#30. The thirty things you should be looking at.

This is my thirtieth blog post on "AISTYH2"!!!  To celebrate, I thought I would bring your attention to thirty things that I think are worth paying attention to.  You may disagree, you may stop reading this blog after this, but I thought it would be fun and easy and I'm a little bored.  If anyone has any idea how to find a hotel room in DC for inauguration weekend, I know my boss would appreciate it.  These are numbered, but in no specific order of importance.  They are all pretty rad.  Yes, I said rad.

1. "Mad Men" on AMC.  Although season 2 is over now.  You can catch up on your cable company's OnDemand for free.  It is so wonderfully amazing that I cannot put it into words effectively so I will only make a feeble attempt: 1960s, Ad Agency, Don Draper, Dames were Dames, Men were Men.

2.  Reading.  And not "books by Stephanie Meyer" reading.  REAL reading.  Since when does a book have to be poorly written and have teen vampires in it to be good?  Since never, that's when.  So do yourself a favor and scroll down the list to see some of my book suggestions.

3.  EmmyBlotnick.com.  I'm not posting a link, you have to type it into your browsers, lazies.  I wish that I was friends with this girl (but alas, she is too cool).  She cracks me up.

4.  KateBeaton.com.  Cartoons for the smart.  Not for the "Lame at Heart." A favorite includes cat Garfield, James Garfield, and an assassination.  SPOILER ALERT: one of them dies.

5.  Magnetic Fields.  It's the way pop should sound, ranging from the melancholic broken heart nostalgic ballad ("Take Ecstasy With Me") to the revenge break-up gay love affair song ("I Thought You Were My Boyfriend").  And I love it all.

6. Lady GaGa.  You will see her picture and go, "Oh, that's Xtina Aguilera."  And I will say "No, no it is not."  Essential New York club music- picture Blake Lively and Leighton Meister dancing to this at some pretentious club that LiLo goes to and scribbles mean things about ScarJo on the walls.  You can imagine that this music is not very popular out here in the MidWest.

7. "Spaced."  This is pretty popular (in England)... but my guess is that whoever reads this hasn't actually watched it.  So put it in your Netflix queue.  It's Simon Pegg, Nick Frost, and some appearances by the "Shaun of the Dead" peeps before there was a Shaun and an Ed.  There are only 14 episodes people, I think you can handle it.

8. "Suspiria."  Dario Argento is the master of Italian Horror.  I don't know why I like this movie so much, probably for the same reasons I like cotton candy.  

9.  "La Dolce Vita."  Another Italian movie, this one by "FeFe" Fellini.  It's just so beautiful, even in black and white.  And some of the most adoring lines directed towards a woman on film are said during the scene where Anita Eckberg is dancing in the fountain while Mostrianni watches her. (also, it is where we got the term 'Paparazzi' from... which is also coincidentally the title of a Lady GaGa song).

10.  SkyMall.  Not to be confused with SkyNet from "Terminator" movies.  SkyMall is the magazine catalog that is the only option (other than the safety brochure) to read on a plane unless you were smart (not me, ever) and brought your own book.  It's really funny to look up unnecessary items like a soda fountain... FOR YOUR GOLF BAG.  Or sterile, rust free, air free tent.  For your PORSCHE.  

11. Thai food.  I know this isn't technically one of the world's little-known secrets. But dammit if it ain't so so so good.  Plus, I live in rural Ohio so it kinda is an exotic luxury (plus, PVille guy likes it a lot).  

12. Special Topics in Calamity Physics.  This is good writing about teenagers.  Interesting and intriguing and ambiguous... meaning: I had no clue WTF was going on in some places and I never really did find out what happened.  But it's fun to play "Who would play Blue Van Meer in the movie?  Who would play Gareth?  Or Hannah?  Or Jade?" (and my answers are Leighton Meister, Daniel Craig, Rachel Weisz, and Amanda Seyfreid- we'll see if Hollywood pays attention).  

13. Books by CJ Box.  Ok, this is what's going to happen.  You are going to go to the bookstore and find his books and be like "What?  Why this guy?"  Truth be told, I have only just started reading his first book.  HOWEVER.  He came all the way from East BFE, Wyoming to lil' ol' Geauga County, Ohio to talk to a bunch of crazy fans on Saturday night- I was there.  I figure that counts for something.  Probably the coolest person I've ever met from Wyoming, too.  And completely the opposite of everything I know and stand for... but, still.  I liked him.  

