Dear Pete Wentz...

Gross.

Dear Pete Wentz,

You confuse me.  So much so that I'm having a hard time organizing my thoughts into a cohesive letter, so bare with me please.

When I first saw you, you were playing mediocre (yes, MEDIOCRE) emo music with your band, Fall Out Boy.  Being a Killers fan as well as completely against emo, quite natch' I had to pick a side.  It was not yours.  Then it seemed like there was a bunch of OMG moments like your penis being all over the internet or that you were kissing boys.  While I'm sure many 13 year old girls thought this was so so so scandalous, to the rest of the world (who probably couldn't name three of your songs) it looked like a kid acting out- that is, if anyone else besides 13 year old girls were actually paying attention.  Then you hosted some queer show on MTV on Friday nights.  Last time I checked, most people did not stay home on Fridays to watch any TV much less an obvious 2 hour long commercial for already over-exposed artists. 

We had our fun, though.  Like that one song, "I'm going down down in a merry go round and sugar I'm going down swinging..."? That was fun.  I don't remember what it was called, nor do I remember any of the words besides that one line.  Or the "Arms Race" song.  It had a good beat or something that kept my attention the solid two weeks in 07 I thought that song was totally hot (like Paris Hilton hot).  However, like all emo bands before and all emo bands after, I had to grow out of you.  

By the way, I never, ever, ever thought you were hot.

And now, well... now this.  I have to hear on not one, two, or three, but FOUR celebrity blogs that you like sticking your little Fall Out Boy in the dark place.  Yeah, you know what I'm talking about.  I'm not so sure Joe Simpson really wanted to turn on his Sirius radio to Stern this morning and hear all about how his little girl is getting bent over and... well... you know.  I really don't care where you stick it.  I just don't want to hear about it.  Hell, I don't even want to hear about my friends doing that!  

Why are you so adamant about your family's privacy when it comes to photographers taking pictures of you?  I understand that it's a little different then blasting the gory deets about your love life all over the airwaves and that little Bronx Mowgli Kahn Baloo Bagheera Simpson-Wentz is an innocent bystander in all of this (and really, I do feel bad for the kid in more ways then you could ever know).  I get it.  I just don't think that disappointing album sales or lack of interest in your kid's picks (yes, we all know no one wants them despite whatever excuse you might have), really warrants subjecting the whole world to hearing about your kinky sex adventures with your wife.  Or that she wears thongs for lap dances (*shudder* that will haunt my dreams forever).

Also please tell your sister-in-law to just stop trying so hard already.  We get it.  She's a country girl.  

Good luck with fatherhood and all that.

Sincerely,

CJ