her legs, I probably wouldn't want to either) or maybe the Klum?  Do they prevent cancer?  Can they solve the economic crisis?  Yeah, the economic crisis- ever hear of that?  It's the reason that NO ONE will be purchasing your $133 pair of leggings.*  Hey, if there's a woman out there who really wants to bring back the "JERSEY GIRL" look, that's great- but rest assured that woman will not pay $77 for the pair of leggings pictured above.

I understand that you idolize Marilyn Monroe and that "6126" is your tribute to her (because it's her birthday).  Marilyn Monroe was a size 12 who embraced her curves and used them to her advantage, achieving iconic levels of sexuality.  Take a hint, Linds.  Scrawny, coked out pseudo-lesbian this woman wasn't.

So, coming from someone with more than enough daddy issues of her own, stop trying to piss your father off by dating a girl, take some time off, maybe go to India or Cambodia (like Angelina) and do some soul searching.  Then come back in a couple of years with an Oscar-caliber performance in something worth watching.  And maybe your old figure- you were way hotter with the tits/ass, girl.  

Peace,

CJ

PS: Your red hair was beautiful.  Any chance of that coming back?

*And yes, I realize that "fashionistas" everywhere are lining up for these but when I say no one, I mean no one whose parents don't already pay their credit card bill.