14. The Kite Runner.  It's by Khaled Hosseini.  There's a movie.  It's tragic and hurts your heart to read but I figure with events as they are in the world today, we could do with some empathy for our fellow man.  It's worth a look.  He also wrote A Thousand Splendid Suns.  Also good.

15.  Anything, and I do mean ANYTHING, by Chuck Klosterman.  If it is Pop Culture you seek, you will get it and then some with every piece of witty observation he writes.

16.  LASER TAG.

17.  ExecutedToday.com.  Because it is just so fascinating.  Pretty much what the title says it is, this blog posts who got killed by the State today in history.  And how (that's my favorite part, the how, because I like gruesomeness).  

18.  "There Will Be Blood."  Should have one the Oscar for Best Picture last year, but I was happy with DDL taking home the Best Actor prize.  For as much press as it got (even an SNL parody, too) it still did not make a lot of money.  Trust me when I tell you, it's the most incredible and "quietly intense" (how's that for an oxymoron?) movie you will ever see.  And of course the "I drink your milkshake" scene doesn't exactly suck either.  This movie is the sole reason why after every argument I declare "I'M FINISHED."

19.  Coen Brothers marathon.  Ok, I don't hate the Coen Brothers (as insinuated in above statement).  I really liked "No Country For Old Men" and I really, really liked how I was the only person in the theater actually laughing (because for as much as it was touted as a thriller, it was pretty funny).  So go to your local Blockbuster and rent:  "Blood Simple," "Raising Arizona," "Fargo," "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" (my favorite Coen Bros. film), and "No Country."  Fans would say to get "The Big Lebowski" as well... and I like it too but it took me three viewings to actually get.

20.  "The Serpent and the Rainbow."  I don't know why, but I was obsessed with this movie when I was younger.  Something about going on a trip and turning into a Zombie and it's just INSANE.

21.  "The Lost Boys." My favorite eighties movie.  Jason Patric when he was hot.  Jami Gertz when she was hot.  Kiefer before Jack Bauer.  Dianne Weistt and Edward Hermann (Herman Munster!).  

22.  "Six Feet Under: The Final Season."  One of my favorite shows of all time and the season that would end it all... and I really do mean end it all, especially for poor Nate.  The last moments show each character at the time of their future death.  It made me a little mad (Keith) and it made me really happy (Claire).  On DVD. 

23. "Less Than Zero" movie and Less Than Zero book.  Two very very different interpretations of the same Christmas break in LA.  The movie is my second favorite eighties movie (RDowney JR. and Gertz are STUNNING) and the book is just disturbing.  Makes you feel bad for rich kids. ALMOST.  Written by Bret Easton Ellis at age 21.  Taken from Elvis Costello song.

24.  "Brokedown Palace" and "Return to Paradise."  Pretty much the same lesson: don't smoke pot/smuggle pot/trust strangers in Thailand.  They both have pretty crappy endings... one a little more tragic then the other.  Claire Danes/Kate Beckinsale when they were young and Vince Vaughn/Anne Heche before he got fat and she went gay with Ellen.  And Joaquin before he weirded out.

25.  DeusExMalcontent.com.  I promised not to make this blog politically biased.  Him I can't speak for.  And his bebe is soooo cute.

26.  "Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves."  It's really kinda sad that I love this movie so much.  Kevin Costner doesn't attempt to do a British accent and it is slightly historically inaccurate.  But it does include this exchange:  "Do it for your country."  "No." Cut to Costner looking confused.  Cut back to Mary Elizabeth Mastrantonio.  "I'll do it... for you." Cue orchestral Bryan Adams song.  And then a blind guy saying this: "He fancies you.  I may be blind, my lady, but somethings I can see." And a tear falls. PLUS: Morgan Freeman, voice of God and the Angels, is in it.

27.  McDonald's Snackers.  Yeah, yeah.  I know McDonald's is the root of evil, the flagship symbol of capitalist pig America.  But you gotta hand it to Morgan Spurloch.  After "Supersize Me," the chain made every possible effort to make its menu healthier for kids.  They took the fries option out of Happy Meals, increased their Salad Menu, and introduced us to these suckers.  The Snacker.  MMMMMM.  It's not a BigMac, but it won't clog your arteries either.

28. "30 Days."  Speaking of Spurloch, this show is just awesome in a day where this country has never been more divided.  It lives out the message "Put yourself in my shoes."  

29.  Molson Canadian Beer.  For their labels alone, but also they taste pretty good (named best beer by "Men's Health Magazine") on a cold Ohio night when you really begin to understand how close you actually are to Canada.  Also, dares to ask the question: would you rather have a dirty-mouthed sailor or a blind monkey?  It's as much as a conversation piece as that pretentious MoMA lampshade you just bought. 

30.  Really pretentious fixtures for your home by MoMA.  I couldn't help myself. They are pretty sweet.

That's it for today and possibly the week.  It wore me out a little.

Comics for big kids.

Go immediately to http://www.katebeaton.com.  I promise you will not regret it.

The showdown...

So, there was an interesting exchange of text messages between me and the FCOG yesterday.  I realize now that I have to change her pseudonym, seeing that she actually is a decent human being.  I probably should get rid of the "white trash slut" remark in my bio, too.  Dammit, I'm going soft.

Anyway, it started out pretty bad.  Of course, I had no choice but to debrief her about all of the conversations between John and I after she had placed a ban on him talking to me.  It was a low move,  but this is war.  And then she did this:

HER:  Btw. im not a mean person the only reason i text u earlier is cuz he said u were talkin shit about me in emails.i have no hate towards u at all. sorry if it came off that way. i just really want to believe what he tells me. ireally do hope u have a good life n find someone that makes u happy.

What the hell?  She really is nice.  She's like Kimmy (Cameron Diaz) in "My Best Friends Wedding" and I'm like glorious Julia Roberts as Julie Ann.  Annoyingly perfect, because there is nothing annoying about her.  Creme brule vs. Jell-O all the way.  So I had  no choice but to do this:

ME: I wasn't talking shit [FCOG- who really is not that bad],  i feel horrible about the things i've said about u [like you're an unfit mother, white trash, etc.]. I just want him to make sure he is making the rite decision.  4 the both of u.  John is essentially a good person but i do feel you know only half of what we have talked about.he really likes u and i told him if that meant we couldn't talk ne more then i was ok with that.i think he is rushing into it and that is nothing against u. he is stressd and confusd but he does love u.  he does have a bad side that i hope u never see and i really want him to be happy and u 2.  As 4 me i do have someone but not serious right now.  I'm trying to focus on career. So i send u good will and someday this will blow over and u will see i'm not a crazy bitch.

I don't know how many times I need to express the fact that I. GIVE. UP.  Leave me alone, now, and let me spend the winter in peace with my books.

Mail call!

So PVille guy doesn't think he's ready for a relationship.  Seeing that I don't take no for an answer and I especially do not like cop-out excuses like "I'm just not ready," I thought I would send him a little Facebook message.  The following is a demand to explain himself.  I know it's a little obsessive and neurotic to stalk him down like this... but we have a weird dynamic when it comes to stalking.  And I just am stubborn as a mule when it comes to guys being an idiot. Readers may suggest me purchasing the popular "He's Just Not that Into You."  Except... that's not entirely true either (because I put him on the spot about that one and let's just say, he didn't get all soft on me. HeHe.)  So, I give you correspondence with PVille Guy:

"so, i was thinking. i really don't understand "not ready for a relationship"? could you expand on that please? you'll probably ignore this message like you ignored my texts. that's fine. just something to think about. is it that you think you'll hurt me? eh, you've already done that. can't do much more damage. is it that i'll hurt you? well, everything in life runs the risk of being dangerous but you don't avoid getting in your car when its raining, right? are you afraid i'll be disappointed because you can't spend time with me? we've already been through this. i can handle it now. once a week or once every 2 weeks, and i'm good. you don't want to spend money on me? ok, i'm cheap. i already give it up without a date and i'm used to not getting gifts/being taken out from previous suitors. i'm actually easier than you think... i like watching movies and hanging out and making dinner more than i like going to bars. so i know it isn't about me, and it's most likely about you... i just don't understand cliches like "not ready for a relationship." they're too general. there has to be a specific reason.. do you have a secret life? that's it! you really are a bar tender at an S&M club... well... i think i could overlook that. :) you probably look really hot in leather chaps... smile. it's a good day. :)"

- from me. november 17, 2008.

At the movies!

So, seeing that my popularity with the opposite sex has dipped to new lows (at least with the ones I know), I figured I might as well just accept my fate of being a winter shut-in.  So I rented a movie last night and found out it isn't so bad.  A lot of people live and die by their Netflix subscription.  The movie?  "Iron Man."  I was pleasantly surprised.  It was nice to see Robert Downey, Jr. not looking like a strung out junkie.  So it got me thinking, what movies would I suggest to others in my current situation that would make them feel better?   Here are the classics that I think are worth viewing in times like these.

"Titanic"- Ok, I know you're thinking "But isn't that like one of the greatest love stories of all time?"  And maybe you're right.  But I like to think of it this way:  Jack and Rose never had a future.  His intention was always to woo her, steal her jewels and leave her high and dry when they arrived at New York.  Love on cruise ships always has its expiration date.  Sure that handsome stranger is fun the first day, second day, third day... but by the fourth day, you almost want an iceberg to intervene.  Bonus points for being able to say, after three hours and fourteen minutes, "Well hey, at least I didn't drown in the North Atlantic.  My life really doesn't suck."

"Dumb and Dumber"- This is the pinnacle of childishness in cinema.  Lloyd and Harry are really the only two friends you ever need to make you laugh.  It's the Farrelly Bros before they got all arrogant after making "There's Something About Mary."  While it was more popular, "Dumb and Dumber" still stands to be the better of the two in my opinion.  It's premise is simple: two idiots in search of a better life.  Besides, if my pets' heads ever start "falling off," you can bet I'm headed for Assssspen on my Vespa.  

"Bridget Jones' Diary"- "Another love story?" you say.  Yes, but a love story about a drunk, frumpy, sad British woman who has two hot sexy British men (Colin Firth and Hugh Grant... meeeow) going crazy (and ultimately leading to one of the most gratuitous fight scenes EVER).  Plus there's life lessons and you can't help but love her loyal friends who like her just the way she is.  It's motivational!  Plus, I think I can relate to just about every scene on some level or another.

ANY ZOMBIE MOVIE EVER MADE and here's why:  1.  At least you don't have to run away from  your dead best friend.  2.  At least you'll never have to shoot your dead mum.  3.  At least you'll never get stuck in a mall while waiting for your impending doom.  Life starts to look kinda nice.  Not to mention, every zombie movie has an essential disembowelment scene that is perfect for projecting the face of your ex on (see Rhodes, original "Dawn of the Dead").  

Other good ones:

"Cabin Fever."  If you are in a very disturbed mood, and you like unnecessary carnage, I would go with this one.  Especially for you wounded guys out there.  A girl gets her face eaten off by a dog.

"Kill Bill, 1 and 2."  It's violent.  It's Quentin.  It's Uma.  It's AWWWWESOME.  And it delivers on the promise it makes.  It's not really a spoiler, Bill dies.  But he's like the baddest baddie of all the evil ex's.  As much animosity as John has for me right now, he would never shoot me (my fiance, his friends, family, and priest) at my wedding while I was preggers with his kid.

"Hot Fuzz." Because I love Simon Pegg and any unnecessary violence that pokes fun at hack of hacks Michael Bay (you ain't seen Bad Boys 2?)  Love. It.

I don't suggest:

"Notting Hill," anything with Julia Roberts, "The Notebook," or "Say Anything."  Or anything else that induces tears.  

Until next time... adios.  I'll see you.... AT THE MOVIES.

You've got mail.

"Its not even like that.. were on the same page all the time.like tonigt allwe didwas han.g out at her house and watch cavs while she squeeze blqck heaqds out of my nose. She takes great care of me and doesn't expect me to be his dad. Although Someone needs to step up and be a positive male role model for him and im willing to do that. What could u think shes using me for? Money? No someone to spend her time with? Yes and possibly share our lives together. I found my perfect match my solemate! Btw im getting half rent and utilities paid too. Beneficial to us both.. U see give and take. {FCOG} is a class act. So what she has a kid shes not the only one! The way I see her take car of him makes me wish she had my son... Shes a once in a lifetime opportunity. And I love her so much its unbeliveable....

-response email from John. (from yesterday, 11/13/08)

I really don't know whether to be grossed out by this or to laugh...

Classics in viral videos.

Whenever you are feeling sad, just know that you can still connect with strangers one on one. This is one of my favorite virals EVER.